Merry Hanukkah, Happy Christmas or WhatTheHellEver.

Posted in Holiday Bullsh*t by Extreme Mom

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays… Who really cares about the verbiage??

I for one DO NOT.

I’m sick to death of political correctness. Our society is quickly transforming into a bunch of whiny-baby self serving assholes.

A greeting in good faith is simply a greeting in good faith.

Who really cares if you’re a Jehovah’s Witness, disciple of Tom Cruise, Christian, Buddhist or some other modern made-up cult.

It just doesn’t matter.

There is NO EXCUSE for rudeness.

When someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyful Kwanza or WhatTheFuckEver, you graciously say “Thank you, same to you.”

Is it THAT difficult?

The person is offering WELL wishes for Gods <or insert your favorite SUPREME POWERS NAME here> sake.

Don’t get your elf thong in a bunch.

The REAL issue here should be- Howinthehell do you spell Hanukkah/Chanukah anyway??!!

The Jewish faith gets a FAIL for inconsistency and indecision. We’ll wait patiently while you people vote on the correct spelling. I say lose the C. Who needs extra letters that you don’t even pronounce?

<< Jeopardy theme song inserted HERE >> It’s already playing in my brain, you may as well enjoy it too.

This particular Jewish holiday also kicks auto-corrects sorry ass every. single. time.

May I suggest a revision, like perhaps… The Jewish Candle Holiday?

It has a nice ring to it. Plus, I can actually spell every one of those words.

Getting back to etiquette and most importantly, things that piss me off-

When you sneeze and someone responds with “God bless you” you DON’T turn and say “Kiss off, you Jesus-freak-son-of-a-bitch, I’m an atheist!”

You just don’t.

Relax man.

You’re being blessed and shit. Just chill.

How about everyone just chooses whateverinthehell greeting they like best? Because, quite frankly, I don’t know when Kwanza or the Jewish Candle Holiday even are, so this would be much less confusing for me.

Most of the time I go with the generic “Happy Holidays.” It happens to be my personal catch-all default phrase, and NOT because I’m afraid of offending someone with Merry Christmas wishes either. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t lose much sleep worrying about other peoples opinions.

Anyway, the reason I prefer the particular Happy Holidays phrase is because it covers the WHOLE enchilada- Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years, The Jewish Candle Holiday, Kwanza, as well as my personal spawning season otherwise known as my kids birthdays. (No kidding- Dec 20, 29 Jan 9 & Feb 6)

For me, it’s the only way to go.

Another bone of contention that gets on my last frayed nerve is when some Christians get worked up and indignant that EVERYONE doesn’t use the phrase Merry Christmas.

As a fellow Christian let me just reiterate that we don’t own the month of December.

The Earth is a ginormous place that just so happens to look like a very cool psychedelic marble… that’s made up of a bazillion shades of blue.

If you celebrate Christmas by all means shout MERRY CHRISTMAS from the tallest bar stool. Anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss Santa’s fat Buddhist ass.

I can’t verify that Santa is in fact Buddhist, but I blurted that out because the Buddha statue could totally be his Great Grandfather.

Just saying.

Anyway, feel free to SHOUT OUT your greeting of choice.

In the unlikely event that someone has the audacity to rudely voice their objection, simply remove your Grinch taser gun from it’s mistletoe holster and zap them in the eyeball or sensitive groin area. Your choice.

Let’s face it, there’s a lot of stress and tension during this hectic time of year. Shooting up and tasering people would therefore qualify as a kick ass therapeutic activity.

Win win.

Make my day.

I’ll surely be crucified for this post.

C’est la vie.

Also, wrong holiday.

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Important note- Do not scroll down any further without first reading this disclosure.

Disclosure- the following meme content is rude, crude, distasteful, potentially offensive, wrong-on-many-levels and downright hilarious.

All hate mail will be marked… Return to sender.

It is my belief that the almighty higher power has a most excellent sense of humor.

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29Nov2013

Turkey Day ClusterfLuck

Posted in Holiday Bullsh*t by Extreme Mom

The Birdzilla holiday is the King pin of all holiday clusterflucks.

It all starts with the grocery store clusterfluck. I’m referring to the mass of non-regular customers leisurely strolling the aisles with the entire maternal side of their family in tow.

On the other end of the spectrum is the daddy-deer-in-headlights; the lost looking male sent to the front lines to retrieve forgotten items. These guys are like a stubborn hair clog in the bathroom sink. We’ll call them solitary clusterflucks. During non-holiday shopping trips I’d have compassion for them, but unfortunately, it’s the holiday season and the only rule of shopping during the holidays is get in and get out, like your life depends on it.

The clusterfluck commences in the check-out line which is bustling with extra bodies. How many people does it take to pay? The answer is ONE, meaning all inactive shopping companions should skedaddle.

With all your might, you finally push the katrillion calorie shopping cart with-the-bad-wheel to the outermost border of the parking lot where you were forced to retreat, which is called the parking-in-BFE clusterfluck.

Also, the more traffic in a parking lot, the more likely an inattentive holiday clown will step out in front of your car and end up as a hood ornament. Live hood ornaments are right up there with Rudolph’s antlers tacked to your mirror and/or Santa’s testicles dangling from your muffler.

This is also called the tacky hood ornament clusterfluck.

When you finally slide into home base and attempt to unload your groceries, there’s nowhere to put anything because of the kitchen-counter clusterfluck and the refrigerator clusterfluck.

As soon as you begin food prep, the overflowing dirty-dishes clusterfluck is immediately created and will regenerate for another 48-72 hours, making it the biggest clusterfluck of all. I despise washing dishes. I’m a huge fan of serving left-overs on paper plates, which incidentally causes a trash can clusterfluck, but what are you gonna do?

We’re picking our battles here.

Other painful holiday clusterflucks include the obvious dinner table fiasco, where you attempt to squeeze 15 people around an 8 seater table. “No fair… I want to sit near Suzy Lou Hoo!” This is called the intimate-encounter clusterfluck and also the reason I bought the big bottle of vodka.

Then there’s the dreaded people-who-don’t-belong-in-the-kitchen clusterfluck, which is why I leave a bag of unpeeled potatoes on the table. Everyone knows as soon as guests arrive, they immediately invade your sanctuary and try to be helpful.

