MORE Annoying Facebook Statuses – That Drive Me CRAZY!

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Swing Dieters

On Monday it’s a photo of a healthy salad with a brag note about their latest diet/workout regimine, on Tuesday it’s a delicious green smoothy with a side of almonds and by Thursday there’s a glossy image of cheesy french fries dipped in fudge.

This type of post resembles a scene from Eric Carle’s The Hungry Caterpillar except the caterpillar is full of shit.

No, I will not be your cheerleader.

The Have-a-Happy-Day Selfie

Here’s a shot of little middle-aged me and my boobs taken exclusively to wish you a HAPPY day. You know… in case you forgot what I look like.

Let’s cut straight through the bullshit – this person is soliciting for compliments and likes. They don’t give a rats ass what kind of day you have. They’re nothing more than attention seeking fb ho’s who need a ginormous bear hug.

I’m embarrassed for these poor girls.

People evasively checking into Facebook from the Emergency Room

Nobody likes a tease. If you’re not going to provide the curious reader with 1.) presenting symptoms 2.) final diagnosis 3.) nature of surgical procedure and/or treatment and most importantly 4.) bonus photos, then please don’t bother.

It’s easier for your friends to pray for you when we know exactly what we’re dealing with.

This post will likely… be continued.

For more wonderfully snarky Facebook themed content click here and here.

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The 10 Most Beat-to-death Facebook Statuses

When it comes to posting on social media the key is moderation.

Moder-fuckin-ration.

Got it?

Unfortunately, many people do not.

The guilty parties can be divided into several groups – attention seekers, extremists,
and bored clueless people with nothing better to do. The latter are completely harmless, nonetheless equally painstaking and annoying.

The following examples are polar opposites of moderation. People who cannot seem to control themselves. Post, post, post… It’s all acceleration and no brake with these lunatics.

*People posting every single vacation or holiday photo. Nobody wants their news feed polluted by your double or quadruple images. Weed that shit out. Five photos of the same three people posing in front of a giant condom is too many. This type of thing has been known to cause older PC’s to slow down to a crawl and even stroke the eff out. Your clusterfuck of photos are responsible for the sudden death of fragile elderly computers. It’s a wonder these people can sleep at night.

*Ladies constantly posting selfies or commenting on 5 year old photos of themselves to ensure said photo will reappear in their friends news feed. Here’s my face. Here’s my face. Here’s my face… youuuuuu hooo – here’s my face AGAIN in case you missed it!! These high maintenance girls are notorious for squeezing themselves into every single frame whether it’s a graduation, dance recital, sporting event or someone else’s birthday or retirement. It’s all about them. They need a Facebook thumbs up several times a day, like the rest of us need oxygen.

*Cartoons and memes. Originality is dead. Cartoons lose their funny when they’re thrown in your face over and over and over again. The ability to copy & paste does not make one an upcoming Improv star or a wild and crazy guy. Gone forever are the days when reading the Sunday comics were special. May the nostalgic funnies RIP.

*Extremist Kool aid drinking nut-cases who habitually post their intense over-the-top views on politics, special causes, sports etc. It’s safe to say many of these extremists have lost their objectivity. Math and science are examples of the few things on Earth that bear clear definitive answers. The world is more like a bazillion shades of grey. Extremist is often be synonymous with nut job.

*Achievement ho’s – the adult learner who’s taking a class and painfully posts every single one of their test grades or the star employee who uses facebook as their public resume of awesomeness. Newsflash – a certificate or promotion will not repair the obvious gaping hole in your self esteem. These are the exact same people who share results from bogus Facebook quizzes boasting their supposed incredibly super high IQ or suggested career-path – which is almost always something over-the-top spectacular like astrophysicist or neurosurgeon.

Psst… don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

*The distributor of sensationalized bullshit– What this lady does next will totally surprise you! This mans reaction is amazing!! What this guy did will blow you away!! Blah blah blah. Teasers like this give me a strong urge to stab a kitten or dig the authors eyeballs right out of the sockets with a spork.

*Everyone is my BFF posts. The most popular definition of BEST – that which is the most excellent, outstanding or desirable; the singular blue ribbon or gold medal. When a person has 25 BFF’s not only do they lose their credibility, they qualify as a friend whore; a person who has a different BFF to meet every need. Drinking BFF, fitness BFF, work BFF, Facebook BFF, etc. Over-designating the BFF title is right up there with male-animals-in-heat overusing the I love you phrase to get laid. Sleazy. Bottom line- Don’t say things you don’t mean.

