MORE Annoying Facebook Statuses – That Drive Me CRAZY!

Swing Dieters

On Monday it’s a photo of a healthy salad with a brag note about their latest diet/workout regimine, on Tuesday it’s a delicious green smoothy with a side of almonds and by Thursday there’s a glossy image of cheesy french fries dipped in fudge.

This type of post resembles a scene from Eric Carle’s The Hungry Caterpillar except the caterpillar is full of shit.

No, I will not be your cheerleader.

The Have-a-Happy-Day Selfie

Here’s a shot of little middle-aged me and my boobs taken exclusively to wish you a HAPPY day. You know… in case you forgot what I look like.

Let’s cut straight through the bullshit – this person is soliciting for compliments and likes. They don’t give a rats ass what kind of day you have. They’re nothing more than attention seeking fb ho’s who need a ginormous bear hug.

I’m embarrassed for these poor girls.

People evasively checking into Facebook from the Emergency Room

Nobody likes a tease. If you’re not going to provide the curious reader with 1.) presenting symptoms 2.) final diagnosis 3.) nature of surgical procedure and/or treatment and most importantly 4.) bonus photos, then please don’t bother.

It’s easier for your friends to pray for you when we know exactly what we’re dealing with.

This post will likely… be continued.

For more wonderfully snarky Facebook themed content click here and here.

9Apr2015

The 10 Most Beat-to-death Facebook Statuses

Posted in Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

When it comes to posting on social media the key is moderation.

Moder-fuckin-ration.

Got it?

Unfortunately, many people do not.

The guilty parties can be divided into several groups – attention seekers, extremists,
and bored clueless people with nothing better to do. The latter are completely harmless, nonetheless equally painstaking and annoying.

The following examples are polar opposites of moderation. People who cannot seem to control themselves. Post, post, post… It’s all acceleration and no brake with these lunatics.

*People posting every single vacation or holiday photo. Nobody wants their news feed polluted by your double or quadruple images. Weed that shit out. Five photos of the same three people posing in front of a giant condom is too many. This type of thing has been known to cause older PC’s to slow down to a crawl and even stroke the eff out. Your clusterfuck of photos are responsible for the sudden death of fragile elderly computers. It’s a wonder these people can sleep at night.

*Ladies constantly posting selfies or commenting on 5 year old photos of themselves to ensure said photo will reappear in their friends news feed. Here’s my face. Here’s my face. Here’s my face… youuuuuu hooo – here’s my face AGAIN in case you missed it!! These high maintenance girls are notorious for squeezing themselves into every single frame whether it’s a graduation, dance recital, sporting event or someone else’s birthday or retirement. It’s all about them. They need a Facebook thumbs up several times a day, like the rest of us need oxygen.

*Cartoons and memes. Originality is dead. Cartoons lose their funny when they’re thrown in your face over and over and over again. The ability to copy & paste does not make one an upcoming Improv star or a wild and crazy guy. Gone forever are the days when reading the Sunday comics were special. May the nostalgic funnies RIP.

*Extremist Kool aid drinking nut-cases who habitually post their intense over-the-top views on politics, special causes, sports etc. It’s safe to say many of these extremists have lost their objectivity. Math and science are examples of the few things on Earth that bear clear definitive answers. The world is more like a bazillion shades of grey. Extremist is often be synonymous with nut job.

*Achievement ho’s – the adult learner who’s taking a class and painfully posts every single one of their test grades or the star employee who uses facebook as their public resume of awesomeness. Newsflash – a certificate or promotion will not repair the obvious gaping hole in your self esteem. These are the exact same people who share results from bogus Facebook quizzes boasting their supposed incredibly super high IQ or suggested career-path – which is almost always something over-the-top spectacular like astrophysicist or neurosurgeon.

Psst… don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

*The distributor of sensationalized bullshit– What this lady does next will totally surprise you! This mans reaction is amazing!! What this guy did will blow you away!! Blah blah blah. Teasers like this give me a strong urge to stab a kitten or dig the authors eyeballs right out of the sockets with a spork.

*Everyone is my BFF posts. The most popular definition of BEST – that which is the most excellent, outstanding or desirable; the singular blue ribbon or gold medal. When a person has 25 BFF’s not only do they lose their credibility, they qualify as a friend whore; a person who has a different BFF to meet every need. Drinking BFF, fitness BFF, work BFF, Facebook BFF, etc. Over-designating the BFF title is right up there with male-animals-in-heat overusing the I love you phrase to get laid. Sleazy. Bottom line- Don’t say things you don’t mean.

