How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

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How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

1. Brush your hair and use a deep conditioner.

2. Put on clothes.

Ok, seriously.

Here goes…

3. Don’t be trigger happy. Before you comment, READ the entire post.

4. Comprehend the post. That means let it really sink in until you understand what is being said. (I had to say that, as this post is intended for DUMMIES)

Does it ask a question? If the answer is YES, feel free to comment.

If the answer is NO, then nobody asked your opinion. Simon says, “Do not comment unless you have something positive or constructive to say.”

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WHEN it’s acceptable to give your opinion on the Internet-

1. When someone specifically asks for it. A written passage might read something like this- “What do you think?” “What would you do?” “Please tell us your opinion on this matter.”

Should you happen to stumble upon a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, know that it’s merely a recipe for readers to try if you choose to, and not an invitation to start a discussion on the potential ill effects of polyunsaturated fats found in semi-sweet chocolate morsels. This would RUIN a perfectly good cookie recipe post. (Keep your sour grapes to yourself)

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Do you see where this is going?

On a related note, Extreme Mom shares batshit crazy nontraditional child rearing tales as a means of creating parental comradery through HUMOR. It is absolutely NOT a serious open forum on parenting.

I REPEAT, this is NOT an open forum on parenting.

Did I mention this is NOT an open forum on parenting?

June Cleaver and Carol Brady do not moderate this blog.

There will be no discussion on the best potty training method, debate on how much TV you allow your child to watch or what the appropriate age is for a kid to have a cell phone. Quite frankly, I could care less if you duct tape a smart phone to your kids ear as he passes through the birth canal.

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For shits and giggles, let’s play a fun game of Simon Says as an exercise in reading comprehension and responding appropriately.

Ready?

1. Simon says, “What’s your name?”

Correct answer- “My name is… ”

Incorrect answer- “Everyone named Simon is an asshole.”

2. What’s your favorite color?

Correct answer- < nothing > Simon did NOT ask.

Incorrect answer- “My favorite color is RED but you typed this in black ink, so you suck. Black ink makes me unhappy and irritable. You have no regard for people who are color RED enthusiasts. You’re obviously a prejudice bigot.

3. Simon says, “Look up into the blue sky.”

Correct response- < tilt head back and LOOK UP >

Incorrect response- “I’m wearing yellow sunglasses, so my sky is green. Green is BETTER and you’re an ignorant slut.”

As a page moderator, I’m getting incredibly tired of troll invasions.

I can’t tell you not to be an Internet troll, but I can tell you that your rude off-subject troll comments are NOT welcome here.

I have a troll taser in my hip holster and I’m not afraid to use it.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

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*Note to other Facebook pages and blogs- you’re more than welcome to share this. Together we can defeat the trolls.

Don’t get me wrong, bloggers LOVE comments… as long as they are in sync with the theme of the post. We also love to hear your opinion. Although, starting a heated debate or attempting to put the author on trial is seriously frowned upon and you will be tasered.

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

Leibster Award Questionaire: Get-to-know-and-LOVE-me. Take ONE…

Thank you, Momma Gone Mad http://mommagonemad.wordpress.com/ for nominating my ramblings for the Leibster award.

*Insert fake applause here*

Also, I’m blowing kisses to Momma Gone Mad. –> xxoo!! xxoo!! xxoo!!

I’ll admit, I didn’t have a clue as to what a Leibster award was, so I spent a little time with Professor Google. (I love that guy)

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Look-y up there! I gave myself virtual flowers to celebrate the occasion. Sweeeeet. I didn’t even have to give birth.

Moving right along…

What-in-the-hell’s a Leibster award, you ask? This little ditty should explain it.

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The initiation questions proposed to me, by Momma Gone Mad, were…

1. If you were a super hero what powers would you have?

I’d become the one and only (insert drum roll here) da da da dun… Captain Mind-Reader.  Hands on hips, cape flowing. Go ahead and call me a geekster or wannabe psychic. Ideally, I’d like to be just like Theresa Caputo, (Long Island Medium) except for the part where the people are still alive.  If the invisible cape fits…

2. What is your earliest memory?

That one time Wilma and I got trashed, hijacked Mr. Slate’s pterodactyl and went joy riding through Bedrock. Fred got very red-faced and steamy over that particular escapade. (Fred can also bite me)

3. Tell me about your last vacation. Make it good, I’m living vicariously.

Just this morning I went snorkeling in Tahiti… on Pinterest.

