Merry Hanukkah, Happy Christmas or WhatTheHellEver.

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Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays… Who really cares about the verbiage??

I for one DO NOT.

I’m sick to death of political correctness. Our society is quickly transforming into a bunch of whiny-baby self serving assholes.

A greeting in good faith is simply a greeting in good faith.

Who really cares if you’re a Jehovah’s Witness, disciple of Tom Cruise, Christian, Buddhist or some other modern made-up cult.

It just doesn’t matter.

There is NO EXCUSE for rudeness.

When someone wishes you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyful Kwanza or WhatTheFuckEver, you graciously say “Thank you, same to you.”

Is it THAT difficult?

The person is offering WELL wishes for Gods <or insert your favorite SUPREME POWERS NAME here> sake.

Don’t get your elf thong in a bunch.

The REAL issue here should be- Howinthehell do you spell Hanukkah/Chanukah anyway??!!

The Jewish faith gets a FAIL for inconsistency and indecision. We’ll wait patiently while you people vote on the correct spelling. I say lose the C. Who needs extra letters that you don’t even pronounce?

<< Jeopardy theme song inserted HERE >> It’s already playing in my brain, you may as well enjoy it too.

This particular Jewish holiday also kicks auto-corrects sorry ass every. single. time.

May I suggest a revision, like perhaps… The Jewish Candle Holiday?

It has a nice ring to it. Plus, I can actually spell every one of those words.

Getting back to etiquette and most importantly, things that piss me off-

When you sneeze and someone responds with “God bless you” you DON’T turn and say “Kiss off, you Jesus-freak-son-of-a-bitch, I’m an atheist!”

You just don’t.

Relax man.

You’re being blessed and shit. Just chill.

How about everyone just chooses whateverinthehell greeting they like best? Because, quite frankly, I don’t know when Kwanza or the Jewish Candle Holiday even are, so this would be much less confusing for me.

Most of the time I go with the generic “Happy Holidays.” It happens to be my personal catch-all default phrase, and NOT because I’m afraid of offending someone with Merry Christmas wishes either. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t lose much sleep worrying about other peoples opinions.

Anyway, the reason I prefer the particular Happy Holidays phrase is because it covers the WHOLE enchilada- Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years, The Jewish Candle Holiday, Kwanza, as well as my personal spawning season otherwise known as my kids birthdays. (No kidding- Dec 20, 29 Jan 9 & Feb 6)

For me, it’s the only way to go.

Another bone of contention that gets on my last frayed nerve is when some Christians get worked up and indignant that EVERYONE doesn’t use the phrase Merry Christmas.

As a fellow Christian let me just reiterate that we don’t own the month of December.

The Earth is a ginormous place that just so happens to look like a very cool psychedelic marble… that’s made up of a bazillion shades of blue.

If you celebrate Christmas by all means shout MERRY CHRISTMAS from the tallest bar stool. Anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss Santa’s fat Buddhist ass.

I can’t verify that Santa is in fact Buddhist, but I blurted that out because the Buddha statue could totally be his Great Grandfather.

Just saying.

Anyway, feel free to SHOUT OUT your greeting of choice.

In the unlikely event that someone has the audacity to rudely voice their objection, simply remove your Grinch taser gun from it’s mistletoe holster and zap them in the eyeball or sensitive groin area. Your choice.

Let’s face it, there’s a lot of stress and tension during this hectic time of year. Shooting up and tasering people would therefore qualify as a kick ass therapeutic activity.

Win win.

Make my day.

I’ll surely be crucified for this post.

C’est la vie.

Also, wrong holiday.

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Important note- Do not scroll down any further without first reading this disclosure.

Disclosure- the following meme content is rude, crude, distasteful, potentially offensive, wrong-on-many-levels and downright hilarious.

All hate mail will be marked… Return to sender.

It is my belief that the almighty higher power has a most excellent sense of humor.

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Cruisin in the Jesus-mobile

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If you think your 16 year old has the smarts NOT to put the pedal to the metal on a flooded street… think again.

Yes, he did.

Dammit.

I guess it’s entirely possible my good catholic boy thought we were driving the Moses-mobile and the flood waters would part for us… or perhaps he had it confused with the Jesus Grand Caravan that floats on water.

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I’m not quite sure, but he knows now, because I yelled “HolyHELL! and GODdammit!”

Among other things.

Also, I think my head spun around 360 degrees.

Luckily, nothing green came shooting out of my mouth on account of I didn’t eat any green veggies at dinner, because sometimes (every day) I skip the green group entirely.

A definite perk to eating whatever-in-the-hell you want.

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This, of course, does not include green M&M’S.

Love those.

The moral of the story-  take NOTHING for granted when your 16 year old is driving.

Apparently, they have the same skills and mentality as a two year old driving the self-propelled Fred Flintstone car.

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Also, it wouldn’t hurt if the car seats doubled as floatation devices in the unfortunate event of a water landing and for my sanity and reassurance.

Dear God,  I took the liberty of tagging you, just in case you’re busy attending to some sort of important Godly business and miss this post.

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Also, you  probably need to authorize overtime for his guardian angel. That feathery-winged patrol officer certainly has his hands full with this one.

Amen.

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Butch Sundance, Jesus and the Easter Bunny

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Let me get this RIGHT.

Jesus rises from the dead to save all mankind from eternal damnation  =  which EQUALS = a celebration of  bunnies, baby chickens, colored eggs, chocolaty treats and an addition to the vegetable group called jelly beans.

I’m pretty sure this is one of those new common core word problems that involves logic and reasoning.

Here’s my fully researched edition to clear up any confusion.

And so, boys and girls…

The 6 foot bunny gave the giant boulder one swift kung-fu kick, and freed Jesus from the tomb.

The duo was so elated, the rabbit went on to lay colorful eggs in their wake.

But, the eggs soon became rancid and stinky in the hot sweltering sun.

So, in later years, the rabbit evolved to lay jellybeans and gross sugary Peeps instead.

*Chocolatey sweets (my favorite) were reserved for those far away lands plagued by frigid spring weather. (to preserve freshness)

And so it was…

Hippity hoppity… Easter’s on it’s waaaaaaay!!

*Editors note- the author of this enlightening passage is a practicing Roman Catholic and happens to be like this with the BIG guy.
Actual (fabricated) message from God- “I have no idea how this was left out of the bible. Apologies.” (probably, they were drinking wine like water or something like that. <—My divine theory )

The End.