*Overly cryptic always a secret agent – this person habitually checks into Facebook from the emergency room, surgery center, police station, court room or church soliciting prayers. They also want you to keep your fingers crossed for them because something big is about to go down. My personal advisement to these wannabe movie star ninjas is this – it’s either secret or it’s not.

*The constant complainer – whether it’s their health, poor service at a restaurant, slow driver on Rte. 9 or anonymous open letter to the mom whose children were unruly in Denny’s – these people project a constant stream of negativity. When you notice their name pop up in your newsfeed you envision wavy toxic green and yellow fumes surrounding their post. This is the person you must HIDE or unfollow. Nobody will be the wiser.

*Repost in 5 minutes if you love Jesus or want to discover a pot of gold coins on your doorstep. No. Just no. It could also read- “repost in 5 min or your kids and dog will blow up” and I still wouldn’t repost. I call this… living on the edge ladies and gentlemen.

1Jan2015

Potential Resolutions for my Facebook Friends… Because I Love You, Man

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

*Limit the selfies. If you look exactly the same as your last selfie (yesterday) with the exception of hair #eleventy-six-hundred being moved 2cm to the left, please restrain yourself. You’re the only one who enjoys seeing your new-selfie-of-the-day, so why not just text it to yourself or use it as your personal screen saver or wallpaper. Don’t drag the rest of us into your quest to find your missing self esteem. If you need Facebook LIKES to feel good about yourself, it’s plain and simple… you’re fucked. And, I’m sorry that I had to be the one to tell you.

*Stop posting horrible shit that gives people like me nightmares. This includes but is not limited to photos of torture, animal cruelty, sensationalized fatalities, and accidents. I don’t want to see footage of people getting eaten by Amazon spiders or bursting into flames. This stuff cannot be unseen. Cut that shit out or I will pull the lever to my trap door and drop your sorry ass into the Land of Un-freaking-friended. So, THINK before you press share. Is this REALLY something you want to share with the class or is it possible that you’re just a fucked up deviant psycho who’s in a class (that should be a padded room) all by yourself?

*Post more dog and cat photos. Pets are considerably more like-able than their human counterparts. Pets don’t suck – at least not on purpose. If they suck, it’s 100% likely that it’s their humans fault anyway. Pet photos make me extremely HAPPY.

*Ditto for baby photos. I require frequent baby fixes. Mini-humans make me sqeeeeeeal with DELIGHT. Babies are perfect humans because they act predominantly on instincts and don’t know how to be selfish assholes yet. Babies are the most genuinely authentic beings on the planet. Babies rock.

I’m going to close with the above four potential resolutions, because I believe in quality over quantity. Plus, the first one is bound to result in an entirely new charter of Gina haters.

It’s all good though, because somebody has to say the important things that need to be said.

Happy New Year!!!

I look forward to hoards of photos of your baby kittens who aren’t tortured, dead or on fire and don’t contain twenty-hundred selfies of you posing in the mirror where you forgot to crop the tacky phone out of the photo.

Cheers!

Xoxo

7Dec2014

Dummies Guide to Web Commenting

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

Newsflash- The Internet is a pretty ginormous social platform that’s not by-invitation-only.

It is not YOUR personal living room where you can screen and confine visitors to your very own social clones -bearing similar beliefs, ideas and values.

Like it or not, there are infinite perspectives on just about everything. It’s called diversity and it runs rampant in our world.

I find it extremely pompous when people make an extended effort to comment on content they stumbled upon while browsing a public platform, because they deemed it to be personally offensive and I’m not talking about news sites and current events. The latter two are known mine fields of volatile opinion.

Sure, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but if the writing in question happens to appear on, for example, a humor-based, variety or entertainment page, it should be perceived as exactly that. It’s highly doubtful the author intentionally penned something funny in an effort to incite a religious or political debate.

It’s like stopping at the butcher shop to debate vegetarianism.

You’re unwelcome. Keep scrolling.

I cannot imagine mustering up and expending any amount of negative energy debating something that was not personally addressed to me.

Sure, many people are passionate about a certain causes and I am not referring to them. I am referring to the busy-body web commenters who creep the Internet looking for something to get defensive about.

Trouble seeking trolls with an agenda… highjacking public posts.

