How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls


How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

1. Brush your hair and use a deep conditioner.

2. Put on clothes.

Ok, seriously.

Here goes…

3. Don’t be trigger happy. Before you comment, READ the entire post.

4. Comprehend the post. That means let it really sink in until you understand what is being said. (I had to say that, as this post is intended for DUMMIES)

Does it ask a question? If the answer is YES, feel free to comment.

If the answer is NO, then nobody asked your opinion. Simon says, “Do not comment unless you have something positive or constructive to say.”


WHEN it’s acceptable to give your opinion on the Internet-

1. When someone specifically asks for it. A written passage might read something like this- “What do you think?” “What would you do?” “Please tell us your opinion on this matter.”

Should you happen to stumble upon a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, know that it’s merely a recipe for readers to try if you choose to, and not an invitation to start a discussion on the potential ill effects of polyunsaturated fats found in semi-sweet chocolate morsels. This would RUIN a perfectly good cookie recipe post. (Keep your sour grapes to yourself)


Do you see where this is going?

On a related note, Extreme Mom shares batshit crazy nontraditional child rearing tales as a means of creating parental comradery through HUMOR. It is absolutely NOT a serious open forum on parenting.

I REPEAT, this is NOT an open forum on parenting.

Did I mention this is NOT an open forum on parenting?

June Cleaver and Carol Brady do not moderate this blog.

There will be no discussion on the best potty training method, debate on how much TV you allow your child to watch or what the appropriate age is for a kid to have a cell phone. Quite frankly, I could care less if you duct tape a smart phone to your kids ear as he passes through the birth canal.


For shits and giggles, let’s play a fun game of Simon Says as an exercise in reading comprehension and responding appropriately.


1. Simon says, “What’s your name?”

Correct answer- “My name is… ”

Incorrect answer- “Everyone named Simon is an asshole.”

2. What’s your favorite color?

Correct answer- < nothing > Simon did NOT ask.

Incorrect answer- “My favorite color is RED but you typed this in black ink, so you suck. Black ink makes me unhappy and irritable. You have no regard for people who are color RED enthusiasts. You’re obviously a prejudice bigot.

3. Simon says, “Look up into the blue sky.”

Correct response- < tilt head back and LOOK UP >

Incorrect response- “I’m wearing yellow sunglasses, so my sky is green. Green is BETTER and you’re an ignorant slut.”

As a page moderator, I’m getting incredibly tired of troll invasions.

I can’t tell you not to be an Internet troll, but I can tell you that your rude off-subject troll comments are NOT welcome here.

I have a troll taser in my hip holster and I’m not afraid to use it.

“Say hello to my little friend.”


*Note to other Facebook pages and blogs- you’re more than welcome to share this. Together we can defeat the trolls.

Don’t get me wrong, bloggers LOVE comments… as long as they are in sync with the theme of the post. We also love to hear your opinion. Although, starting a heated debate or attempting to put the author on trial is seriously frowned upon and you will be tasered.

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Captcha Codes Suck Robot Balls

Captcha codes make me want to smash my computer screen with a sledge hammer.
On average, it takes me three to four tries before I finally solve the almighty puzzle that was ironically intended to prove I’m an independent thinker and not a smart-ass computer bot.


This makes no sense to me, as it’s no secret that computer bots whoop our mortal asses regularly at pretty much EVERYTHING.
I’ve concluded that these eye-stabbing codes are actually the workings of wiseass robots sitting around a board table smoking weed taking bets on how many attempts it will take us before we finally crack.
 I also suspect there’s a padded room full of captive toddlers and illegible script writing physicians, who do nothing all day but write captcha codes and drink vodka out of a straw.
I wouldn’t be surprised if we the victims (and the butt of their jokes) were being recorded for an episode of reality TV in the bot world.

“Hahaha!! That man is on his 92nd attempt. Taking bets that he self destructs before he gets to 100!!”


Having been recently tortured by this riddle-type nonsense, I was inspired to jot down a list of things that would be easier and considerably less painful than cracking a typical mind numbing captcha code-

*Solving a quadratic equation in your head after drinking a pint of Jäger
*Shaving a female Bigfoot of Italian decent
*Writing a best selling novel… in German after consuming a case of Heineken
*Removing a steak from the jaws of a hungry female sabertooth tiger with PMS
*Giving a badger a pedicure- complete with pretty little recreations of the Sistine Chapel on each toe
*Recreating the Mona Lisa on an Etch-a-sketch blindfolded
*Getting my kids on the school bus peacefully… on the Monday following a holiday weekend
*Flossing Jaws teeth (the shark or the gnarly beast character from the James Bond movies- you pick)
Certainly there are more efficient, not to mention less excruciating methods of determining that a person is not in fact a robot.
Perhaps, a simple check box.
My race can be best described as:
American Eskimo…Asian…African American…Caucasian…Latino…Native American…ROBOT

I’m pretty sure robots can’t lie because duh, they’re robots.

Everyone knows robots are trustworthy.
Highly intelligent and evil, but nonetheless… trustworthy.
All in favor of a check box…
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Facebook Security… NOT


I’m re-posting this little spoof on Fb SECURITY with a catchy picture to trick you guys into reading it.
I have something to say about the latest Fb chain letter thing-a-ma-bullshit that says, “I want to stay PRIVATELY connected with you, blah blah blah, hover-over-my-name-and-recite-The-Declaration-of-Independence-backwards-3times-while-standing-on-your-head-shaking-a-tambourine bullshit.
Adjust your own stinkin privacy settings.
This forum is called the Internet and it’s bigger than the Milky Way (not the creamy delicious candy bar, the galaxy… as in stars and shit)
If you post a photo of your cat, chances are Hitler’s great grandson’s cross dressing lesbian cousin may see it… and even like it.
She may even copy it and use it for her screen saver.
Shit happens. Especially, if it’s a cute cat.
Plus, you guys this is the INTERNET, it’s not an Amish Farm house isolated from society all quaint and private, it’s the Inter-freaking-NET.
By the Inter-freaking-NET, I mean you’re fb status is as private as a flashing billboard on Route 66.
Example: You can meticulously tweak your privacy settings to be as secure as Fort Knox, covered in barbed wire, guarded by rabid flying monkey’s, but there’s no guarantee that a Fb friend won’t share, copy or paste your posts elsewhere.
If you post it, expect it to be displayed in it’s full glory, neon lights flashing in the giant Internet showcase, right next to the Milky Way’s, M & M’s and Twix bars on Route 66… or the Great Wall of China.
I think the best privacy setting is common sense.
Which probably explains a lot.
If you must delete me, I’m totally cool with it.
You will probably miss my very fun posts though, so don’t forget to follow my blog, Extreme Mom, which happens to be a very open-ish format where you even get to follow me to doctor appointments, the dressing room at Macy’s and on occasion, even routine traffic stops by the po-lice.
I’m totally hip like that.

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