4. Is your blog shaping up to be what you envisioned when you started?

I’m not entirely sure what I’d envisioned. I’m one of those people who tend to dive in head first, without checking the water, so I’m happy to be afloat. Thank you, God, Allah and Morgan Freeman.

5. What is your beverage of choice?

My choice beverage is a frozen margarita with extra salt and an umbrella, but usually I settle for Diet Coke.

6. Who is your ideal reader?

Clones or exact replicas of myself. Middle-aged parents walking the tight rope of sanity. Crazy Awesome people.

7. What is your favorite well-read (over 1,000 readers) blog?

My favorite blog is, without a doubt… The Bloggess. http://thebloggess.com/ She’s the perfect proportion of outrageously silly and painfully honest. I totally heart her.

8. Favorite author?

I can’t pick one. I know, I’m a rule breaker from way back. My answerS are James Patterson for suspenseful who-dun-it’s, and for when I get the urge to pretend I’m a cool kick-ass crime fighting detective.  I do get this urge. Also, I like love Janet Evanovich for laugh-your-ass off, light-hearted funny reads. Mostly, I like to get into trouble with Stephanie and Lula from the Plum series. Those two are side-splitting funny gals.

9. If you could go out and purchase any one item, what would it be?

A magic wand. Duh. *The magic kind and not the adult kind.  This was a topic of discussion on one of my Facebook posts when I naively made a similar statement. Lesson learned. (Also, I’d much rather have the magic kind)

10. What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done?

After making the conscious decision to become a parent, I’d have to go with starting a blog. Total. Exposure. The Gong Show. You’re kinda hanging yourself out on the global clothesline with a big fat bullseye target pinned over your self-esteem. (or what’s left of it) So far, I have a few threads left, but there are days…

11. What is the one thing you cannot live without?

My net surfing, life organizing, all-purpose communicator and favorite big girl toy. My iPhone.

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Without further adieu, my Liebster awardees  are:

1. Diary of a Madmama http://diaryofamadmama.wordpress.com/

2. “papa” the chilkren call me: musings, vignettes, occasional poems http://papathechildrencallme.wordpress.com/

3. Number 9 http://catholicalcoholic.com/

4. Honestly… http://fortyelevenyears.wordpress.com/

5. You Me and Lucy http://youmeandlucy.wordpress.com/

6. Happy Little Hooligans! http://happyhursthome.wordpress.com/

7. Murphy must have had kids http://murphymusthavehadkids.com/

8. Get Dressed Mommy http://getdressedmommy.com/

9. CandidComa http://candidcoma.wordpress.com/

10. Alegriasmuse http://alegriasmuse.wordpress.com/

11. Mucho Monisia http://muchomonisia.wordpress.com/about/

*Note– It would have been considerably easier (and more pleasant) having all my teeth removed with a spoon, than it was coming up with 11 blogs with under 200 followers. If I have mistakenly identified your well established blog as such, I apologise. Here’s a cookie to make up for it. xoxo

Also, I’m giving you my full permission to choose less than 11 blogs, should you accept this nomination and decide to pass it on. (I totally made up that rule, because I’m like the self-appointed Sheriff of this post. Giddy up)

Your eleven required zinger questions are:

1. If you had to be an Old Maid card, which one would it be? (make something up, like…  Valerie Vodka or Shopaholic Shannon)

2. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Just ONE please.

3. If you could live anywhere on earth, where would it be?

4. What was your favorite childhood toy?

5. Are you a dog or cat person?

6. If you could spend the day with any celebrity, who would it be? Why?

7. What three words best describe your blog?

8. Name something currently on your ‘bucket list’.

9. Who’s your favorite author?

10. Describe your strangest dream.

11.  An interesting fact about you…

I look forward to getting to know you better, and totally apologise for this tedious homework. Feel free to change any or all of the above questions. Let your creative monster genius out of the bag.

Ready, set… GO!!

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