Perhaps it creates an avenue by which despondant Internet dwellers are able to project deep seeded personal unhappiness or insecurities onto random strangers-that-weren’t-addressing-them-in-the-first-place. A means of letting the negative energy out of their mood balloon before it spontaneously combusts. In that particular sense it can be an effective coping mechanism, although dragging the public into your own personal misery bubble is just plain wrong.

In the big scheme of things one person’s opposition rarely has any changing effect on the author or target readers. The end product is simply the unnecessary polluting of public air space with negative energy.

The Internet’s a ginormous place and while it’s true that any sites readership is likely composed of a diverse group of people, in the end it’s the publisher who has the final decision whether or not to run an article – usually based on its anticipated appeal to the majority of it’s audience. Publishers aim to retain readers. Oftentimes web pages also touch on controversial topics in an effort to engage readers in healthy objective debate. I assure you, sponsored sites are not deliberately trying to offend you.

Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity for you to practice an exercise in personal open-mindedness.

Not everything on the Internet is intended to appeal to everyone.

When skimming an article I deem ridiculous or over-the-top, I usually let out an amused chuckle or belly laugh, do an exaggerated eye roll, and immediately close it. Adio’s dumbasses!

I choose to remain sarcastically entertained, which is immensely healthier than morphing into a vicious Internet troll bearing-fangs-and-claws and looking for a bar fight.

The biggest most explosive mine field on the web can be found in the comments of any mainstream discussion on politics, religion and race, as these subjects tend to attract the most narrow-minded loud-mouth extremists on the planet.

Fact. This group of people almost always has a personal agenda.

However… life is all about compromise.

Most things are not inherently black or white, but fall somewhere within the spectrum of fifty-kazillion shades of grey. Anyone solidly planted at either pole is at risk for becoming a close-minded extremist.

Although, every case has exceptions. Remember, we’re practicing open-mindedness.

Much wisdom can be gained in simply pondering other people’s opinions.

Think about it… even if you disagree. An open mind is an ever-expansive mind.

Only close-minded jackasses are quick to comment, because they’ve inadvertently snapped their minds shut, much like a heavy steel trap. They choose to remain self-justified and righteous even when there’s the slightest possibility that they may be wrong.

The wise grasshopper ponders EVERYTHING… which is exactly how he got to be the wise grasshopper in the first place.

Take a moment to think before you comment.

PS – This is not my first Troll Rodeo. I’ve had a lot to say about Trolls in the past.

3Jun2014

How to Avoid Drama for Dummies and Wannabe Queens

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

In other words- How to mind your own beeswax and not reap unnecessary emotional havoc every. single. damned. place. you. go… like the freaking Angel of Bullshit.

There’s the Angel of Mercy, the Angel of Healing and the Angel of Death… so why not the Angel of Bullshit?

After all, bullshit is incredibly abundant, it’s everywhere and it’s uber-exhausting.

As you already know, I’m not a fan of bullshit.

To keep this post slightly shorter than say the fourth edition of War and Peace, we’ll only be discussing social drama, the type of social fuckery involving more than one ~~person~~ victim in a circle, whether it’s friends, family or business.

Social drama is distinctly different than solo drama because it attempts to suck you into it’s spinning vortex much like a revved up Daddy Dyson on steroids.

Solo drama is more like when your premenstrual estrogen spewing 14 year old can’t find her poofy red scarf that compliments her Rosemary’s Babys charm bracelet, hair #307 is out of place and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, so she screams bloody murder and misses the bus.

Entirely different animal.

In a nutshell, solo drama is often just a case of raging hormones that causes temporary psychosis in young ladies.

If you’re a parent, you’re also a professional ignorer of unnecessary noises coming from your offspring.

No biggie.

Let me be über specific here and get this derailed drama train back on track.

How to Avoid Social Drama for Dummies- so that you don’t become a trollish hen that people avoid like the plague or a pesky groups of Jehovah’s witnesses on a sunny Saturday morning.

#1- If your friend is venting about her spouse, significant other, boss, family or another friend, your job is to LISTEN with your ears and not regurgitate unconfirmed bullshit or venom.

Stay out of it. This drama tango is between two people who are not you.

Your mouth is only advised to engage, when being supportive and/or objective. Be careful of what you say.

The following examples are ACCEPTABLE responses which demonstrate supportive and/or objective interaction that does not add fuel to the Drama Queens furnace.

Scenario-

[ Drama Queen- blah blah blah blah blah….. !!!!! ]

You- “That totally sucks rotten velociraptor eggs, sorry.”

You- “Bummer. Why don’t we watch Thelma & Louise and order double cheese pizza.”

