‘Twas the first day of school and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring…
Not even a mouse?
But, not because ThatGoddamnedCat was diligently guarding his post.
ThatGoddamnedCat is never around when you actually need him, which is partially how he earned his fitting name ThatGoddamnedCat.
Not a creature was stirring, becauuuuse…
Stewart-the-stupid was camped out in the bottom of the family toaster gorging himself on bread crumbs and chocolate Pop tart sprinkles.
Why didn’t he just eat off the floor where there’s almost always a generous buffet containing three square meals?
My extreme theory is this- he must be a teenaged mouse, because everyone knows teenagers are know-it-alls who don’t listen to their elders, which in this case happens to be Mr. & Mrs. Little. (who, incidentally, are most likely still ALIVE, simply because they know enough to stay the-hell outta the toaster)
Unfortunately for their son Stewart-the-stupid, Diva #13 happened to be in the mood for TOAST on this particular dismal morning.
On a similar note, yet completely off on a tangent- one Easter morning, Diva #13 was in the mood for cinnamon buns and turned on the oven where the dumbass Easter Bunny had recently hidden her brothers Easter basket.
The dumbass bunny even saw her do it, but wasn’t caffeinated or conscious enough at the time to process, let alone react to the situation.
By conscious, I mean the dumbass bunny’s body was standing in the kitchen but her brain was still in REM sleep most likely having a Channing Tatum-dipped-in-chocolate-wearing-bunny-ears dream.
And, yes the bunny still hides my kids Easter baskets even though the eldest is 20, because it’s FUN for her, THAT’S why.
Anyway, back to this episode called… Of mice and hungry-girls-in-the-mood-for-toast-on-the-first-day-of-school.
Enter Diva #13.
“Mommmmmmmm!!!!! I think there’s a mouse behind the toaster… I heard a SQUEAK SQUEAK!!”
BEHIND the toaster would’ve been a semi-acceptable location for a mouse, says my half-asleep brain.
I grab my mom cape and fly into the kitchen where I immediately smell burn.
The electrical kinda burn.
I’ve put out at least one of every imaginable type of appliance fire, so my nose knows.
The example below was called the French fry incident of 2012.
“Pheeeew!!” says my brain assuming the dumb furry golf ball sized intruder gnawed through the cord that’s on the OUTSIDE of the toaster.
My mom vision diverts to the toaster.
It’s in the DOWN position and it’s still toasting away.
I quick unplug it with my Inspector Gadget mom arm and NOTHING scurries out.
I just KNOW.
Diva #13- Ohhhhh my God… Did I toast the mouse???!!!
Me- No No No!! (fibbing to spare her from certain emotional turmoil)
Enter #16- Oh my God… she toasted a mouse!!!! Noooo waaaay!!!!
Me- No, he just got… stuck (giving him the evil mom eye that says STFU and walk away. He knows that look)
The crisis has been averted temporarily.
Toaster unplugged… check.
My brain flashes back to- it’s the first day of school and we’re already going to miss the damned bus.
Bus missing happens to be the story of our life, minus today’s very acceptable excuse of having a fuzzy morning intruder stuck in our toasting appliance.
Quick run outside and take a few token first-day-of-school pics where hopefully nobody’s facial expression will look anything like the SCREAM guy.
I generously allow (Big Kahunna’s) #16 to drive my van to school for the first time, so my expression probably does resemble the SCREAM guy.
My nerves say so, anyway.
Diva #13 takes the bus.
Status- Two off to school ON TIME.
Life is good, right?
Now it’s time to deal with how-bad-is-the-carnage-in-the-toaster? situation.
Did I already say SHITTTTTTT!!!!!???
I know I have to, so I insert new batteries into my CSI wannabe flashlight (that’s actually just a regular flashlight owned by people who are me and usually love solving a good mystery, except for when it happens to involve crispy rodents) and examine the scene.
My conclusion- Stewart-the-stupid rodent…. in the far right toaster slot…. smooshed by up&down mechanism…. by Diva #13.
It would appear that the roasting occurred after Stewarts demise, therefore enhancing the dismal scene with aromatic extra crispy dumbass mouse, which by the way, ABSOLUTELY multiplies the ICK factor by like a gazillion.
The moral of the story- always check the toaster before you pull the trigger.
I’ve made you paranoid for life.
I’m sorry and you’re most welcome.
Ps- Just so you know my level of dedication, I spent 99 cents on an app to turn Channing into a chocolate dream bunny.
For driving stories involving Big Kahunna’s #16- click here…
For mouse stories involving ThatGoddamnedCat- click here…