It’s Mother’s Day… Dammit!

Because it’s THAT time of year again. Prepare for Mother’s Day Armageddon. You are not alone.

Extreme Mom

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As Supreme Ruler of the Kingdom, I hereby proclaim that Mother’s Day be celebrated the entire weekend this year… and forever.

It’s been a rough one, that’s why.

No way is one lousy day of cleaning up your own shit and being on excellent behavior gonna cut it, girls and boys.

Not this year, my precious offspring.

Extreme mom is going completely proactive this Mother’s Day to guarantee that it doesn’t SUCK.

You have been hereby enlisted… as a GIVER.

Therefore, specific TO DO lists will be distributed to each of my brood.

We’re gonna get it right this time.

Here we go.

Mother’s Day… Take 21!!

(The number is accurate. No. Shit.)

ACTION!!!

Here’s a preview of my short list of demands:

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*You will bathe the dogs with excellent smelling shampoo, then scrub the entire bathroom including the tub.

YES, this does need to be spelled out.

The powder…

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The Truth About Dogs and Chocolate Toxicity

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Silly dog… Hershey kisses are for mommy’s!

Everyone’s heard at some point that chocolate can be harmful to dogs.

*Quick note to God, Allah or whomever’s in charge of reincarnation – I do NOT, I repeat do NOT want to come back as a dog.

I’d rather live the short happy contented 30 day lifespan of a house fly than live a life without chocolate.

Since dogs and chocolate happen to be high on the short list of things I LOVE more than anything else on the planet, it’s inevitable that the two would eventually butt heads.

Shit happens.

Quite literally, in fact, especially when speaking of mishaps in doggie digestion.

This time the furry love-of-my-life helped himself to a full bag of Lindor chocolate truffles.

The GOOD NEWS- He’s undead and frisky.

Again.

I didn’t take him to the vet though because this isn’t exactly my first (2nd or 3rd…) rodeo, so I’m somewhat of a specialist in misbehaved canines with chocolate cravings and appropriate first aid.

I’m also passing the knowledge on to you because I’m generous AND I’d like to think I got my $160 worth out of the whole vet deal.

Listen up, human parents!

Below are FACTS about DOGS and CHOCOLATE toxicity.

Chocolate contains two substances that are toxic to dogs: theobromine and caffeine, referred to as methylxanthines.

Dogs metabolize these substances much slower than humans.

Both are central nervous system stimulants that can cause a dangerous increase in blood pressure, irregular heart rhythms and even death in our canine companions.

The two most important variables predisposing your dog to toxicity are the SIZE of dog (in weight) and TYPE of chocolate they gorged on.

For example, the milk chocolate found in your run-of-the-mill vending machine candy bars is significantly less concentrated than dark chocolate, semi-sweet chocolate baking chips, baking chocolate (Baker’s) and cocoa powder. In that order.

While it may be possible for a 100 pound Lab to devour an entire box of your kids soccer fundraising bars, throw it up on your new carpet, and go about his business, the same amount of chocolate consumed by a 4 pound Yorkie could very well be it’s last meal.

In 8th grade our big dumb yellow lab-mix ate an entire box of World’s Finest Chocolate bars I was selling for a class trip to New York City. He eventually puked it up and went about his business like nothing happened. My mother was not so quick to get over it. If I remember correctly, he was a very lucky dog to have survived that daredevil stunt. Those were the good ole days – when the mother WHO WASN’T ME was in charge of cleaning up pet accidents.

Concentration of THEOBROMINE and CAFFEINE varies significantly depending on the TYPE of chocolate as stated below –

*Milk chocolate (Hershey bar) 60mg/oz Theobromine and 6mg/oz Caffeine

*Semi-sweet chocolate chips or dark chocolate – approx. 130mg/oz Theobromine and 20mg/oz caffeine

*Bakers chocolate (the bitter stuff used almost exclusively for baking)- 393mg/oz Theobromine and 47mg/oz caffeine

*Dry Cocoa Powder – 737mg/oz Theobromine and 70mg/oz caffeine

Note – the above are approximated values configured using multiple resources.

Signs of chocolate toxicity are vomiting, diarrhea, bloating, restlessness (later signs) tremors and seizures that usually occur 6-12 hours after ingestion, and can be fatal if the chocolate thieving canine ingests approximately 100-150 milligrams of theobromine per kilogram of their body weight.

Again… the SIZE of your dog matters.