You- “Let’s go to the mall and buy shit we don’t need!”

You- “I feel your pain which is precisely why my bff is a dog.”

You- “I’m here for ya, man. Let’s go down a jug of Red Cat and fagetaboutit!”

You- “Here, have a super-size Godiva chocolate bar from the extreme emergency vault.”

You- “When I’m pissed I clean. It’s excellent therapy because… shit gets done!”

You- “I have extra xanax, should I make them into cookies or a cake? You pick.”

UNACCEPTABLE examples and sure-fire techniques to ensue that drama erupts much like the angry honey bees in the famous Winnie the Pooh scene

You- “I’m texting Alvin right now to find out if he’s privy to the details of Simon and Theodore’s peanut smuggling operation that we didn’t get a cut in.”

You- “Well, Jenny Piccolo saw him making eyes at Potsies step-sister at Arnold’s.”

You- “I never liked your asshole mom, sister, boyfriend anyway.” <– This one will blow up in your face every. single. time. when the parties reconcile.

How can anyone be this level of dumb?

You- “Let’s shoot her kids cat and leave it in a pot on the stove like in Fatal Attraction.”

Just no.

Poor kitty has enough problems.

Plus, no picking on animals ever.

What is wrong with you people anyway?

You- “Do you want me to call Chatty Chelsea’s cousin, Know-it-all Nicole and try to extract information?”

You-“My mom works with her Uncle Max at Mission Control and there was this one time he heard the mailbox say this…”

You- “Bring it. This girl’s got PMS. I need to cut a bitch”

These are all examples of FUELING the drama.

Just super-glue your ass to the bleachers and be a spectator for fucks sake.

Also, zip your lips if you’re a person who happens to naturally breathe fire… or unnecessary bullshit.

The world certainly doesn’t need this kind of vindictive chaos. Our planet is already fucked up enough.

*If you are guilty of being a generous provider of drama fuel, you’re undoubtedly a Drama Queen yourself and should promptly cut that shit out, because quite frankly, it hurts my brain and messes up the delicate balance of positive energy flowing throughout the universe.

Think about it. The other person is already in turmoil. Do you really think adding gasoline to the burning wreckage is going to be productive?

Fuck no.

Your friend needs balanced objective support, that’s not in the form of bashing, belittling or manipulating.

Lead by example. Be wise, calm and logical.

In the event that the particular situation is causing you or your friend undo anxiety, consider taking up kung fu, sword fighting or kickboxing.

I’d bet 30 minutes of any of those activities would burn off like an entire fun-sized Snickers bar. Plus, you’d get rid of toxic pent up energy.

However, if you continually chose to be the Oreo filling in the middle of others conflicts (that has absolutely nothing to do with you personally) then just maybe… you live for that shit.

You may not even know it, yet THERE it is.

********************************

Behavior patterns are conclusive.

The person smack dab in the eye of every. single. conflict tornado is obviously the fixed instigator-monkey-in-the-middle and absolutely the common denominator… who’s not necessarily an unfortunate victim of circumstances.

Drama is everywhere.

Everyone is faced with it in some shape or form on any given, if not every single day.

You alone make the decision to either A. deflect it or B. nurture it.

Deflecting can best be exercised by both responding in a calm appropriate manner, and keeping it short and simple.

Responding immediately and passionately to each and every rant, whether be by text, fb message or voice mail, not only condones the wannabe royals behavior, but also validates it as justified and appropriate.

Let the inferno die down before someone gets burned.

Think.

Then respond.

If other peoples names continually edge their way into your conversations… you just may be a Drama Queen, the Angel of Bullshit and an absolute pain in societies ass.

Be mindful of your actions.

Chill.

Think with your brain instead of responding to your emotions.

Don’t be a busy-body troll who’s hair stands up, much like Pinocchio’s nose- every single time they fabricate or exaggerate the truth.

Nobody wants to play with those badass colorful degenerates.

Now, lets all join hands and take a deep cleansing breath.

The end.

Let the dramatic hate mail roll…

18Jan2014

YOUR Easy Guide to YOUR and YOU’RE

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

Easy grammar – How to use YOU’RE and YOUR.

I’m absolutely not poking or pointing a fun finger at anyone, because I happen to know a lot of people could benefit from this very fun catchy lesson.

Plus, let’s face it, there are a lot of suckish teachers out there. When I was in elementary school I think the median age for a teacher was something like 102, so here’s your second chance to learn this shit for good.