“Grab a potato peeler. We’ve got a clusterfluck and a half of potatoes to peel,” says me.

To clear up any confusion, the tryptophan found in turkey not only makes you sleepy, it can give you the urge to dive off the roof of Macy’s during the Thanksgiving Day parade right into inflatable Underdog’s ass, which would be affectionately termed the contipated balloon character clusterfluck.

And no, you will not catch me out and about on Black Friday. That’s an entirely separate clusterfluck in itself.

Stick a spork in me.

This pilgrim is done.

27Nov2013

Maria Kang- Part 2… Oh NO, She Didn’t!!!

Posted in Special Needs and Sensitivity by Extreme Mom

I am angry. She did it again. Maria Kang that is, the fitness guru mom who posed hovering over her three young sons clad in short shorts and a sports bra, and captioned the photo WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

While the photo was most likely intended for her fitness conscious audience, it was posted publicly on her Facebook page and went over with the grace of an elephant in lead pointe shoes.

All hell broke lose in the media.

I personally thought it was a brassy move on her part and wrote kind of a spoof post about it here.

I got a lot of hate mail and responded here.

Now that you’re caught up, she’s back in the news, this time she was temporarily banned from Facebook for hate content.

Apparently, Mrs. Kang wasn’t supportive, open minded or caring in the statements she made in response to an article in the Daily Mail featuring proud plus-sized women in lingerie.

Maria Kang wrote “The popular and unrelenting support received to those who are borderline obese (not just 30-40lbs overweight) frustrates me as a fitness advocate who intimately understands how poor health negatively effects a family, a community and a nation,” Kang said.

“While I think it’s important to love and accept your body, I was a little peeved because I think that we’re normalizing obesity in our society,” Kang said.

Dear Maria Kang,

You are an insensitive cold-hearted bitch. I’m shocked that you have the audacity to make such a profoundly negative statement. It leads me to believe that you are in fact so narrow minded that you actually BELIEVE women choose to be obese, because they’re simply too lazy to exercise and eat right.

Do you seriously think that?

Perhaps your tunnel vision goes no further than the small demographic of healthy fit women you interact with at the gym.

Since I’ve been an RN for over 20 years, let me enlighten YOU as to what I’ve seen in this vast world of ours that’s a bazillion shades of grey.

Some women happen to have perfectly good EXCUSES, which by the way is a bullshit term, as it implies laziness and blame. I prefer the word circumstances.

You obviously chose the word EXCUSES for it’s shock effect.

The thing is- you perfectly proportioned exercise Barbie doll that happened to win the genetic lottery, the world isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. There are a lot of VARIABLES in other women’s lives preventing them from looking like you and that’s OKAY.

How dare you say that that’s NOT okay?

For a host of different reasons many women will never be thin or physically fit.

How dare you shame them?

The following is an excerpt from a post – The World is a Bazillion Shades of Grey Don’t be Judgy where I cite a seemingly endless list of variables realized by many women who happen to have perfectly legitimate excuses.

I speak for the masses of women whose dreams are unachievable due to circumstances beyond their control.

I speak for single moms working two jobs to make ends meet, who barely have time to cook, clean, do laundry and read their kids a bedtime story.

I speak for those trapped in abusive or controlling relationships who don’t have choices.

I speak for those with mental health issues like depression, post traumatic stress disorder and disabling anxiety who expend every last bit of energy simply trying to muster through the day.

I speak for those with medical conditions for which they must take daily medication that causes adverse effects like nausea or extreme fatigue.

I speak for those who’ve been involved in motor vehicle accidents who have difficulty climbing stairs or getting out a chair.

I speak for those with arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and other invisible medical conditions that absolutely dictate their level of activity.

I speak for those taking care of children with special needs or elderly parents 24 hours a day, 7 days a week who are physically exhausted.

I speak for those with heart, lung and skeletal problems who are forced to limit their activities.

I speak for those with metabolic and endocrine conditions that cause chronic weight gain and low energy levels.

I speak for those whose addictions have stolen their lives and who continue to wrestle invisible demons.

I speak for the masses of women afflicted by a never ending list of challenging circumstances which causes them to chose meeting their basic needs over any sort of leisure activity including fitness related activities and working out.

I’d also like to toss the don’t-judge-a-book-by-it’s-cover analogy in here, to point out that things aren’t always as they may seem.

Meaning, it is entirely possible for an athlete missing a limb to be in a better overall physical condition to engage in an exercise regime than let’s say a 30-something seemingly healthy woman suffering from depression and fibromyalgia.

Different people, different bodies, different states of health.

We must RESPECT all of these circumstances.

Like Maria Kang, the handicapped athlete has no right to point a judgmental finger at anyone else.

NOBODY has the right to point a judgmental finger in the faces of a society made up of people whose unique situations are a bazillion shades of grey.

Their story is not your story.

You haven’t lived their lives.

You have no right to point or challenge masses of people you know nothing about.

That is all.

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23Nov2013

How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

1. Brush your hair and use a deep conditioner.

2. Put on clothes.

Ok, seriously.

Here goes…

3. Don’t be trigger happy. Before you comment, READ the entire post.

4. Comprehend the post. That means let it really sink in until you understand what is being said. (I had to say that, as this post is intended for DUMMIES)

Does it ask a question? If the answer is YES, feel free to comment.

If the answer is NO, then nobody asked your opinion. Simon says, “Do not comment unless you have something positive or constructive to say.”

WHEN it’s acceptable to give your opinion on the Internet-

1. When someone specifically asks for it. A written passage might read something like this- “What do you think?” “What would you do?” “Please tell us your opinion on this matter.”

Should you happen to stumble upon a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, know that it’s merely a recipe for readers to try if you choose to, and not an invitation to start a discussion on the potential ill effects of polyunsaturated fats found in semi-sweet chocolate morsels. This would RUIN a perfectly good cookie recipe post. (Keep your sour grapes to yourself)

Do you see where this is going?

On a related note, Extreme Mom shares ~~batshit crazy~~ nontraditional child rearing tales as a means of creating parental comradery through HUMOR. It is absolutely NOT a serious open forum on parenting.