*Overly cryptic always a secret agent – this person habitually checks into Facebook from the emergency room, surgery center, police station, court room or church soliciting prayers. They also want you to keep your fingers crossed for them because something big is about to go down. My personal advisement to these wannabe movie star ninjas is this – it’s either secret or it’s not.

*The constant complainer – whether it’s their health, poor service at a restaurant, slow driver on Rte. 9 or anonymous open letter to the mom whose children were unruly in Denny’s – these people project a constant stream of negativity. When you notice their name pop up in your newsfeed you envision wavy toxic green and yellow fumes surrounding their post. This is the person you must HIDE or unfollow. Nobody will be the wiser.

*Repost in 5 minutes if you love Jesus or want to discover a pot of gold coins on your doorstep. No. Just no. It could also read- “repost in 5 min or your kids and dog will blow up” and I still wouldn’t repost. I call this… living on the edge ladies and gentlemen.

Potential Resolutions for my Facebook Friends… Because I Love You, Man

 

*Limit the selfies. If you look exactly the same as your last selfie (yesterday) with the exception of hair #eleventy-six-hundred being moved 2cm to the left, please restrain yourself. You’re the only one who enjoys seeing your new-selfie-of-the-day, so why not just text it to yourself or use it as your personal screen saver or wallpaper. Don’t drag the rest of us into your quest to find your missing self esteem. If you need Facebook LIKES to feel good about yourself, it’s plain and simple… you’re fucked. And, I’m sorry that I had to be the one to tell you.

*Stop posting horrible shit that gives people like me nightmares. This includes but is not limited to photos of torture, animal cruelty, sensationalized fatalities, and accidents. I don’t want to see footage of people getting eaten by Amazon spiders or bursting into flames. This stuff cannot be unseen. Cut that shit out or I will pull the lever to my trap door and drop your sorry ass into the Land of Un-freaking-friended. So, THINK before you press share. Is this REALLY something you want to share with the class or is it possible that you’re just a fucked up deviant psycho who’s in a class (that should be a padded room) all by yourself?

*Post more dog and cat photos. Pets are considerably more like-able than their human counterparts. Pets don’t suck – at least not on purpose. If they suck, it’s 100% likely that it’s their humans fault anyway. Pet photos make me extremely HAPPY.

*Ditto for baby photos. I require frequent baby fixes. Mini-humans make me sqeeeeeeal with DELIGHT. Babies are perfect humans because they act predominantly on instincts and don’t know how to be selfish assholes yet. Babies are the most genuinely authentic beings on the planet. Babies rock.

I’m going to close with the above four potential resolutions, because I believe in quality over quantity. Plus, the first one is bound to result in an entirely new charter of Gina haters.

It’s all good though, because somebody has to say the important things that need to be said.

Happy New Year!!!

I look forward to hoards of photos of your baby kittens who aren’t tortured, dead or on fire and don’t contain twenty-hundred selfies of you posing in the mirror where you forgot to crop the tacky phone out of the photo.

Cheers!

Xoxo

Dummies Guide to Web Commenting

Newsflash- The Internet is a pretty ginormous social platform that’s not by-invitation-only.

It is not YOUR personal living room where you can screen and confine visitors to your very own social clones -bearing similar beliefs, ideas and values.

Like it or not, there are infinite perspectives on just about everything. It’s called diversity and it runs rampant in our world.

I find it extremely pompous when people make an extended effort to comment on content they stumbled upon while browsing a public platform, because they deemed it to be personally offensive and I’m not talking about news sites and current events. The latter two are known mine fields of volatile opinion.

Sure, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but if the writing in question happens to appear on, for example, a humor-based, variety or entertainment page, it should be perceived as exactly that. It’s highly doubtful the author intentionally penned something funny in an effort to incite a religious or political debate.

It’s like stopping at the butcher shop to debate vegetarianism.

You’re unwelcome. Keep scrolling.

I cannot imagine mustering up and expending any amount of negative energy debating something that was not personally addressed to me.

Sure, many people are passionate about a certain causes and I am not referring to them. I am referring to the busy-body web commenters who creep the Internet looking for something to get defensive about.

Trouble seeking trolls with an agenda… highjacking public posts.