If you happen to be fluent in Your-You’re already, this would be an opportune time to share this educational gem with your Facebook friends.

Ready?

YOU’RE means YOU ARE. The apostrophe replaces the A.

Example- YOU’RE (you are) a dumbass.

*I’m totally not talking to you because that would be rude,

YOU’RE (you are) never going to pass that test.

* Ditto. Rude. It’s merely an example.

YOUR – means possession. As in it belongs to you.

*Again. Rude. Not referring to your dumbassery.

Example- YOUR grades will be reflected on YOUR awesome report card.

Is that YOUR degree in English on YOUR wall?

Now get out there and use your newfound knowledge.

YOU’RE (you are) gonna knock ’em dead.

YOU’RE (you are) oh so very welcome.

PS- this is totally going on my LinkedIn profile under publications.

Hells yeah.

This is your diploma.

YOUR very own certificate of achievement because YOU’RE (you are) amazing!

Note- This post was a learning adventure intended in good fun.

Thank you for continuing to follow this blog. Life’s been 50 shades of bat shit crazy these days, so my posts have been kind of erratic. I plan to be re-boarding the regular crazy train again very soon.

23Nov2013

How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

1. Brush your hair and use a deep conditioner.

2. Put on clothes.

Ok, seriously.

Here goes…

3. Don’t be trigger happy. Before you comment, READ the entire post.

4. Comprehend the post. That means let it really sink in until you understand what is being said. (I had to say that, as this post is intended for DUMMIES)

Does it ask a question? If the answer is YES, feel free to comment.

If the answer is NO, then nobody asked your opinion. Simon says, “Do not comment unless you have something positive or constructive to say.”

WHEN it’s acceptable to give your opinion on the Internet-

1. When someone specifically asks for it. A written passage might read something like this- “What do you think?” “What would you do?” “Please tell us your opinion on this matter.”

Should you happen to stumble upon a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, know that it’s merely a recipe for readers to try if you choose to, and not an invitation to start a discussion on the potential ill effects of polyunsaturated fats found in semi-sweet chocolate morsels. This would RUIN a perfectly good cookie recipe post. (Keep your sour grapes to yourself)

Do you see where this is going?

On a related note, Extreme Mom shares ~~batshit crazy~~ nontraditional child rearing tales as a means of creating parental comradery through HUMOR. It is absolutely NOT a serious open forum on parenting.

I REPEAT, this is NOT an open forum on parenting.

Did I mention this is NOT an open forum on parenting?

June Cleaver and Carol Brady do not moderate this blog.

There will be no discussion on the best potty training method, debate on how much TV you allow your child to watch or what the appropriate age is for a kid to have a cell phone. Quite frankly, I could care less if you duct tape a smart phone to your kids ear as he passes through the birth canal.

*******************************************************************************************************

For shits and giggles, let’s play a fun game of Simon Says as an exercise in reading comprehension and responding appropriately.

Ready?

1. Simon says, “What’s your name?”

Correct answer- “My name is… ”

Incorrect answer- “Everyone named Simon is an asshole.”

2. What’s your favorite color?

Correct answer- < nothing > Simon did NOT ask.

Incorrect answer- “My favorite color is RED but you typed this in black ink, so you suck. Black ink makes me unhappy and irritable. You have no regard for people who are color RED enthusiasts. You’re obviously a prejudice bigot.

3. Simon says, “Look up into the blue sky.”

Correct response- < tilt head back and LOOK UP >

Incorrect response- “I’m wearing yellow sunglasses, so my sky is green. Green is BETTER and you’re an ignorant slut.”

As a page moderator, I’m getting incredibly tired of troll invasions.

I can’t tell you not to be an Internet troll, but I can tell you that your rude off-subject troll comments are NOT welcome here.

I have a troll taser in my hip holster and I’m not afraid to use it.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

*Note to other Facebook pages and blogs- you’re more than welcome to share this. Together we can defeat the trolls.

Don’t get me wrong, bloggers LOVE comments… as long as they are in sync with the theme of the post. We also love to hear your opinion. Although, starting a heated debate or attempting to put the author on trial is seriously frowned upon and you will be tasered.

22Sep2013

Extreme Czar of Special Days

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

Dear Trigger-happy-Facebook-sheep who re-post anything and everything,

I have a bone to pick with you that goes something like this… EVERY day can’t possibly be Mental Illness Day, Special Needs Day, Autism Awareness Day, ADHD Awareness Day and Every Other Cause Under the Sun Day.

It just can’t.

This unnecessary grassfire of confusion is total bullshit.

Someone grab the BS extinguisher and douse the ignorance inferno already.

Each cause is entitled to an allotted day, month or whatever.

Fair enough.

I totally respect special cause days. Awareness and education are key in promoting support and acceptance.

My point is simply… the verbiage is all WRONG.

Let’s get it right people, because the inconsistency hurts my brain.

Think of it this way. How outrageous would you be if someone posted, “TODAY is Mother’s Day. Repost on your wall for 30 minutes if you love your mother” on ANY random day in July and December and wheneverthefuckever… over and over again?

It’s ludicrous.

Everyone knows Mother’s Day is in May.

So when this crap pops up repeatedly in December, your brains like “WTF man? Stop messing with me.”

The brain can only be pushed so far before you can fry an egg on it, like in that very famous this-is-your-brain-on-drugs commercial.

This is your brain on Facebook.

Ssssssssssizzle.

So, get your shit together people.

On a completely different, yet worthy note I’d like to officially hose down those lame bully tactics daring you to re-post or share if you’re not embarrassed or ashamed of the said cause or what-not.

Screw you, Facebook bullies. You’re not the boss of me. I’m a rebel who will re-post nothing when manipulated or threatened.

No can do.

Bite me.

Obviously, Facebook could use some sort of official calendar czar to sort through and regulate this ridiculous chaos.

Clearly, people are confuzzled over what-in-the-hell day it REALLY is and I fear that soon they’ll be stuffing chocolate bunnies into red fuzzy stockings waiting for the ADHD Fairy or Temple Grandin to leave them a shiny red choo choo train filled with common sense.

It’s very similar to the wise familiar tale, “The little boy who cried wolf.”

Let’s face it, when something shows up in your newsfeed every single damned day, the BIG event is reduced to background noise when it finally rolls around. It’s SPECIAL is kaput.

It’s kind of like the repetitive movie Groundhogs Day, which quite frankly makes me want to swan dive off a tall building directly into Rodney Dangerfield’s stinky golf bag.

I’m so confused.

This insanity just can not continue.

Here it is in OCD order. An incomplete listing of the days that seem to get the most Facebook air time, screen time or whatthehellever you prefer to call it.

January is Birth Defects Prevention month. (not to be confused with World Prematurity Awareness month which is actually in November and not January)

The March of Dimes who’s mission is to prevent birth defects holds their annual fundraising campaign Walk for Babies sometimes in August, September or October, which is why I diligently listed this cause on our very precise calendar.

Pencil that in.

February is African-American History month not to be confused with Martin Luther King Day which is in January. It’s also American Heart month and Women’s Heart Health month.

Women’s Heart Health month??

Let’s just chill the F out ladies. It’s already Heart Health month. Stop being such attention whores and just share the month with the men. THIS is exactly the sort of thing that gives women a bad name. JC on a stick. Just stop whining. Pretty soon you’ll be demanding your own planet. No wonder you have heart problems. Y’all are self righteous spoiled brats looking for an injustice to bitch about. Bitching raises your blood pressure and will eventually kill you.

Just chill the F out.

March is my birthday, Developmental Disabilities Awareness month and an excuse to drink green beer and kiss midgets. Go figure.

April is Autism Awareness Month. Did you read that? It says APRIL. Pack your Autism decorations away in a trusty Rubbermaid tote, so you may hang them appropriately in April.

Clarification- I post informative autism related information ALL of the time, because I have a son with Asperger’s so pretty much every day is Autism Awareness Day for me. The difference is, I’m not posting some dumb shit that says, TODAY’S Autism Day, so pass it on… every single day.

From hereon in, we’ll all KNOW that World Autism Awarness Day is April 2nd, so we’ll be ready to hang our Autism stockings by the fireplace and decorate our Aspie tree on cue… in APRIL.

In May we recognize Law Enforcement Appreciation, Teacher Appreciation, Nurses Appreciation and Mother’s Day. Under-appreciated service vocations or messy jobs month apparently.

I didn’t say Dirty Jobs you guys. Mike Rowe’s birthday happens to fall in March, same as mine. Lucky coincidence. Some day we’ll toast one another with warm tankards of Guinness and he’ll clean the green stuff outta my fridge.

A girl can dream.

June is Gay Pride month and Father’s Day. Don’t confuse these two. Not all dads are fond of rainbows and not all gay men like neck ties or maybe that’s multicolored rainbow designs on neck ties?

