As Supreme Ruler of the Kingdom, I hereby proclaim that Mother’s Day be celebrated the entire weekend this year… and forever.
It’s been a rough one, that’s why.
No way is one lousy day of cleaning up your own shit and being on excellent behavior gonna cut it, girls and boys.
Not this year, my precious offspring.
Extreme mom is going completely proactive this Mother’s Day to guarantee that it doesn’t SUCK.
You have been hereby enlisted… as a GIVER.
Therefore, specific TO DO lists will be distributed to each of my brood.
We’re gonna get it right this time.
Here we go.
Mother’s Day… Take 21!!
(The number is accurate. No. Shit.)
Here’s a preview of my short list of demands:
*You will bathe the dogs with excellent smelling shampoo, then scrub the entire bathroom including the tub.
YES, this does need to be spelled out.
The powder room and pets shall smell like a fresh meadow.
*Clean my car- that was incidentally trashed by YOU.
You shall vacuum the resident floor rubble and debris that you dragged in, clean all dog slobber off the windows, dispose of dead insect carcasses from the dashboard and remove sticky goo from the cup holders.
Again, sparkly clean.
•Vacuum both sets of stairs in the house and do not attempt to make a new family member out of the pet hair.
NO, I wouldn’t mention this if history hadn’t dictated already that it’s was absolutely necessary.
Plus, we already have our limit of dependents.
Use care not to clog the vacuum. I’m tired of performing a colonoscopy on the Dyson every single time I attempt to turn it on.
This is a proactive exercise, because unfortunately some things do have to be spelled out.
Remember, this is only my short list.
Had my children had the foresight to say… toast me a lousy poptart, scribble HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY on a sheet of paper or pluck me a few daffodils from my own garden, I wouldn’t have been forced to make these heinous demands.
I shall also, hereby be completely EXEMPT from partaking in any of the following on Mother’s Day weekend, which absolutely includes Friday and Saturday… from this year until the end of time.
I shall not cook or touch unprepared food.
I shall not go to the grocery store.
I shall not do laundry.
I shall be exempt from driving you anywhere.
I shall not do dishes… or even look at them.
I shall not answer questions or engage in conversations beginning with:
It’s not fair…
Things that YOU can do for me:
Pretend to be unmiserable.
Make me coffee
Do not complain… about anything.
Most importantly, do this shit WITHOUT being told or reminded.
Anyone breaking the rules of Mother’s Day Weekend will be exiled to the back yard and forced to live in a tent.
I know my expectations are ridiculously high this year.
A girl can dream…
NOTE- This post was from 2013 and my children failed miserably that year.
That’s entirely different post.
You’re not alone fellow moms.
I, and almost everyone who’s not your kids, appreciate the Hell out of you.
Rock on, mamacita’s!! The world as we know it would come to a screeching halt without you.