I REPEAT, this is NOT an open forum on parenting.

Did I mention this is NOT an open forum on parenting?

June Cleaver and Carol Brady do not moderate this blog.

There will be no discussion on the best potty training method, debate on how much TV you allow your child to watch or what the appropriate age is for a kid to have a cell phone. Quite frankly, I could care less if you duct tape a smart phone to your kids ear as he passes through the birth canal.

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For shits and giggles, let’s play a fun game of Simon Says as an exercise in reading comprehension and responding appropriately.

Ready?

1. Simon says, “What’s your name?”

Correct answer- “My name is… ”

Incorrect answer- “Everyone named Simon is an asshole.”

2. What’s your favorite color?

Correct answer- < nothing > Simon did NOT ask.

Incorrect answer- “My favorite color is RED but you typed this in black ink, so you suck. Black ink makes me unhappy and irritable. You have no regard for people who are color RED enthusiasts. You’re obviously a prejudice bigot.

3. Simon says, “Look up into the blue sky.”

Correct response- < tilt head back and LOOK UP >

Incorrect response- “I’m wearing yellow sunglasses, so my sky is green. Green is BETTER and you’re an ignorant slut.”

As a page moderator, I’m getting incredibly tired of troll invasions.

I can’t tell you not to be an Internet troll, but I can tell you that your rude off-subject troll comments are NOT welcome here.

I have a troll taser in my hip holster and I’m not afraid to use it.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

*Note to other Facebook pages and blogs- you’re more than welcome to share this. Together we can defeat the trolls.

Don’t get me wrong, bloggers LOVE comments… as long as they are in sync with the theme of the post. We also love to hear your opinion. Although, starting a heated debate or attempting to put the author on trial is seriously frowned upon and you will be tasered.

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8Nov2013

Marching to the Beat of a Different Drummer

Posted in Everything Extreme, Health and Wellness, Special Needs and Sensitivity by Extreme Mom

As a parent of four young adults- two faced with special life challenges, I’m often presented with rude comments on how I should handle certain situations.

Let me explain and hopefully open your eyes to a corner of the world that you’ve probably never visited.

An exercise in enlightenment, understanding and vast open-mindedness.

Chronological age is not the only indicator of where and what a person should be doing in regards to life’s milestones. This seems obvious, but trust me, it is not.

Many young adults are affected by invisible conditions which prevent them from reaching their full potential and may also make them appear lazy to the rest of the world, putting even more pressure on their already fragile self esteem.

Invisible condition (my definition)- a condition/disorder that is not necessarily obvious to the general public and may not even be detectable in a first hand social interaction with said individual. The person may appear completely normal. However, underlying condition(s) may be absolutely crippling thus preventing this person from being anything from marginally functional to ultimately meeting their full potential.

Examples- ADHD, autistic spectrum disorders, depression, anxiety, bipolar, post traumatic stress disorder, dot. dot. dot.

I live with two excellent examples of said invisible conditions, which in their cases are (at the present time) pretty debilitating. We get through life ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I love my SPECIAL children with all my heart.

My children, whom I happen to know are misunderstood by society, certain close friends and family members, whom I will stand up for until my last dying breath and probably continue to protect in the afterlife.

Hell yeah.

It goes something like this-

My 19 year old son has pretty profound ADHD. *Note- There’s the ADHD where you take a pill and <<poof>> life is good, functional and manageable and there’s the ADHD where every waking moment is a challenge. I mention this to make you aware that ADHD is not the same on any two people. It’s a spectrum disorder. Your nephews ADHD may be a completely different animal than my sons ADHD. On a similar note, the higher your chronological age, the higher societies expectations become of you, making coping often more challenging as time passes.

KNOW that, APPRECIATE that and most importantly, RESPECT that.

As it rolled out for my guy, he did not grow out of his ADHD, nor did he learn to completely compensate. Every day is a challenge. He has chosen not to take meds, which at age 19 is his prerogative. My feeling is that he needs to manage his life in a way that feels right for HIM.

It’s a slow steady process in which there is no deadline.

I stand supportive pretty much… forever.

In addition, this same adult-child falls on the autistic spectrum. Aspergers presents an infinite number of social hurdles every single day. Add sensory integration dysfunction- another spectrum type condition and you amplify the same challenges by like ten fold.

Despite starting sensory integration therapy at the young age of five, being in sync with the outside world continues to be an every day struggle. Everybody’s brain is different. One of his major sensory challenges include a struggle with proprioception and spatial relationships- knowing how hard to press the gas/brake pedal in a car or how far to turn the steering wheel.

An example of how ordinary tasks that may almost seem second nature for most, may not in fact be simple for everyone.

This is REAL life stuff.

*For anything and everything related to sensory integration, check out the book “The Out of Sync Child” by Carol Kranowicz. Excellent read. My sister and I actually attended one of her conferences awhile back and she was lucky enough to be chosen to be part of the human sandwich exercise. I think she was the lettuce.. which figures because she’s teeny. I would’ve definitely been like the quarter pound burger.

Anyway, if you’ve absorbed the significance of the above challenges, you will most likely be able to better appreciate that things like driving a car, attending college and working are equivalent to an obstacle course within an obstacle course for some young adults.

On a completely different, but equally significant note, the oldest love of my life is afflicted by severe anxiety and panic attacks. No, we didn’t break her, nor did she ask for this or bring it on herself. She’s smart, beautiful and exceptionally talented, but doesn’t accept or acknowledge any of these things.

The current plan is to chip away at the anxiety, so that we may eventually step up the ladder rung to higher level challenges like college course work, getting a drivers license, maintaining a job and nurturing close relationships.

One step at a time.

This is not the portrait of a lazy person. This is a person who is struggling.

So, when you add your two cents that sounds something like- “You drive them to college??? They need to get jobs!! If you don’t force them to take responsibility they’ll never learn… use TOUGH LOVE or I would never tolerate THAT from adult children blah, blah, blah… ” you most likely have no idea what you’re dealing with and/or how unfitting your unsolicited advice actually is.