Whatever.

If your dad is gay, you can kill two birds with one stone, which is awesome if you’re a multitasker. (unless of course, your dad is straight and has incredibly poor aim. In which case, you can disregard everything)

September is ADHD Awareness month. Right in time for back to school. Perfect.

Was that a squirrel?

I repeat, “September is ADHD month.”

October is Aids Awareness, Breast Cancer Awareness, Domestic Violence Awareness, Downs Syndrome Awareness month and Fire Prevention month.

*Note- there’s way too much going on in October. Spread that shit out. There are 12 perfectly good months on the calendar to choose from you psycho nut jobs. You’re like bratty little kids fighting over the only blue Popsicle. Someone’s going to have to chose a different month. I’ll just sit here and wait while you sort it out amongst yourselves.

Also, enough with every Tom, Dick and Harry cause having their own ribbon color. Aids started it and everyone had to be a copy cat. Originality is dead.

You need an answer key to figure out which color belongs to whom.

November is Lung Cancer and Diabetes Awareness month. Diabetes, really?? The same month that the Thanksgiving cornucopia’s overflowing with chocolate pudding and whipped cream. Who’s in charge of these things anyway, Homer Simpson?

Incidentally, the Great American Smoke-out also takes place on the third Thursday of November.

How convenient.

Grab a piece of pie to tame your craving and end up with dia-fucking-beet-us.

I’m calling Wilford Brimley to tattle on you.

Last but not least…

December is Political Correctness Awareness month. Seriously? You cannot make this stuff up. Which supports my point that PEOPLE (whomever the officials are) will declare just about ANYTHING worthy of having it’s own recognition month.

Appropriately enough, it’s the very same month people max out their credit cards like gypsies on crack, eat and drink themselves silly and overindulge in any and every possible way. All in the holy sacred name of Jesus???

Whoa…

Our society has successfully managed to reduce the once holy Christmas season to a batshit crazy stressful time measured in profit margins and sales. It’s the time of gimme gimme gimme.

I’m not a fan of the C holiday.

There’s no Christ in Christmas anymore. We may as well change the verbiage to Merry Cha-ching.

Christmas and political correctness share a common denominator in that they’re both equally out-of-control train wrecks caused by too much interference.

Some things should be left alone.

If it ain’t broke…

But, THAT’S a completely different post.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

17Aug2013

Password Hell

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

I’ve had it with passwords.

Hell NO, I don’t want a reminder to change my password every 30 days.

Just let me keep the same predictable password for life.

I’ll take my chances.

My brain can’t possibly hold any more useless data.

The NO VACANCY sign is flashing upstairs or perhaps it’s a neuron short-circuit extravaganza.

Whatever.

There comes a time when a person has used up all variations of their own name, kids, pets and initials combined with date of birth, age, graduation and miscellaneous anniversaries.

What else is there?

Just this week I was rudely locked out of two of my accounts and prompted to reset my password.

I decided to go with my REAL feelings on this matter, so I chose FuckyouOldNavy2013 and GmailBlows666 …or something to that effect.

I may remember these, but probably not.

This has been an Extreme Mom snippet.

Short but not necessarily sweet.

Edited with BlogPad Pro

12Aug2013

Predictable and Painful Facebook Statuses

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

I’m in a snarky mood, so I felt compelled to spiff up an old rant post I had written on Facebook Statuses.

You’ve probably been guilty of posting one or two of these fb statuses yourself.

Everyone has… so loosen-the-hell-up and embrace a sarcastic giggle, you uptight troll.

Here goes…

PICK your own Facebook status-

*FML- Murphy’s Law was named after ME. My name is Murphy and my pitiful life sucks way worse than your life. Does toooooooooo!!!

*I’m pulling a knife out of my back, because clearly I walk around with a bulls eye on the back of my shirt and continue to supply the repeat offenders with sharp cutlery for stabbing.

*Here are ALL 3,000 photos of my family vacation including duplicates, duds and indistinguishable images. I don’t want you to miss a single moment! Also, I’m trying my best to clusterfluck up your newsfeed and annoy the hell out of you. You are welcome.

*My kid made the honor roll again, which somehow makes ME awsum, even tho I can’t spell awesome or though.

*Going to the gym…. I do this ONCE a month and I thought the fb world should know. You may now appropriately categorize me with health conscious buff people who are clearly superior to ordinary couch sloths, who don’t go to the gym… ONCE a month.