Helpful Links and references-

Chocolate Toxicity Calculator for Dogs – can provide you with a rough idea regarding the seriousness of your pooches binge. In the meantime, call your veterinarian immediately.

http://www.askavetquestion.com/chocolate_toxicity.php
Treatment-

http://m.wikihow.com/Treat-a-Dog-Who-Ate-Chocolate

ASPCA Poison 24 Hour Hotline – 888-426-4435

Petmd.com
Vspn.org Veterinary Support Personnel Network

Askavetquestion.com
Pass it on – Information is Power.

Ahhhh…. What an Awesome Bra!!!

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Finally…. The Extreme Mom Ahhh Bra review!!!

 

A big thank you to those responsible for enlightening my life by introducing me to this must-have life-changing undergarment.

It’s a win… a slam dunk, a grand slam, and a hole in one. It’s just plain awesome-sauce covered in chocolate sprinkles!

I rated this undergarment in two important categories – comfort first and appearance last.

A girls got to stand firm in her priorities.

For comfort, I gave this bra 500% (out of 100) which according to the new common core math makes perfect sense. It’s soft and shaped like a pre-teen training bra, and feels like a boys half t-shirt with wide straps and most importantly, no wires that dig into your bones.

It’s so comfortable you can sleep in it.

I speak the truth.

The Nobel Peace Prize goes to.. ??

Comfortable happy women is the definitely the first step to creating World Peace.

It’s a start anyway.

Appearance – Excellent boob coverage, although it’s definitely not the over-priced Wonder Bra or the Miraculous Bra by Victorias Secret that makes my B sized breasts appear boudaciously awesome. No free enhancements here, ladies. This is all about the Ahhhhhhhh…. the comfort level, which by the way happens to kick. ass!

Does it keep your boobs contained? Yes.

Does it conceal pointy nipples? Yes, indeed.

In fact, it keeps them neatly tucked away in a very gender-neutral kind of way…

*The flatsy patsy.

*The steam roller special.

The perfect gift for grandma, mom and teenaged girls. In fact, Farrah should’ve worn one under that red bathing suit back in the 70’s to prevent obvious eruption. Although, that would’ve been a definite buzz kill to sales.

In conclusion, the Ahhh Bra may not be the right bra for your Facebook profile picture, a night on the town, or for evading traffic tickets.

But, it’s all gooooooooood!

I’m practically half way to 100 and blissfully married for close to a quarter of a century, so perky boobs at the cost of comfort isn”t on my top 10 list of priorities.

The Ahhh Bra is a definite WIN for Team Estrogen.

Extreme Mom gives the Ahhh Bra an erect TWO titties up!

 

50 Shades of Too Much Information?

Propaganda for 50 Shades of Grey is everywhere. Not only are snippets flashing across the flat screens in our private living rooms, they’re popping up on covers of magazines at the doctors office, and on the radio as we drive our kids to school. The hype is practically inescapable.

The underlying message is sex and like it or not, this message has been let loose in society, where it’s being absorbed by incidental osmosis… most notably by the next generation.

I’m certainly not insinuating that sex is taboo and that we should not talk about it. Nor am I implying that the majority of young people understand or are even privy to the explicit details and inner workings of 50 Shades or the S & M culture, but I am, however, confident that the related hype supports the general message that – sex is all the rage… and kinky sex is even better.

It bothers me that it’s gone mainstream and its presence is inescapable.

Ready or not…

The $64,000 question is – will the naughty hype created by 50 Shades of Grey tempt young people to enter the sexual arena before they’re ready?

I respect the fact that S & M is a perfectly acceptable form of entertainment for adults. I get it – masses of hormonally overloaded mommies are embracing it as a new refreshing means of sexual escape.

This is absolutely not about anyones personal lifestyle. Quite frankly, I could care less if people choose to light themselves on fire and fornicate on a bed of rusty corkscrews.

The simple fact is – Children do not live in protective G rated bubbles.

The problem begins when adults have CONVERSATIONS in public places, and they do. Even if we’re careful with our spoken words, our tone of voice and body language emit strong messages. Children only need be present to absorb the message expressed by their friends moms and other grown-ups.

50 shades of sexual hype is spreading faster than a drop of food coloring in a glass of water.

Chill out Mama Bear, this is not about your parenting skills.

God only knows what Carol Brady did behind closed doors. For all we know she hung by her pasties from a trapeze when Mike shut the light out. Ones sexual escapades has nil to do with their parenting skills.

Nobody is insinuating that you are promoting 50 Shades openly or that you’d allow your child to read the book or watch the movie.