Let me say to you, in addition to treating those you love with much needed understanding, compassion and respect, first and foremost and even if it means simply just being there, a parental figure or caregiver must most importantly do no harm.

Let that sink in.

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26Oct2013

The World is a Bazillion Shades of Grey- Don’t be Judgy

Posted in Special Needs and Sensitivity by Extreme Mom

Shall we sort through the aftermath caused by yesterday’s spoofy post I wrote called Bite Me Maria Kang?

Excellent. Let’s do it!

The following post was inspired by comments I received defending Maria Kang- the mom who had the audacity to flaunt a photograph of her buff physically fit body in skimpy workout attire kneeling over her three young sons bearing the caption, “What’s your excuse?”

For the most part, the defending statements conveyed a similar message that the comment writer had been motivated by the said photo and anyone who was offended was simply overreacting, overly sensitive (we’re talking about women… no?) jealous and should get off their lazy ass and just exercise.

The comments were absolutely judgmental and I therefore feel compelled to enlighten.

First off, I’m not personally offended by the photo in question. It takes a helluva lot more than THAT to rattle my cage.

I’m completely content with me, and if I had the desire to go hard body I would. This is not a goal of mine at the moment, so leave me out of it.

This post is not about me.

I tend to advocate for the underdog…. It’s a kind of calling that I cannot explain.

I perceived Mrs. Kang’s brassy message as rather bossy, demeaning and narrow minded.

It’s no surprise that her bold tactic offended a lot of women.

My stance is based on my own personal knowledge and wisdom that some women do in fact have sound legitimate excuses.

Scratch the word excuses, as it implies blame and weakness. It’s an unfair word. I prefer the word circumstance: a condition or event that affects a situation.

I speak not for myself, but for the silent masses who do have honest-to-goodness legitimate EXCUSES.

I suppose the veteran nurse in me is speaking.

Different people. Different circumstances. Different economic classes. Different educational backgrounds. Different health statuses. Different mental and coping skill levels. Different family situations. Different genetic coding. Different body types.

Not everybody can push themselves out of a state of mere laziness and look like the Incredible Hulk’s mom.

If you can, I applaud you.

Clap clap clap.

However, please respect the fact that not everyone in the world is just like YOU.

The world is not a fixed environment inhabited by a predictable perfectly cloned population.

Sure, the no EXCUSES mantra may be fitting in a competitive atmosphere like the locker room or gym where there’s a level playing field. However, society as a whole is anything but a level playing field.

From my perspective, I see a planet that’s something like fifty bazillion shades of grey.

In the writing of my post “Bite Me Maria Kang”, I speak for the masses of women whose dreams are unachievable due to circumstances beyond their control.

I speak for single moms working two jobs to make ends meet, who barely have time to cook, clean, do laundry and read their kids a bedtime story.

I speak for those trapped in abusive or controlling relationships who don’t have choices.

I speak for those with mental health issues like depression, post traumatic stress disorder and disabling anxiety who expend every last bit of energy simply trying to muster through the day.

I speak for those with medical conditions for which they must take daily medication that causes adverse effects like nausea or extreme fatigue.

I speak for those who’ve been involved in motor vehicle accidents who have difficulty climbing stairs or getting out a chair.

I speak for those with arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and other invisible medical conditions.

I speak for those taking care of children with special needs or elderly parents 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I speak for those with heart, lung and skeletal problems who are forced to limit their activities.

I speak for those with metabolic and endocrine conditions that cause weight gain.

I speak for those whose addictions have stolen their lives and who continue to wrestle invisible demons.

I speak for the masses of women afflicted by a never ending list of challenging circumstances which causes them to chose meeting their basic needs over any sort of leisure activity including fitness related activities and working out.

I’d also like to toss the don’t-judge-a-book-by-it’s-cover analogy in here, to point out that things aren’t always as they seem.

Meaning, it is possible for the athlete missing a limb to be in a better overall position to engage in an exercise regime than let’s say a 30-something seemingly healthy woman suffering from depression and fibromyalgia.

Different people, different bodies, different states of health.

Like Maria Kang, the handicapped athlete has no right to point a judgmental finger at anyone else.

NOBODY has the right to point a judgmental finger in the faces of a society made up of people whose unique situations are a bazillion shades of grey.

Their story is not your story.

You haven’t lived their lives.

You have no right to point or challenge masses of people you know nothing about.

That is all.

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25Oct2013

Bite Me Maria Kang

Posted in Special Needs and Sensitivity by Extreme Mom

What’s your excuse?

Maria Kang asked and Extreme Mom answered.

First and foremost, I’d like to clarify that the word EXCUSE is not necessarily accurate. I prefer the word DECISION.

Excuses are for the weak. There is nothing weak about my personal decision to embrace carbs. In fact, if you swipe my cookies I will kick your ass.

That’s a DECISION.

Word.

My decisions to embrace my soft side are as follows-

I like me… just the way I am.

Seriously, I am good with me.

Plus, I’m married. My husband has seen me a naked size two a couple of decades ago, so technically it never has to happen again.

I’m always cold, so strutting around in that little sports bra combo wouldn’t exactly work out for me. I prefer flannel pants and a sweatshirt. I’m all about comfort.

I don’t want my boys friends coming over to see ME. It wouldn’t be fair.

I’m a solar powered individual who lives in a place that’s overcast 75% of the time, so I hoard my energy reserves for stuff like working, waiting on my kids and breathing.

Damned genetics, sugary DNA… blah blah, blah. My father was the gingerbread man. I live with the sweet results.

I have an adorable lap dog who prefers his sleep number setting on SOFT.

Chocolate is my favorite food group and I’m not giving it up for God, Channing Tatum or ALL the money in the word. Chocolate completes me. It also keeps me from hurting others.

I don’t want to be a showoff. Nobody likes show offs.

Nobody would recognize me, so I’d be forced to wear the equivalent of Flo’s big trippin awesome name tag and there’s only ONE Flo. I have a strict policy that states- no impersonating TV commercial stars. Also, I love Flo.

Furthermore, Mrs. Kang-

Your pre-gravid body was a lean model and a bodybuilder.

News flash.

That puts your BASELINE body well off the curve of normal for women who are the rest of us.

