Ten Foolproof Resolutions for Dummies and People with no Willpower

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Yes… you can claim a happier and healthier you in 2015!

No willpower required.

Honest.

Follow these ten extremely easy steps –

1. Laugh. Find the funny in life’s toughest moments. Inappropriate humor is better than no humor, and it almost always trumps stress and aggravation. You can rant, internalize, suppress, cry or choose to giggle it off.

2. Eliminate as many chemicals from your diet as possible. If you can’t pronounce it, don’t put it in your mouth. Try to consume food that comes from the Earth and isn’t created in Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory. Eliminate soda and/or anything with so many preservatives it remains exactly the same after one month.

3. Walk and move your body more. You don’t have to commit to Crossfit or join Richard Simmons big girl harem, just move more than you did yesterday. Park your car a little further from the store or take the stairs.

4. Drink more water. It’s the only pure form of hydration. If a drink contains artificial sweeteners or caffeine, it’s likely causing more harm than good. My approach to a happy medium is drinking my coffee with REAL sugar, then drinking more plain water throughout the day. Baby steps are positive steps in the right direction.

5. Radiate positivity. Deliberately squelch all thoughts of jealousy, envy, anger, injustice – as they are catalysts to toxic energy that will inevitably cause stress, leading to illness and overall unhappiness. Fight bad thoughts off with a pointy stick or pirate sword.

6. Breathe deeply. Take deliberate cleansing breaths every single day. This activity has been proven to lower heart rate and blood pressure. Plus, you may feel better simply by cooling your jets.

7. Read. Anything. It’s brain candy. An engaged brain is a healthy brain.

8. Don’t compare yourself to others. Comparison is the biggest thief of JOY and the largest hurdle in reaching personal fulfillment. Know that someone will always one up you, and that’s okay. Focus on your own awesomeness.

9. Love unconditionally. Don’t be judgy. Everyone messes up sooner or later and everyone deserves a second chance. Offer support instead of judgement – it feels better.

10. Never underestimate the power of a good nights sleep or a 10 minute nap. Things are almost always more manageable when you’re freshly rested.

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Maria Kang- Part 2… Oh NO, She Didn’t!!!

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I am angry. She did it again. Maria Kang that is, the fitness guru mom who posed hovering over her three young sons clad in short shorts and a sports bra, and captioned the photo WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

While the photo was most likely intended for her fitness conscious audience, it was posted publicly on her Facebook page and went over with the grace of an elephant in lead pointe shoes.

All hell broke lose in the media.

I personally thought it was a brassy move on her part and wrote kind of a spoof post about it here.

I got a lot of hate mail and responded here.

Now that you’re caught up, she’s back in the news, this time she was temporarily banned from Facebook for hate content.

Apparently, Mrs. Kang wasn’t supportive, open minded or caring in the statements she made in response to an article  in the Daily Mail featuring proud plus-sized women in lingerie.

Maria Kang wrote “The popular and unrelenting support received to those who are borderline obese (not just 30-40lbs overweight) frustrates me as a fitness advocate who intimately understands how poor health negatively effects a family, a community and a nation,” Kang said.

“While I think it’s important to love and accept your body, I was a little peeved because I think that we’re normalizing obesity in our society,” Kang said.

Dear Maria Kang,

You are an insensitive cold-hearted bitch. I’m shocked that you have the audacity to make such a profoundly negative statement. It leads me to believe that you are in fact so narrow minded that you actually BELIEVE women choose to be obese, because they’re simply too lazy to exercise and eat right.

Do you seriously think that?

Perhaps your tunnel vision goes no further than the small demographic of healthy fit women you interact with at the gym.

Since I’ve been an RN for over 20 years, let me enlighten YOU as to what I’ve seen in this vast world of ours that’s a bazillion shades of grey.

Some women happen to have perfectly good EXCUSES, which by the way is a bullshit term, as it implies laziness and blame. I prefer the word circumstances.

You obviously chose the word EXCUSES for it’s shock effect.

The thing is- you perfectly proportioned exercise Barbie doll that happened to win the genetic lottery, the world isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. There are a lot of VARIABLES in other women’s lives preventing them from looking like you and that’s OKAY.

How dare you say that that’s NOT okay?

For a host of different reasons many women will never be thin or physically fit.

How dare you shame them?

The following is an excerpt from a post – The World is a Bazillion Shades of Grey Don’t be Judgy  where I cite a seemingly endless list of variables realized by many women who happen to have perfectly legitimate excuses.

I speak for the masses of women whose dreams are unachievable due to circumstances beyond their control.

I speak for single moms working two jobs to make ends meet, who barely have time to cook, clean, do laundry and read their kids a bedtime story.

I speak for those trapped in abusive or controlling relationships who don’t have choices.

I speak for those with mental health issues like depression, post traumatic stress disorder and disabling anxiety who expend every last bit of energy simply trying to muster through the day.

I speak for those with medical conditions for which they must take daily medication that causes adverse effects like nausea or extreme fatigue.

I speak for those who’ve been involved in motor vehicle accidents who have difficulty climbing stairs or getting out a chair.

I speak for those with arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and other invisible medical conditions that absolutely dictate their level of activity.

I speak for those taking care of children with special needs or elderly parents 24 hours a day, 7 days a week who are physically exhausted.

I speak for those with heart, lung and skeletal problems who are forced to limit their activities.

I speak for those with metabolic and endocrine conditions that cause chronic weight gain and low energy levels.

I speak for those whose addictions have stolen their lives and who continue to wrestle invisible demons.

I speak for the masses of women afflicted by a never ending list of challenging circumstances which causes them to chose meeting their basic needs over any sort of leisure activity including fitness related activities and working out.

I’d also like to toss the don’t-judge-a-book-by-it’s-cover analogy in here, to point out that things aren’t always as they may seem.

Meaning, it is entirely possible for an athlete missing a limb to be in a better overall physical condition to engage in an exercise regime than let’s say a 30-something seemingly healthy woman suffering from depression and fibromyalgia.

Different people, different bodies, different states of health.

We must RESPECT all of these circumstances.

Like Maria Kang, the handicapped athlete has no right to point a judgmental finger at anyone else.

NOBODY has the right to point a judgmental finger in the faces of a society made up of people whose unique situations are a bazillion shades of grey.

Their story is not your story.

You haven’t lived their lives.

You have no right to point or challenge masses of people you know nothing about.

That is all.

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Skinny Wrap- Take Two!!

 

Skinny wrap FOLLOW-UP… Finally
Last Friday evening (yes, seven days ago… I’m very very behind) marked the recommended 48 hour point- following my “IT works” wrap adventure.
That’s when you’re supposed to remeasure and take an AFTER set of photos.
Photos- God help me.
Except, fortunately I was indisposed until late that  evening, so it didn’t exactly happen.
Experiment blown.
I was freezing my butt off in 40 degree blowing rain for six hours watching my son’s track finals, THAT’S where I was.
When I finally got home somewhere around the ballpark-ish time of 9 pm and partially disrobed, I had a belly full of clothing lines from the four layers I was wearing.
Not an entirely ideal photo op.
By partially disrobed, I mean I wore the bottom two layers to bed because I was THAT frozen.
I often sleep like Nanook of the North because I so hate to be cold.
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Also, the clothing created belly lines would’ve completely distorted the smoothness of my skin thus blowing the consistent variables of this experiment right outta the water.
I’m a stickler for details, but only when referring to the almighty scientific method.
The rest of the time I’m an approximator who’s very easily distracted.
Look… a bird.
The bottom line…  Yes, I feel skinnier!!
Not like Anne Hathaway skinny, but definitely less squishy and soft.
I’ll take it.
Highly recommend.
Order one right now.
Perhaps after a few more wrap sessions, I will emerge with Anne’s skinny belly.
I’m pretty confident, actually.
THEN, I’ll be sure to black out the crucial 48 hour milestone, from all painful and distracting sporting events, so I can show off my sexy abs.
I’m almost there.
That means I’m somewhere between Shrek, Anne Hathaway and The Incredible Hulk.
In other words… a sexy monster to be feared.

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Skinny Wrap Adventures

 

I’m doing IT right now.
Yesterday, I drank half my body weight in ounces of water, which is somewhere between the capacity of an olympic sized swimming pool and one of the Great Lakes.
Floating- check.

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Today, I wrapped my retired baby supporting mid-section in miracle wrap that’s actually called the Ultimate Body Applicator by IT WORKS.

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This is gonna take some work, because my incubator is still in prime baby protecting mode. Protecting four babies is serious business, so naturally I have a bit of bubble wrap to evict.

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Here goes…
It’s goey, cool and tingly and you’re supposed to wear it for 45 minutes.
Tic tock.
I’m already past the two hour point because I REALLY want my pants to NOT hurt anymore.
Plus, I have a love triangle going with chocolate and pizza.
I may not EVER take it off. It’s not like I’m gonna turn invisible, right?
Incidentally, INVISIBLE would be an awesome super power for mom’s to have.

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I can kinda see the teeny little guys  diligently shoveling away my belly fat under the wrap.

Interrupting them would be rude, so I’m just gonna let them keep on sculpting while I do my errands.
Is it okay to put Saran Wrap over this thingamajig, because I don’t want it to fall off in the bank or anything.

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Also, I regret throwing out all of my granny panties that go all the way up to your boobs.
They would of provided perfect coverage.

I could steal one of the boys whitey tighties, but NO they both wear boxers, which is probably for the best because then I’d have to write a note on my belly (in case I get in an accident) that says- “Area under construction. Please pardon the mess.”

Also, “These are not my normal underwear you creepy EMS guy!”

I settled for a pretty tight camisole with a cardigan over it (even though it’s 80 degrees).
This way those shoveler guys will get hotter and work faster so I will let them come up for air.
I’m ready for an UNeventful trip wearing my skinny wrap secretly concealed under my clothing.
I’m not gonna lie, I kinda feel like a secret agent wearing a wire.

Let’s go…

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PS- Here’s a link to my Fairy Godmother… I mean distributor. https://jgosman.myitworks.com/Home