*This is your daily picture of ME. I’m wearing a different shirt. Duh. Please tell me I’m pretty.

*I lost 2 pounds on the lettuce and broth diet. Please validate my awesomeness with a LIKE, so I won’t be compelled to squirt ketchup on the dog and take a honking bite out of him.

Note- Quit smoking posts are EXEMPT…because I said so, that’s why. In my experience, they’re usually making a serious honest effort, as opposed to their dieting counterparts who are full of shit 99.9% of the time.

Admittingly, a good majority of my own blog posts start out with, “I hate it when I wake up and I’m fat.” These are what I call being-fat-sucks posts not to be confused in any way with I-care-enough-to-diet posts. Big difference.

Moving right along…

*This is ME in a bar with an alcoholic drink in my hand laughing and having fun. I am absolutely in no way experiencing mid-life crisis or soliciting attention.

*Cleaning up my friends list. Be very afraid. In fact, keep your fingers crossed and pray to God, Allah AND Morgan Freeman. It also wouldn’t hurt to send me a gift.

*I’m eating THIS. (and you’re not)

*I love my daughter/son/embryo/mom/dad/husband/wife/EVERYONE/pet worm/cousin’s box turtle/grandma’s parakeet.

*I hate cancer, enemas, root canals and when pianos fall on my head.

*Happy Birthday to my Fb friend who NEVER interacts with me. Ever. (Note- I see you logged in at the same time. The cat must have bitten your commenting finger) You would probably duck if you saw me in Walmart.
•NOTE- when I see my Fb friends in public, I usually bear hug them even if they can’t figure out who I am. This is SO much FUN. <–I really do this. If you’ve slipped through the cracks, I apologize. I either didn’t see you or didn’t recognize you. Kindly wear a name tag next time. I pretty much love everyone.

*I’m posting this grotesque pic of a mutilated dog, because I’m an animal lover who enjoys terrorizing your timeline with horrific unforgettable shit that’s certain to give you nightmares. Note to my Fb friends- STOP. This freaks me right-the-hell out and is the fastest way to get unfriended.

*I’m deactivating my fb account, because you insensitive trolls suck eggs and I’m totally NOT a drama queen. YOU’RE the drama queen. If 50 people LIKE this, I’ll reconsider.

*Repost THIS in 30 seconds or the trap door will be activated and you’ll be dumped directly into the fiery pits of hell. This includes but is not limited to photos of angels, money and Jesus holding bags of money with his arm around Bill Gates. I NEVER repost e-chain mail out of general principle. It’s actually not that bad down here in hell, y’all.

*This is me and if you didn’t notice, these are my bOObs… Proud and Peacock. Maybe, if I get one million LIKES, my self esteem will rise and I’ll put a shirt on. Maybe.

Please SHARE and maybe TOGETHER we can save Fb from certain damnation.

The End.

The Essence of Facebook…

Any Facebook relationship status that reads- complicated is a RED flag. Cut your losses and run like hell.

Pa-leeeeeeeeeese do not insult my intelligence with another diet you’re trying. AFTER pics or it didn’t happen.

Political debates on Facebook lead to NOWHERE except… unfriend, block, delete.

Just stop. The least you can do is photoshop the camera out of the photo. Tacky.

Let’s play… Is it karaoke or a suicide note? Not cool.

Because… you’re a Facebook Rock Star and everyone wants YOUR autograph.

Not.

In three, two, one…

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2May2013

Shout out to the Special One’s…

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies, Special Needs and Sensitivity by Extreme Mom

My response to the slew of well meaning parents whose Facebook posts read…

My honor student was just accepted at Kick-Ass Smarty-Pants University for advanced brain surgery and intermediate astronaut studies. So proud.

Well, my two oldest trialed (for almost an entire semester) Community College and they may even return some day. And yes, I am so proud.

The message- Don’t let COMPARISON steal your joy.

Ever.

Celebrate your own accomplishments

My two have come a LONG way, baby.

Perfection is over-rated.

I’m applauding their perseverance in a world full of obstacles.

My chosen vantage point is intended to lend support to parents of the child who constantly struggles, and in no way to devalue the high achievers.

There’s no IEP for life.

Hats off to the special group of parents who are regularly pushed far beyond their limits and who’s trophy case will remain empty… for eternity.

I salute you… as I salute myself.

The Little Engine’s who Could.

*IEP- Individual Education Plan; adaptations made in general curriculum to better accommodate special needs of student found to meet criteria for disability as defined by federal standards.