Perhaps it creates an avenue by which despondant Internet dwellers are able to project deep seeded personal unhappiness or insecurities onto random strangers-that-weren’t-addressing-them-in-the-first-place. A means of letting the negative energy out of their mood balloon before it spontaneously combusts. In that particular sense it can be an effective coping mechanism, although dragging the public into your own personal misery bubble is just plain wrong. 

In the big scheme of things one person’s opposition rarely has any changing effect on the author or target readers. The end product is simply the unnecessary polluting of public air space with negative energy.

The Internet’s a ginormous place and while it’s true that any sites readership is likely composed of a diverse group of people, in the end it’s the publisher who has the final decision whether or not to run an article – usually based on its anticipated appeal to the majority of it’s audience. Publishers aim to retain readers. Oftentimes web pages also touch on controversial topics in an effort to engage readers in healthy objective debate. I assure you, sponsored sites are not deliberately trying to offend you.

Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity for you to practice an exercise in personal open-mindedness.

Not everything on the Internet is intended to appeal to everyone.

When skimming an article I deem ridiculous or over-the-top, I usually let out an amused chuckle or belly laugh, do an exaggerated eye roll, and immediately close it. Adio’s dumbasses!

I choose to remain sarcastically entertained, which is immensely healthier than morphing into a vicious Internet troll bearing-fangs-and-claws and looking for a bar fight.

The biggest most explosive mine field on the web can be found in the comments of any mainstream discussion on politics, religion and race, as these subjects tend to attract the most narrow-minded loud-mouth extremists on the planet.

Fact. This group of people almost always has a personal agenda.

However… life is all about compromise.

Most things are not inherently black or white, but fall somewhere within the spectrum of fifty-kazillion shades of grey. Anyone solidly planted at either pole is at risk for becoming a close-minded extremist.

Although, every case has exceptions. Remember, we’re practicing open-mindedness.

Much wisdom can be gained in simply pondering other people’s opinions.

Think about it… even if you disagree. An open mind is an ever-expansive mind.

Only close-minded jackasses are quick to comment, because they’ve inadvertently snapped their minds shut, much like a heavy steel trap. They choose to remain self-justified and righteous even when there’s the slightest possibility that they may be wrong.

The wise grasshopper ponders EVERYTHING… which is exactly how he got to be the wise grasshopper in the first place.

Take a moment to think before you comment.

PS – This is not my first Troll Rodeo. I’ve had a lot to say about Trolls in the past.

How to Avoid Drama for Dummies and Wannabe Queens

In other words- How to mind your own beeswax and not reap unnecessary emotional havoc every. single. damned. place. you. go… like the freaking Angel of Bullshit.

There’s the Angel of Mercy, the Angel of Healing and the Angel of Death… so why not the Angel of Bullshit?

After all, bullshit is incredibly abundant, it’s everywhere and it’s uber-exhausting.

As you already know, I’m not a fan of bullshit.

To keep this post slightly shorter than say the fourth edition of War and Peace, we’ll only be discussing social drama, the type of social fuckery involving more than one person victim in a circle, whether it’s friends, family or business.

Social drama is distinctly different than solo drama because it attempts to suck you into it’s spinning vortex much like a revved up Daddy Dyson on steroids.

Solo drama is more like when your premenstrual estrogen spewing 14 year old can’t find her poofy red scarf that compliments her Rosemary’s Babys charm bracelet, hair #307 is out of place and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, so she screams bloody murder and misses the bus.

Entirely different animal.

In a nutshell, solo drama is often just a case of raging hormones that causes temporary psychosis in young ladies.

If you’re a parent, you’re also a professional ignorer of unnecessary noises coming from your offspring.

No biggie.

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Let me be über specific here and get this derailed drama train back on track.

How to Avoid Social Drama for Dummies- so that you don’t become a trollish hen that people avoid like the plague or a pesky groups of Jehovah’s witnesses on a sunny Saturday morning.

#1- If your friend is venting about her spouse, significant other, boss, family or another friend, your job is to LISTEN with your ears and not regurgitate unconfirmed bullshit or venom.

Stay out of it. This drama tango is between two people who are not you.

Your mouth is only advised to engage, when being supportive and/or objective. Be careful of what you say.

The following examples are ACCEPTABLE responses which demonstrate supportive and/or objective interaction that does not add fuel to the Drama Queens furnace.