Comparatively speaking, you are not exactly the buff body builder you used to be pre- childbirth.

What’s YOUR excuse?

PS- I want to tell you to BITE ME right now, but I’m definitely not low carb, so instead you can bend over and kiss my ass.

It’s good exercise.

Find my response to the hate mail I received in response to this post here.

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24Oct2013

The Gardasil Vaccine… Just say NO

Posted in Everything Extreme, Health and Wellness by Extreme Mom

How safe is the Gardasil vaccine?

*Gardasil is a relatively new vaccine that was approved by the FDA in 2006 for use in the US as a preventative against the HPV virus which can sometimes lead to cervical cancer.

To date, 57 million doses have been distributed. There have been 139 deaths and somewhere in the ballpark of 22,000 adverse reactions reported.

The question is- how essential is this vaccine and more importantly, do the risks outweigh the benefits?

The answer is unclear and unfortunately, it’s become even more muddied by predictably irresponsible media coverage.

Sadly, we’ve come to expect a certain degree of biased media interference in almost all facets of our lives, due to the saturation of self serving special interest groups in this country.

The result of this never ending flow of biased opinions is that eventually it becomes background noise.

We start to ignore it.

Thank you, over-the-top whack jobs who dispute anything and everything.

I’ve long concluded that most news is nothing more than a smoking train wreck of opinions.

It’s difficult to distinguish fact from fiction. Which is precisely why I feel compelled to research and validate almost everything I read.

It’s exhausting.

“Ain’t nobody got time for… ”

Never mind.

That said- anyone who forms an opinion after reading ONE article or story is a complete moron and liability to society.

I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

So wake up if that describes you. The world is full of self serving liars.

It seems as if almost everything has an underlying agenda these days, which may not necessarily be in the consumers best interests.

As a result, I honestly hadn’t paid too much attention to the hoopla regarding the Gardasil vaccine.

Until recently that is, when I stumbled upon a link on Facebook that lead me to do further research.

What commanded my undivided attention on this particular topic were reports of Dr. Diane Harper- leading international developer of HPV vaccines and former Merck scientist’s very unexpected public address where she voiced concerns regarding the vaccines safety, during what was supposed to be a promotional conference.

It motivated me to dig around.

The evidence left me in a state of hopeless disbelief and validated something I kind of already suspected.

Pharmaceutical companies do in fact RULE the WORLD.

More specifically, money rules the world.

You knew that.

We both did.

The story goes something like this.

The Gardasil vaccine manufactured by Merck Pharmaceuticals is being strongly recommended (pushed) by health care practitioners as a seemingly pseudo insurance policy against cervical cancer for the 9-26 year old demographic.

*Note- It’s also starting to be recommended for boys as a preventative against penile warts and throat cancer.

The “Be One Less” campaign launched by Merck attempts to frighten or guilt young girls and their consenting parents into receiving the vaccine, so that they will subsequently be ONE LESS victim of cervical cancer.

It’s being pushed by your trusted pediatrician without question.

Cancer is bad… get the vaccine and live happily ever after. Right?

Not so fast.

Sure, it lowers your risk of cervical cancer, but first let’s explore a few things.

*How EFFECTIVE is this vaccine against cervical cancer?

*What are your ODDS of actually being diagnosed with cervical cancer in the first place? Essentially, how many HPV infections actually turn into cervical cancer?

*And most notably, what is the MORTALITY rate for cervical cancer?

A Few Fast Facts.

FACTS on Incidence- 14 million HPV infections are diagnosed in the US each year.

The Gardasil vaccine only protects against four out of over a dozen viral strains thought to cause cervical cancer.

More Perspective- There are over 100 types of HPV viruses out of which 40 are sexually transmitted and only a dozen are thought to cause cancer.

Also, scientific evidence has shown that 90% of all HPV infections clear up within two years all by themselves WITHOUT treatment.

Just WOW.

“Cervical cancer is the easiest cancer to prevent with regular screening tests and follow-up.” *Excerpt from the CDC’s web page on Gynecological Cancers- http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/cervical/basic_info/screening.htm

In other words, regular PAP screening is more than sufficient in preventing this disease. All by itself.

FACTS on Mortality- 3.5 out of 100,000 women will DIE from cervical cancer in the US annually. (12 out of 100,000 women will be diagnosed)
*2013 statistics – American Cancer Society

Pay attention here- That’s LESS than a 1% chance that a woman will actually contract cervical cancer in her lifetime and LESS than one quarter of 1% that it will lead to death.

To put that into perspective, out of every 100,000 women, 11 will die in a car accident. Therefore, you’re twice as likely to be killed in an automobile accident.

People don’t generally lose sleep worrying about losing their life in a motor vehicle accident.

Reputable professional organizations endorsing the Gardasil vaccine include; American Academy of Pediatrics, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), American Academy of Family Physicians, American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the American Cancer Society.

I mention this to clarify that YOUR physician is most likely promoting this vaccine.

The question is… WHY?

This vaccine seems far from NECESSARY.

Sure, it’s obvious that nobody wants cancer or sexually transmitted warts, but if the likelihood of this is already relatively low, why get injected with something that’s currently under scrutiny for causing serious ill effects and possibly death?

The Adverse Effects can be deadly. The Vaccine Adverse Effects Reporting System (V.A.E.R.S) reports there are currently139 known deaths associated with HPV vaccinations.

There have also been at least 22,000 reports of adverse reactions, which may be quite fluid as many reactions are never reported.

Serious reactions reported include-

Seizures
Convulsions
Coma
Hemorhages
Guillane Barré Syndrome and Paralysis
Pancreatitis
Blindness
Cerebral Vasculitis (swelling of the brain)
Lupus-like immune disorders
Blood clots
ALS-like schlerosis
Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura (ITP)

Take another look at the reactions. They are NOT your run-of-the-mill generic side effects like- nausea, vomiting, headache, dizziness, upset stomach, constipation or diarrhea. These effects are quite serious and potentially life threatening.

The victims stories are horrifying. I’m attaching links to several victim web sites for you to review and form your own conclusions.

The intention of this writing is not to persuade you one way or another, but to merely to encourage you to question your choices.

Ethical Concerns-

One might ask WHY there’s an URGENT push to vaccinate?

Why all the media hype, the boisterous campaign- Be One Less… ?

Also, why was this vaccine fast tracked for approval by Merck after only being tested on 1,200 girls under the age of 16?

Most likely it’s the almighty dollar.

MONEY MONEY MONEY… MONNNEEEEEY.

The vaccine is expected to reach one billion dollars in sales next year. Wall Street analysts predict that sales could reach four billion dollars over the next five years.

Is Merck using young girls as guinea pigs for profit? It’s very possible. The bottom line always seems to lead to the inner lining of the corporate world’s pockets.

Cervical cancer is not an imminent threat if you diligently have PAP screenings. This is NOT something that sneaks up on you and suddenly takes your life.

“The rate at which invasive cancer develops from dysplagia (atypical cells) is usually slow, measured in years and perhaps decades. (1)

1. Holowaty P, miller AB, Rohan T, et al: Natural history of dysplasia of the uterine cervix. J Natl Cancer Inst 91 (3) 252-8, 1999

The choice here seems obvious.

*********************************************************************************************************

Please do not lose sight that throughout history, certain vaccines have been integral in eradicating deadly mass epidemics such as small pox, diptheria, measles, rubella, tetanus, polio and whooping cough.

These advances in medicine have absolutely changed the world and saved millions of lives.

This is not about THAT.

This is about creating a questionable nonessential vaccine with a sketchy safety margin that’s seemingly being marketed purely for profit.

Parents –

Question it.

Do your own research.

Stay informed.

Make your own decision.

Do not be bullied by your practitioner.

Higher education was the precursor to their fancy degree.

Common sense and conscience were not necessarily a factor.

PASS IT ON- Even though this vaccine has been on the market and in the media since 2006, does not mean the majority has been properly informed. Every day thousands of new young people become age eligible for this vaccine.

Please spread this important information.

****************************************************************************************************

http://www.gardasilandunexplaineddeaths.com/facts

http://communities.washingtontimes.com/neighborhood/stress-and-health-dr-lind/2013/apr/10/us-court-pays-6-million-gardasil-victims/

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/01/24/hpv-vaccine-victim-sues-merck.aspx

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/10/16/unproven-hpv-vaccine-safety.aspx

http://www.pop.org/content/merck-researcher-admits-gardasil-guards-against-almost-nothing-985

Click to access Death-after-quadrivalent-human-papillomavirus-vaccination-full-paper.pdf

http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cervicalcancer/detailedguide/cervical-cancer-key-statistics

http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/February-2012/Dr-Joseph-Mercola-Visionary-or-Quack/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diane_Harper

http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/vpd-vac/hpv/vac-faqs.htm

Click to access cervical_facts.pdf

http://www.cancer.org/cancer/cancerbasics/lifetime-probability-of-developing-or-dying-from-cancer

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2964337/

http://www.greenmedinfo.com/anti-therapeutic-action/vaccination-hpv-gardisil

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1568997214000664

http://onemoregirlmovie.com/

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/gardasil-researcher-speaks-out/

Click to access BSEM-2011.pdf

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21Oct2013

Say NO to Pumpkin Butts

Posted in Everything Extreme by Extreme Mom

Call me a prude and a party pooper (pun totally intended) but I don’t find the new trend of festively painting babies bottoms for holidays even a teeny bit cute.

My moral compass registers NO pretty much immediately.

Don’t get me wrong, baby bottoms are adorable. In fact, I’m admittedly guilty of taking the token naked-baby-on-the-changing-table (belly side down) of each of my newborns when they came home from the hospital.

I also have no problem with tots darting around the beach or kiddy pool in the buff. Any seasoned parent knows bathing suit malfunctions are not uncommon and tots love a good strip tease. They’re practicing autonomy- doing it all by themselves. Mastering the skill of dressing.

It happens. Kids are streakers from way back.

In a family centered environment it’s not that big of a deal.

I suppose my comfort meter alarms over-the-top at the mere thought of anyone restraining (they absolutely are holding them against their will) a baby so they can festively decorate their privates with paint.

It’s not cute.

Babies are not chalk boards or blank canvas for gods sake.

We just don’t paint our offspring for our own selfish entertainment.

Again. It’s not cute.

Worse yet is posting these humiliating photos on the Internet for everyone and their brother to copy, paste and pin to Pinterest where the copy-paste-post cycle will repeat for all of eternity.

Soon enough, pumpkin butt will grow into a child with emotions who’s capable of independent thought and more than likely resent the hell out of the artist.

Way to go mom.

Don’t insult my intelligence by comparing hand and foot prints. It’s not even remotely close to butt prints. We’re comparing apples and oranges in which case, this one happens to be a pumpkin.

My four kids (ages 13 – 20) remain horrified to this day when they view the changing table photos.

And, I do mean HORRIFIED.

I can’t even begin to imagine how they’d feel had I painted pumpkins or Easter eggs on their butts and posted them on the Internet.

I know I’m going to get a lot of hate mail on this one.

C’est la vie.

I’m advocating for the babies and I’m not budging.

It also invites us to open an entirely NEW conversation that goes something like this- when explaining GOOD TOUCH – BAD TOUCH to your four year old… where does mommy doodling on baby sisters bottom or making canvas butt prints fall on the spectrum of what’s acceptable?

How confusing.

Where do we draw the line?

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15Oct2013

Mentoring- it’s not about YOU

Posted in Everything Extreme, Special Needs and Sensitivity by Extreme Mom

Because, maybe sometimes we forget…

If you’re in a position mentoring children whether it be as a teacher, coach, club advisor or scout leader, you must never lose sight of one very important fact-

Your primary duty is to serve the youth you have been entrusted with.

Your mission is incredibly important to those you lead and YOU have a huge responsibility to EACH and every one of them.

As a role model and mentor, your diligent attentiveness to their individuality, your own attitude and personal advisement or lack thereof, could make or break a child’s day, season or school year.

To you, your role may simply be means to a paycheck or perhaps something you were coerced into.

To them, this particular activity may be an important milestone that gets etched into their memory bank forever.

The movie Rudy could have had an entirely different ending or never even been a story at all.

These are important moments.

If you think for one second, this mission is about YOU, your teams record, accomplishments, awards or public image, not only are you dead wrong, you are a liability to the spirit of youth and clearly in the wrong business.

Never lose sight of how powerful your influence can be in someone else’s life.

Use your position… wisely.

Pass it on.

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22Sep2013

Extreme Czar of Special Days

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

Dear Trigger-happy-Facebook-sheep who re-post anything and everything,

I have a bone to pick with you that goes something like this… EVERY day can’t possibly be Mental Illness Day, Special Needs Day, Autism Awareness Day, ADHD Awareness Day and Every Other Cause Under the Sun Day.

It just can’t.

This unnecessary grassfire of confusion is total bullshit.

Someone grab the BS extinguisher and douse the ignorance inferno already.

Each cause is entitled to an allotted day, month or whatever.

Fair enough.

I totally respect special cause days. Awareness and education are key in promoting support and acceptance.

My point is simply… the verbiage is all WRONG.

Let’s get it right people, because the inconsistency hurts my brain.

Think of it this way. How outrageous would you be if someone posted, “TODAY is Mother’s Day. Repost on your wall for 30 minutes if you love your mother” on ANY random day in July and December and wheneverthefuckever… over and over again?

It’s ludicrous.

Everyone knows Mother’s Day is in May.

So when this crap pops up repeatedly in December, your brains like “WTF man? Stop messing with me.”

The brain can only be pushed so far before you can fry an egg on it, like in that very famous this-is-your-brain-on-drugs commercial.

This is your brain on Facebook.

Ssssssssssizzle.

So, get your shit together people.

On a completely different, yet worthy note I’d like to officially hose down those lame bully tactics daring you to re-post or share if you’re not embarrassed or ashamed of the said cause or what-not.

Screw you, Facebook bullies. You’re not the boss of me. I’m a rebel who will re-post nothing when manipulated or threatened.

No can do.

Bite me.

Obviously, Facebook could use some sort of official calendar czar to sort through and regulate this ridiculous chaos.

Clearly, people are confuzzled over what-in-the-hell day it REALLY is and I fear that soon they’ll be stuffing chocolate bunnies into red fuzzy stockings waiting for the ADHD Fairy or Temple Grandin to leave them a shiny red choo choo train filled with common sense.

It’s very similar to the wise familiar tale, “The little boy who cried wolf.”

Let’s face it, when something shows up in your newsfeed every single damned day, the BIG event is reduced to background noise when it finally rolls around. It’s SPECIAL is kaput.

It’s kind of like the repetitive movie Groundhogs Day, which quite frankly makes me want to swan dive off a tall building directly into Rodney Dangerfield’s stinky golf bag.

I’m so confused.

This insanity just can not continue.

Here it is in OCD order. An incomplete listing of the days that seem to get the most Facebook air time, screen time or whatthehellever you prefer to call it.

January is Birth Defects Prevention month. (not to be confused with World Prematurity Awareness month which is actually in November and not January)

The March of Dimes who’s mission is to prevent birth defects holds their annual fundraising campaign Walk for Babies sometimes in August, September or October, which is why I diligently listed this cause on our very precise calendar.

Pencil that in.

February is African-American History month not to be confused with Martin Luther King Day which is in January. It’s also American Heart month and Women’s Heart Health month.

Women’s Heart Health month??

Let’s just chill the F out ladies. It’s already Heart Health month. Stop being such attention whores and just share the month with the men. THIS is exactly the sort of thing that gives women a bad name. JC on a stick. Just stop whining. Pretty soon you’ll be demanding your own planet. No wonder you have heart problems. Y’all are self righteous spoiled brats looking for an injustice to bitch about. Bitching raises your blood pressure and will eventually kill you.

Just chill the F out.

March is my birthday, Developmental Disabilities Awareness month and an excuse to drink green beer and kiss midgets. Go figure.

April is Autism Awareness Month. Did you read that? It says APRIL. Pack your Autism decorations away in a trusty Rubbermaid tote, so you may hang them appropriately in April.

Clarification- I post informative autism related information ALL of the time, because I have a son with Asperger’s so pretty much every day is Autism Awareness Day for me. The difference is, I’m not posting some dumb shit that says, TODAY’S Autism Day, so pass it on… every single day.

From hereon in, we’ll all KNOW that World Autism Awarness Day is April 2nd, so we’ll be ready to hang our Autism stockings by the fireplace and decorate our Aspie tree on cue… in APRIL.

In May we recognize Law Enforcement Appreciation, Teacher Appreciation, Nurses Appreciation and Mother’s Day. Under-appreciated service vocations or messy jobs month apparently.

I didn’t say Dirty Jobs you guys. Mike Rowe’s birthday happens to fall in March, same as mine. Lucky coincidence. Some day we’ll toast one another with warm tankards of Guinness and he’ll clean the green stuff outta my fridge.

A girl can dream.

June is Gay Pride month and Father’s Day. Don’t confuse these two. Not all dads are fond of rainbows and not all gay men like neck ties or maybe that’s multicolored rainbow designs on neck ties?

Whatever.

If your dad is gay, you can kill two birds with one stone, which is awesome if you’re a multitasker. (unless of course, your dad is straight and has incredibly poor aim. In which case, you can disregard everything)

September is ADHD Awareness month. Right in time for back to school. Perfect.

Was that a squirrel?

I repeat, “September is ADHD month.”

October is Aids Awareness, Breast Cancer Awareness, Domestic Violence Awareness, Downs Syndrome Awareness month and Fire Prevention month.

*Note- there’s way too much going on in October. Spread that shit out. There are 12 perfectly good months on the calendar to choose from you psycho nut jobs. You’re like bratty little kids fighting over the only blue Popsicle. Someone’s going to have to chose a different month. I’ll just sit here and wait while you sort it out amongst yourselves.

Also, enough with every Tom, Dick and Harry cause having their own ribbon color. Aids started it and everyone had to be a copy cat. Originality is dead.

You need an answer key to figure out which color belongs to whom.

