I’m in a snarky mood, so I felt compelled to spiff up an old rant post I had written on Facebook Statuses.
You’ve probably been guilty of posting one or two of these fb statuses yourself.
Everyone has… so loosen-the-hell-up and embrace a sarcastic giggle, you uptight troll.
PICK your own Facebook status-
*FML- Murphy’s Law was named after ME. My name is Murphy and my pitiful life sucks way worse than your life. Does toooooooooo!!!
*I’m pulling a knife out of my back, because clearly I walk around with a bulls eye on the back of my shirt and continue to supply the repeat offenders with sharp cutlery for stabbing.
*Here are ALL 3,000 photos of my family vacation including duplicates, duds and indistinguishable images. I don’t want you to miss a single moment! Also, I’m trying my best to clusterfluck up your newsfeed and annoy the hell out of you. You are welcome.
*My kid made the honor roll again, which somehow makes ME awsum, even tho I can’t spell awesome or though.
*Going to the gym…. I do this ONCE a month and I thought the fb world should know. You may now appropriately categorize me with health conscious buff people who are clearly superior to ordinary couch sloths, who don’t go to the gym… ONCE a month.
*This is your daily picture of ME. I’m wearing a different shirt. Duh. Please tell me I’m pretty.
*I lost 2 pounds on the lettuce and broth diet. Please validate my awesomeness with a LIKE, so I won’t be compelled to squirt ketchup on the dog and take a honking bite out of him.
Note- Quit smoking posts are EXEMPT…because I said so, that’s why. In my experience, they’re usually making a serious honest effort, as opposed to their dieting counterparts who are full of shit 99.9% of the time.
Admittingly, a good majority of my own blog posts start out with, “I hate it when I wake up and I’m fat.” These are what I call being-fat-sucks posts not to be confused in any way with I-care-enough-to-diet posts. Big difference.
Moving right along…
*This is ME in a bar with an alcoholic drink in my hand laughing and having fun. I am absolutely in no way experiencing mid-life crisis or soliciting attention.
*Cleaning up my friends list. Be very afraid. In fact, keep your fingers crossed and pray to God, Allah AND Morgan Freeman. It also wouldn’t hurt to send me a gift.
*I’m eating THIS. (and you’re not)
*I love my daughter/son/embryo/mom/dad/husband/wife/EVERYONE/pet worm/cousin’s box turtle/grandma’s parakeet.
*I hate cancer, enemas, root canals and when pianos fall on my head.
*Happy Birthday to my Fb friend who NEVER interacts with me. Ever. (Note- I see you logged in at the same time. The cat must have bitten your commenting finger) You would probably duck if you saw me in Walmart.
•NOTE- when I see my Fb friends in public, I usually bear hug them even if they can’t figure out who I am. This is SO much FUN. <–I really do this. If you’ve slipped through the cracks, I apologize. I either didn’t see you or didn’t recognize you. Kindly wear a name tag next time. I pretty much love everyone.
*I’m posting this grotesque pic of a mutilated dog, because I’m an animal lover who enjoys terrorizing your timeline with horrific unforgettable shit that’s certain to give you nightmares. Note to my Fb friends- STOP. This freaks me right-the-hell out and is the fastest way to get unfriended.
*I’m deactivating my fb account, because you insensitive trolls suck eggs and I’m totally NOT a drama queen. YOU’RE the drama queen. If 50 people LIKE this, I’ll reconsider.
*Repost THIS in 30 seconds or the trap door will be activated and you’ll be dumped directly into the fiery pits of hell. This includes but is not limited to photos of angels, money and Jesus holding bags of money with his arm around Bill Gates. I NEVER repost e-chain mail out of general principle. It’s actually not that bad down here in hell, y’all.
*This is me and if you didn’t notice, these are my bOObs… Proud and Peacock. Maybe, if I get one million LIKES, my self esteem will rise and I’ll put a shirt on. Maybe.
Please SHARE and maybe TOGETHER we can save Fb from certain damnation.
The Essence of Facebook…
Any Facebook relationship status that reads- complicated is a RED flag. Cut your losses and run like hell.
Pa-leeeeeeeeeese do not insult my intelligence with another diet you’re trying. AFTER pics or it didn’t happen.
Political debates on Facebook lead to NOWHERE except… unfriend, block, delete.
Just stop. The least you can do is photoshop the camera out of the photo. Tacky.
Let’s play… Is it karaoke or a suicide note? Not cool.
Because… you’re a Facebook Rock Star and everyone wants YOUR autograph.
In three, two, one…
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