Scenario-

[ Drama Queen- blah blah blah blah blah….. !!!!! ]

You- “That totally sucks rotten velociraptor eggs, sorry.”

You- “Bummer. Why don’t we watch Thelma & Louise and order double cheese pizza.”

You- “Let’s go to the mall and buy shit we don’t need!”

You- “I feel your pain which is precisely why my bff is a dog.”

You- “I’m here for ya, man. Let’s go down a jug of Red Cat and fagetaboutit!”

You- “Here, have a super-size Godiva chocolate bar from the extreme emergency vault.”

You- “When I’m pissed I clean. It’s excellent therapy because… shit gets done!”

You- “I have extra xanax, should I make them into cookies or a cake? You pick.”

UNACCEPTABLE examples and sure-fire techniques to ensue that drama erupts much like the angry honey bees in the famous Winnie the Pooh scene

You- “I’m texting Alvin right now to find out if he’s privy to the details of Simon and Theodore’s peanut smuggling operation that we didn’t get a cut in.”

You- “Well, Jenny Piccolo saw him making eyes at Potsies step-sister at Arnold’s.”

You- “I never liked your asshole mom, sister, boyfriend anyway.” <– This one will blow up in your face every. single. time. when the parties reconcile.

How can anyone be this level of dumb?

You- “Let’s shoot her kids cat and leave it in a pot on the stove like in Fatal Attraction.”

Just no.

Poor kitty has enough problems.

Plus, no picking on animals ever.

What is wrong with you people anyway?

You- “Do you want me to call Chatty Chelsea’s cousin, Know-it-all Nicole and try to extract information?”

You-“My mom works with her Uncle Max at Mission Control and there was this one time he heard the mailbox say this…”

You- “Bring it. This girl’s got PMS. I need to cut a bitch”

These are all examples of FUELING the drama.

Just super-glue your ass to the bleachers and be a spectator for fucks sake.

Also, zip your lips if you’re a person who happens to naturally breathe fire… or unnecessary bullshit.

The world certainly doesn’t need this kind of vindictive chaos. Our planet is already fucked up enough.

*If you are guilty of being a generous provider of drama fuel, you’re undoubtedly a Drama Queen yourself and should promptly cut that shit out, because quite frankly, it hurts my brain and messes up the delicate balance of positive energy flowing throughout the universe.

Think about it. The other person is already in turmoil. Do you really think adding gasoline to the burning wreckage is going to be productive?

Fuck no.

Your friend needs balanced objective support, that’s not in the form of bashing, belittling or manipulating.

Lead by example. Be wise, calm and logical.

In the event that the particular situation is causing you or your friend undo anxiety, consider taking up kung fu, sword fighting or kickboxing.

I’d bet 30 minutes of any of those activities would burn off like an entire fun-sized Snickers bar. Plus, you’d get rid of toxic pent up energy.

However, if you continually chose to be the Oreo filling in the middle of others conflicts (that has absolutely nothing to do with you personally) then just maybe… you live for that shit.

You may not even know it, yet THERE it is.

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Behavior patterns are conclusive.

The person smack dab in the eye of every. single. conflict tornado is obviously the fixed instigator-monkey-in-the-middle and absolutely the common denominator… who’s not necessarily an unfortunate victim of circumstances.

Drama is everywhere.

Everyone is faced with it in some shape or form on any given, if not every single day.

You alone make the decision to either A. deflect it or B. nurture it.

Deflecting can best be exercised by both responding in a calm appropriate manner, and keeping it short and simple.

Responding immediately and passionately to each and every rant, whether be by text, fb message or voice mail, not only condones the wannabe royals behavior, but also validates it as justified and appropriate.

Let the inferno die down before someone gets burned.

Think.

Then respond.

If other peoples names continually edge their way into your conversations… you just may be a Drama Queen, the Angel of Bullshit and an absolute pain in societies ass.

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Be mindful of your actions.

Chill.

Think with your brain instead of responding to your emotions.

Don’t be a busy-body troll who’s hair stands up, much like Pinocchio’s nose- every single time they fabricate or exaggerate the truth.

Nobody wants to play with those badass colorful degenerates.

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Now, lets all join hands and take a deep cleansing breath.

The end.

Let the dramatic hate mail roll…

 

 

 

 

 

YOUR Easy Guide to YOUR and YOU’RE

Easy grammar – How to use YOU’RE and YOUR.