November is Lung Cancer and Diabetes Awareness month. Diabetes, really?? The same month that the Thanksgiving cornucopia’s overflowing with chocolate pudding and whipped cream. Who’s in charge of these things anyway, Homer Simpson?

Incidentally, the Great American Smoke-out also takes place on the third Thursday of November.

How convenient.

Grab a piece of pie to tame your craving and end up with dia-fucking-beet-us.

I’m calling Wilford Brimley to tattle on you.

Last but not least…

December is Political Correctness Awareness month. Seriously? You cannot make this stuff up. Which supports my point that PEOPLE (whomever the officials are) will declare just about ANYTHING worthy of having it’s own recognition month.

Appropriately enough, it’s the very same month people max out their credit cards like gypsies on crack, eat and drink themselves silly and overindulge in any and every possible way. All in the holy sacred name of Jesus???

Whoa…

Our society has successfully managed to reduce the once holy Christmas season to a batshit crazy stressful time measured in profit margins and sales. It’s the time of gimme gimme gimme.

I’m not a fan of the C holiday.

There’s no Christ in Christmas anymore. We may as well change the verbiage to Merry Cha-ching.

Christmas and political correctness share a common denominator in that they’re both equally out-of-control train wrecks caused by too much interference.

Some things should be left alone.

If it ain’t broke…

But, THAT’S a completely different post.

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8Sep2013

Twas the First Day of School…

Posted in Damned KIDS, Everything Extreme, ThatGoddamnedCAT by Extreme Mom

‘Twas the first day of school and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring…

Not even a mouse?

But, not because ThatGoddamnedCat was diligently guarding his post.

Nope.

ThatGoddamnedCat is never around when you actually need him, which is partially how he earned his fitting name ThatGoddamnedCat.

Not a creature was stirring, becauuuuse…

Stewart-the-stupid was camped out in the bottom of the family toaster gorging himself on bread crumbs and chocolate Pop tart sprinkles.

Why didn’t he just eat off the floor where there’s almost always a generous buffet containing three square meals?

My extreme theory is this- he must be a teenaged mouse, because everyone knows teenagers are know-it-alls who don’t listen to their elders, which in this case happens to be Mr. & Mrs. Little. (who, incidentally, are most likely still ALIVE, simply because they know enough to stay the-hell outta the toaster)

Unfortunately for their son Stewart-the-stupid, Diva #13 happened to be in the mood for TOAST on this particular dismal morning.

On a similar note, yet completely off on a tangent- one Easter morning, Diva #13 was in the mood for cinnamon buns and turned on the oven where the dumbass Easter Bunny had recently hidden her brothers Easter basket.

The dumbass bunny even saw her do it, but wasn’t caffeinated or conscious enough at the time to process, let alone react to the situation.

By conscious, I mean the dumbass bunny’s body was standing in the kitchen but her brain was still in REM sleep most likely having a Channing Tatum-dipped-in-chocolate-wearing-bunny-ears dream.

And, yes the bunny still hides my kids Easter baskets even though the eldest is 20, because it’s FUN for her, THAT’S why.

Anyway, back to this episode called… Of mice and hungry-girls-in-the-mood-for-toast-on-the-first-day-of-school.

Enter Diva #13.

“Mommmmmmmm!!!!! I think there’s a mouse behind the toaster… I heard a SQUEAK SQUEAK!!”

BEHIND the toaster would’ve been a semi-acceptable location for a mouse, says my half-asleep brain.

I grab my mom cape and fly into the kitchen where I immediately smell burn.

The electrical kinda burn.

I’ve put out at least one of every imaginable type of appliance fire, so my nose knows.

The example below was called the French fry incident of 2012.

“Pheeeew!!” says my brain assuming the dumb furry golf ball sized intruder gnawed through the cord that’s on the OUTSIDE of the toaster.

My mom vision diverts to the toaster.

It’s in the DOWN position and it’s still toasting away.

Sonofabitch.

I quick unplug it with my Inspector Gadget mom arm and NOTHING scurries out.

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit!!!!

Double-triple-quadruple SHITTTTT!!

I just KNOW.

Diva #13- Ohhhhh my God… Did I toast the mouse???!!!

Me- No No No!! (fibbing to spare her from certain emotional turmoil)

Enter #16- Oh my God… she toasted a mouse!!!! Noooo waaaay!!!!

Me- No, he just got… stuck (giving him the evil mom eye that says STFU and walk away. He knows that look)

Breeeeeeeeathe….

Think.

The crisis has been averted temporarily.

Toaster unplugged… check.

My brain flashes back to- it’s the first day of school and we’re already going to miss the damned bus.

Bus missing happens to be the story of our life, minus today’s very acceptable excuse of having a fuzzy morning intruder stuck in our toasting appliance.

Quick run outside and take a few token first-day-of-school pics where hopefully nobody’s facial expression will look anything like the SCREAM guy.

Him.

I generously allow (Big Kahunna’s) #16 to drive my van to school for the first time, so my expression probably does resemble the SCREAM guy.

My nerves say so, anyway.

Diva #13 takes the bus.

Status- Two off to school ON TIME.

Life is good, right?

Wrong.

Now it’s time to deal with how-bad-is-the-carnage-in-the-toaster? situation.

Did I already say SHITTTTTTT!!!!!???

I know I have to, so I insert new batteries into my CSI wannabe flashlight (that’s actually just a regular flashlight owned by people who are me and usually love solving a good mystery, except for when it happens to involve crispy rodents) and examine the scene.

My conclusion- Stewart-the-stupid rodent…. in the far right toaster slot…. smooshed by up&down mechanism…. by Diva #13.

It would appear that the roasting occurred after Stewarts demise, therefore enhancing the dismal scene with aromatic extra crispy dumbass mouse, which by the way, ABSOLUTELY multiplies the ICK factor by like a gazillion.

The moral of the story- always check the toaster before you pull the trigger.

There.

I’ve made you paranoid for life.

I’m sorry and you’re most welcome.

Ps- Just so you know my level of dedication, I spent 99 cents on an app to turn Channing into a chocolate dream bunny.

For driving stories involving Big Kahunna’s #16- click here…

https://extrememom.net/2013/04/11/big-kahunas-goes-driving/