And lastly, nobody is condemning or judging the S & M lifestyle as a whole.

It seems to be the general consensus of most parents, that since they’ve had conversations with their children about sex, they’re reasonably confident that they’ll make the right decisions when the time comes.

This may be true.

Let’s at least admit that it can get pretty confusing when it’s obvious that mommy is head over heels over Mr. Grey.

Actions speak louder than words.

Parental guidance is without a doubt the best protection. However, just like discussions on underage drinking, smoking and drugs, the outcome can more-often-than-not be a crap shoot.

No technique is flawless, so I wouldn’t be so fast to boast that your stellar parenting skills are armour enough to protect your children from making bad choices. Keep an open mind.

Dangle a sweet sexual Snicker bar in front of a child, reiterate that it’s not appropriate for them and what’s likely to happen?

They may or may not.

Jury’s out.

I’m not assigning blame to 50 Shades enthusiasts.

I’m merely speculating that when a society chooses to loosely toss around a concept like 50 Sexual Shades of Naughtiness, we’re destined to be faced with a generation that’s somewhat desensitized to sex. Not to mention, the fact that we’re inadvertently giving the thumbs up to engage in a new level of sexual exploration.

Some children are getting an earful before they’re ready, simply because 50 Shades is a thing. It’s out there.

Will this newest bundle of readily-available sexual information cause us as a whole to carelessly put the cart (50 Shades of fun) before the horse (fundamental sex education)?

This may certainly not be true for all children, but the possibility is real, and these poorly guided youth share space in the same society.

It’s not so much the effect this will have on my own children that concerns me, as it is the breakdown of yet another societal value.

How can we as parents begin to encourage abstinence, safe sex, and the fundamentals of a healthy relationships when our kids heads are being filled with propaganda that kinky sex games are all the rage?

It’s tough to compete with societal pressure.

To add assault to injury, young girls tend to be highly volatile emotional beings: heartbroken train wrecks in waiting.

Do we really want to go there?

Take a moment to ponder the potential emotional wrath associated with this new level of submissiveness and vulnerability.

Do I fault the author or film producers for creating 50 Shades? No.

I absolutely respect the fact that some people are awesome parents and it’s possible that 50 Shades of Hoopla will not effect their children.

It cannot be dismissed, however, that the seed of submissiveness and codependency, not to mention a new realm of intermediate sexual exploration has been planted in mainstream society.

Attitudes are infectious.

Peer pressure is powerful.

Are we encouraging a new progressive atmosphere in society where sex is no big deal?

When women raise eyebrows and chat nonchalantly about this latest fad on the sidelines of their kids soccer games, they are absolutely fueling the embers for the next sexual revolution.

It’s an attitude and it’s conspicuous.

It definitely leaves this mom unsettled.

On the flip side, it also paves way for necessary conversation.

I don’t pretend to have the answers to this particular dilemma. What I do know is that our society is becoming more and more complacent about sex in general and that’s something to think about.

The question is – what role do you play in all this?

Food for thought.

A Mommy Bloggers Letter to her Children regarding 50 Shades
http://www.bonbonbreak.com/letter-children-fifty-shades-grey/?fb_comment_id=fbc_785013424910328_785164861561851_785164861561851

A message to parents from a child psychologist
http://www.miriamgrossmanmd.com/parent-survival-guide-to-fifty-shades-of-grey-how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-sadomasochism/

A message to young people from a child psychologist
http://www.miriamgrossmanmd.com/an-open-letter-to-young-people-about-fifty-shades-of-grey/

50 Quotes from 50 Shades… YOU decide
http://www.upworthy.com/6-real-quotes-from-fifty-shades-that-could-make-you-rethink-how-you-feel-about-it

 

Favorite Facebook Valentine’s Posts 2015

My friends tickled my funny bone yesterday with their Valentine’s posts, so I felt compelled to share the LAUGHTER with you by posting my favorites.

And the winners are...

Valentine’s Day reminder to hubby.

His reply – “Nothing says I love you like firearms.”

 

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 “Nothing says erotica like the Gettysburg Address scene.”

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Nuts about each other… ❤️

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Future cat lady?? 

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Pizza

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My friend Paul once sent me a Special Edition Peanut butter Kit Kat from the UK… I have a special place in my left ventricle for him. Pitter Padder… 

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I’m not sure what to do first – lick the melted chocolate or take a flaming shot.

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He’s single, ladies… 😉

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He loves her SO MUCH he let her be in his selfie!! True love. ❤️

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My friend Tom’s better half!

 

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I believe this is that pesky new common core math.

 

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I think I love you!!  

 

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PS – You guys are the BEST!!! 

XOXO

10 Situations – Where It’s Acceptable to Send your Honey Ooey-Gooey Valentine’s Wishes on Facebook

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*You’ve fallen and you can’t get up

*He or she is greater than 50 miles away

*You’re being held captive by Bigfoots in the Rocky Mountains where they just so happen to have a kick-ass wifi signal

*You’re suspicious that they’re engaging in extracurriculars and you need to urinate on the Internet to mark your territory

*A stealth bomber crashed through your living room and the love of your life is on the other side of the wreckage

*You’ve been deployed to Mars

*Every time you post on Facebook a Kit Kat bar and a $100 bill pops out of your laptop

*You have a comfy spot in front of the fireplace and you don’t feel like walking ALL the way down to the man cave.

*Christian Grey has you tethered to a telephone pole and you’re starting to feel guilty… or you’re freezing and you need him to bring you a jacket

*You’re a hopeless romantic who loves their partner and is compelled to SHOUT it from the rooftops (or in stores)… so you don’t puke unicorn glitter on yourself

“I’m singing… I’m in a store and I’m siiiiiiiiiiinging!!!!!

 

❤️ Many of my friends are in fact engaging in this bizarre ritual and for the record, I love those people dearly, but nonetheless they’re all DORKASAURUSES. ❤️

 

Do You Have Disappointed Valentine Syndrome?

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Married, coupled or single, we invite disappointment into our lives the moment we award the key to our happiness to another person. Yet, every Valentine’s Day masses of people rely on others to make their day special.

Big mistake, not only on February 14th, but for the rest of the year as well.

Happiness does not present itself on your doorstep in the form of a heart shaped box, nor will it be discovered tucked amongst a dozen red roses. It can’t be gifted and should never be contingent on the actions and/or affections of others.

Holding onto the notion that one day you’ll be swept off your feet by a knight in shining armor is not only naive, it’s about as probable as being abducted by a Bigfoot.

These spectacularly scripted love scenes mostly only exist in Nicholas Spark novels, on the Hallmark channel and cheesy soap operas.

The deceptive seed responsible for unrealistic romantic expectations is planted early on in children’s happily-ever-after fairy tales, then packaged and distributed to polite conforming society by profit driven retailers.

Expecting to bathe in champagne and rose pedals every Valentine’s Day is like expecting the romantic honeymoon phase of a relationship to last forever. It’s unrealistic, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing… It’s just life.

The honeymoon phase of a relationship is similar to that once-in-a-lifetime dream trip spent drifting the majestic waterways of Venice Italy in a gondola or an exotic island vacation spent surrounded by glistening turquoise waters – blissful and exciting, albeit short lived. Excitement that shoots straight up and rings the bell when struck with a mallet, then POOF, it morphs back into something ordinary, leaving many hopeless romantics disenchanted.

The fact is, you can’t pre-plan or schedule moments where emotional fireworks spontaneously explode in bright brilliant hues of scarlet and fuzzy pink confetti rains from the heavens.

Spontaneous moments are just that… unplanned and unexpected. While these blissfully awesome moments often blow the top off of everything wonderful, be mindful that this is a gift and not something that is necessarily owed to us.

It is up to us to proclaim February 14th as our very own special day to celebrate the loves of our lives; our children, family, pets, friends, acquaintances or simply a day to engage in random acts of kindness at home, at work or in the community.

The authentic warm satisfyingly fuzzy feeling you get from giving, far surpasses the random scraps of affection you feel are owed to you by others. Spouse and/or significant other and family included. You can’t rely on other people for your own happiness. Ever.

Valentine’s Day is probably the biggest kill-joy of all preconceived expectations. Everyone seems to have an ideal picture in their mind of how “it’s supposed to be.” The problem is that the scenario is in your mind and other people don’t have the script, and even if they did, it doesn’t mean they’d meet your expectations.

Be proactive – make an effort to become involved in a charity or cause that you’re passionate about. Giving unconditionally awards us control of our own mindset and is undoubtedly the most noble and satisfying course of action.

Understand that the intention is to give and not necessarily receive praise – as many recipients may not acknowledge your gracious efforts, and that’s okay. When you make giving about you, you nullify the unconditional factor. Give because it feels good.

Switch up this day or the rest of your life, grab the heart-shaped key and celebrate Valentine’s Day on your own loving terms.