I’m absolutely not poking or pointing a fun finger at anyone, because I happen to know a lot of people could benefit from this very fun catchy lesson.

Plus, let’s face it, there are a lot of suckish teachers out there. When I was in elementary school I think the median age for a teacher was something like 102, so here’s your second chance to learn this shit for good.

If you happen to be fluent in Your-You’re already, this would be an opportune time to share this educational gem with your Facebook friends.

Ready?

YOU’RE means YOU ARE. The apostrophe replaces the A.

Example- YOU’RE (you are) a dumbass.

*I’m totally not talking to you because that would be rude,

YOU’RE (you are) never going to pass that test.

* Ditto. Rude. It’s merely an example.

YOUR – means possession. As in it belongs to you.

*Again. Rude. Not referring to your dumbassery.

Example- YOUR grades will be reflected on YOUR awesome report card.

Is that YOUR degree in English on YOUR wall?

Now get out there and use your newfound knowledge.

YOU’RE (you are) gonna knock ’em dead.

YOU’RE (you are) oh so very welcome.

PS- this is totally going on my LinkedIn profile under publications.

Hells yeah.

This is your diploma.

YOUR very own certificate of achievement because YOU’RE (you are) amazing!

Note- This post was a learning adventure intended in good fun.

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Thank you for continuing to follow this blog.  Life’s been 50 shades of bat shit crazy these days, so my posts have been kind of erratic.  I plan to be re-boarding the regular crazy train again very soon.

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

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How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

1. Brush your hair and use a deep conditioner.

2. Put on clothes.

Ok, seriously.

Here goes…

3. Don’t be trigger happy. Before you comment, READ the entire post.

4. Comprehend the post. That means let it really sink in until you understand what is being said. (I had to say that, as this post is intended for DUMMIES)

Does it ask a question? If the answer is YES, feel free to comment.

If the answer is NO, then nobody asked your opinion. Simon says, “Do not comment unless you have something positive or constructive to say.”

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WHEN it’s acceptable to give your opinion on the Internet-

1. When someone specifically asks for it. A written passage might read something like this- “What do you think?” “What would you do?” “Please tell us your opinion on this matter.”

Should you happen to stumble upon a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, know that it’s merely a recipe for readers to try if you choose to, and not an invitation to start a discussion on the potential ill effects of polyunsaturated fats found in semi-sweet chocolate morsels. This would RUIN a perfectly good cookie recipe post. (Keep your sour grapes to yourself)

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Do you see where this is going?

On a related note, Extreme Mom shares batshit crazy nontraditional child rearing tales as a means of creating parental comradery through HUMOR. It is absolutely NOT a serious open forum on parenting.

I REPEAT, this is NOT an open forum on parenting.

Did I mention this is NOT an open forum on parenting?

June Cleaver and Carol Brady do not moderate this blog.

There will be no discussion on the best potty training method, debate on how much TV you allow your child to watch or what the appropriate age is for a kid to have a cell phone. Quite frankly, I could care less if you duct tape a smart phone to your kids ear as he passes through the birth canal.

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For shits and giggles, let’s play a fun game of Simon Says as an exercise in reading comprehension and responding appropriately.

Ready?

1. Simon says, “What’s your name?”

Correct answer- “My name is… ”

Incorrect answer- “Everyone named Simon is an asshole.”

2. What’s your favorite color?

Correct answer- < nothing > Simon did NOT ask.

Incorrect answer- “My favorite color is RED but you typed this in black ink, so you suck. Black ink makes me unhappy and irritable. You have no regard for people who are color RED enthusiasts. You’re obviously a prejudice bigot.

3. Simon says, “Look up into the blue sky.”

Correct response- < tilt head back and LOOK UP >

Incorrect response- “I’m wearing yellow sunglasses, so my sky is green. Green is BETTER and you’re an ignorant slut.”

As a page moderator, I’m getting incredibly tired of troll invasions.

I can’t tell you not to be an Internet troll, but I can tell you that your rude off-subject troll comments are NOT welcome here.

I have a troll taser in my hip holster and I’m not afraid to use it.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

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*Note to other Facebook pages and blogs- you’re more than welcome to share this. Together we can defeat the trolls.

Don’t get me wrong, bloggers LOVE comments… as long as they are in sync with the theme of the post. We also love to hear your opinion. Although, starting a heated debate or attempting to put the author on trial is seriously frowned upon and you will be tasered.

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers