1. Love is not exclusive to romantic couples. Love can include family, friends, animal companions, passions for humanity and causes in general. Loving is a selfless act that does not require an invite. Valentines Day, on the other hand, is often viewed by many as a couples only occasion.
2. Love is a purposeful lifetime commitment; a virtue. Valentines Day is more like the eagerly anticipated celebration you have in kindergarten where you gorge on candy hearts and sugary cupcakes. A short-lived sugar high.
3. Love is the silent acts of kindness exchanged by two or more people that’s not necessarily romantic in nature. Valentine’s Day often resembles a poker game where your hand is a surprise and your expectations are not necessarily in sync with reality. In the end you could end up winning big or leaving with even less than you started with. Love is more of a constant.
4. Love is not synonymous with a couples short lived honey moon phase; on Valentines Day many people expect to recreate a fireworks display so grand, the sky explodes on cue and blissfully rains rose pedals. Expecting or attempting to orchestrate any spontaneous event just because the calendar says so, is a long shot.
5. Loving blends with our every day lives and becomes an effortless endeavor. For some, Valentines Day can be prickly sharp, especially if their significant other has expectations that are unrealistic and/or out of sync with their own.
6. Love is bittersweet. It definitely has its peaks and valleys. Valentine’s Day in all its sweet glory is intended to rival a life-sized gummy bear that’s been dipped in molasses and rolled in pixie stick dust. It can be too much.
7. Love is a beautiful heartfelt emotion that’s free to give and receive. Valentine’s Day is mostly about stuff… even if it’s a fancy dinner; it’s bought and paid for.
8. Love is not boastful nor does it seek public validation on Facebook or Instagram. Valentine’s Day and all it’s materialistic shiny loot are plastered predictably all over social media in an attempt to earn acknowledgement. Insecurity is boastful and needy.
9. Love just happens. Valentine’s Day is a pre-planned event on the calendar that our society is not only conditioned, but pressured into acknowledging.
10. Loving awards one a higher level of satisfaction not found in receiving alone. When you give love it feels warm and fuzzy. Valentines Day on the other hand predictably results in masses of people feeling unloved and lonely, simply because they weren’t pampered within their expectations or are currently lacking the romantic interest of another.
Being part of a couple is not the key to happiness; LOVING within the confines of your present life and social situation are.
•Wash your hands frequently, says Captain Obvious. Thisincludes but is not limited to before eating, after using the bathroom, after sneezing, coughing and/or picking blowing your nose. Practice this fun soap, water and friction exercise long enough to sing the Happy Birthday song all the way through. That’s right, sing it with me… HAAAPPPPY BIRTHHHH…. Use extra time for long fingernails and rings. DAAAAAAYY TO YOUUUUUUU!!!!
•Use hand sanitizer diligently – especially after contact with frequently fondled handled objects like door handles, railings, elevator buttons, gasoline nozzles, ATM keypads, e-pens used to sign for credit card purchases. Keep a travel size bottle of hand sanitizer in your purse, pocket, car, your child’s lunch box and/or backpack.
•Keep your hands away from your face – especially your eyes, nose and mouth. Sick germs most often sneak into the body through these 3 easy-to-access portals. Most people infect themselves. This is a biggie. Always be mindful of your hands.
•Stay out of crowded places – Think about it; hundreds of people walk through commonly traveled places like Starbucks or convenience stores daily – coughing, sneezing and touching. Most public places are flu farms. It’s simple statistics…. The more people you’re exposed to, the more likely you are to contract the flu. Stay home.
•Stay home and keep your children home when they’re sick. Your personal quest for perfect attendance effects everyone. Working 8 hours with bronchitis does not qualify you for super dedicated employee status, it makes you inconsiderate. Keep your germs to yourself.
•Stay hydrated – Drink at least 64 oz/day of non-caffeinated, nonalcoholic beverages. The dry dehydrated state that throws your bodies essential electrolytes out of whack, also makes you a more susceptible host to the latest community shared illness. Get your drink on.
•Get enough rest – Step away from the computer, log out of Trivia Crack and hit the hay. Go to bed at a decent hour, nap when you can, sit down and take deep relaxing breaths every chance you get. Stress invites illness.
•Slow down – Just say no. Don’t over-schedule your life. Cut back on commitments or enlist help. Your kid doesn’t have to attend every single birthday party, Brownie meeting, ballet class or sporting event. If you’re feeling run down, modify their schedule or enlist help.
•Eat right. If you admittedly have a poor dietary practices take a multivitamin daily. Additional supplements such as vitamin c, zinc and echinacea are also thought to help build immunity.
•Cut back or quit smoking – Every cigarette counts. Smoking has been proven to lower your bodies resistance to illness. Tobacco smoke has chemicals and particles that irritate airways and lungs making them more susceptible to assault, injury and illness.
•Get a Flu Vaccination – Many people have strong opinions regarding the flu vaccine. Fact -The Flu vaccine cannot give you the flu. It is also highly recommended for children, the elderly, and those who are immunocompromised or have chronic health conditions like asthma or COPD. If you’re a healthy adult, it’s your prerogative whether or not to receive the vaccine.
Yes… you can claim a happier and healthier you in 2015!
No willpower required.
Honest.
Follow these ten extremely easy steps –
1. Laugh. Find the funny in life’s toughest moments. Inappropriate humor is better than no humor, and it almost always trumps stress and aggravation. You can rant, internalize, suppress, cry or choose to giggle it off.
2. Eliminate as many chemicals from your diet as possible. If you can’t pronounce it, don’t put it in your mouth. Try to consume food that comes from the Earth and isn’t created in Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory. Eliminate soda and/or anything with so many preservatives it remains exactly the same after one month.
3. Walk and move your body more. You don’t have to commit to Crossfit or join Richard Simmons big girl harem, just move more than you did yesterday. Park your car a little further from the store or take the stairs.
4. Drink more water. It’s the only pure form of hydration. If a drink contains artificial sweeteners or caffeine, it’s likely causing more harm than good. My approach to a happy medium is drinking my coffee with REAL sugar, then drinking more plain water throughout the day. Baby steps are positive steps in the right direction.
5. Radiate positivity. Deliberately squelch all thoughts of jealousy, envy, anger, injustice – as they are catalysts to toxic energy that will inevitably cause stress, leading to illness and overall unhappiness. Fight bad thoughts off with a pointy stick or pirate sword.
6. Breathe deeply. Take deliberate cleansing breaths every single day. This activity has been proven to lower heart rate and blood pressure. Plus, you may feel better simply by cooling your jets.
7. Read. Anything. It’s brain candy. An engaged brain is a healthy brain.
8. Don’t compare yourself to others. Comparison is the biggest thief of JOY and the largest hurdle in reaching personal fulfillment. Know that someone will always one up you, and that’s okay. Focus on your own awesomeness.
9. Love unconditionally. Don’tbe judgy. Everyone messes up sooner or later and everyone deserves a second chance. Offer support instead of judgement – it feels better.
10. Never underestimate the power of a good nights sleep or a 10 minute nap. Things are almost always more manageable when you’re freshly rested.
*Limit the selfies. If you look exactly the same as your last selfie (yesterday) with the exception of hair #eleventy-six-hundred being moved 2cm to the left, please restrain yourself. You’re the only one who enjoys seeing your new-selfie-of-the-day, so why not just text it to yourself or use it as your personal screen saver or wallpaper. Don’t drag the rest of us into your quest to find your missing self esteem. If you need Facebook LIKES to feel good about yourself, it’s plain and simple… you’re fucked. And, I’m sorry that I had to be the one to tell you.
*Stop posting horrible shit that gives people like me nightmares. This includes but is not limited to photos of torture, animal cruelty, sensationalized fatalities, and accidents. I don’t want to see footage of people getting eaten by Amazon spiders or bursting into flames. This stuff cannot be unseen. Cut that shit out or I will pull the lever to my trap door and drop your sorry ass into the Land of Un-freaking-friended. So, THINK before you press share. Is this REALLY something you want to share with the class or is it possible that you’re just a fucked up deviant psycho who’s in a class (that should be a padded room) all by yourself?
*Post more dog and cat photos. Pets are considerably more like-able than their human counterparts. Pets don’t suck – at least not on purpose. If they suck, it’s 100% likely that it’s their humans fault anyway. Pet photos make me extremely HAPPY.
*Ditto for baby photos. I require frequent baby fixes. Mini-humans make me sqeeeeeeal with DELIGHT. Babies are perfect humans because they act predominantly on instincts and don’t know how to be selfish assholes yet. Babies are the most genuinely authentic beings on the planet. Babies rock.
I’m going to close with the above four potential resolutions, because I believe in quality over quantity. Plus, the first one is bound to result in an entirely new charter of Gina haters.
It’s all good though, because somebody has to say the important things that need to be said.
Happy New Year!!!
I look forward to hoards of photos of your baby kittens who aren’t tortured, dead or on fire and don’t contain twenty-hundred selfies of you posing in the mirror where you forgot to crop the tacky phone out of the photo.
*Replace his limbs with juicy hotdogs and gift him to your hungry dog or pet cheetah
*Wind him around a cardboard roll to use as emergency toilet paper
*Roll him in Cheese Whiz and strategically place in rat trap to guarantee… “not a creature is stirring.”
*Install creepy light-up eyeballs that activate when your naughty kid gets out of bed at night – *submit this to America’s Funniest Videos for a chance to win $10,000 to cover your childs future therapy bill
*Wrap him around a plunger and unclog the toilet of festive holiday leavings
*Fill with sand and carefully position at the end of your driveway as a speed bump for cocky teenagers and unwelcome solicitors. *spikes optional*
*Fill his head with bacon grease and explode it in the microwave for a science fair project, totally winning the science fair
*Replace his hands with tongs to help remove the extra-parts–that-don’t-belong-there-in-the-first-place out of the holiday turkeys caboose
*Fill his legs with catnip and film the best YouTube video EVER- starring your cat
*Lube him up and use as a holiday-themed tampon for heavy flow days
*Fill him with fire ants and gift to your favorite coworker, relative, ex-boyfriend or boss
*Use as canine pleasurecompanion for when your dog gets humpy
*Give him a stylish steel wool afro and use his sorry noggin to scrub the green stuff out of the fridge
*Put your hand up his butt like a puppet – to keep it from freezing when brushing the snow off your car
*Soak him in lighter fluid to use as festive fireplace kindling and/or roast his vodka-soaked nuts on an open fire
*Make him into an ugly sweater for your litter box scooper
*Replace his insides with elastic and use to sling-shot frozen monkey poop at people who hold up the line at the DMV
*Use him to put out small fires, like the next time your kids blow up the toaster oven
*Use his extra long legs as ties to hold your kids barf bag around his neck during flu season
*Replace his stuffing with pennies and use them to pay for your next Taco Bell order
*Use as an absorbent mop head to soak up toxic spills… like the explosive aftermath almost always created when well-meaning relatives sneak your dog table scraps
*Replace his head with a clove of garlic and fasten him to the front of your straight jacket to keep vampires and crazy relatives away. Eat his head in an emergency
*Use to clean up the bloodymess when your 15 year old with ADD gets her period
*Place a bulb syringe in his hat and use him to suck the sticky boogers out of your uncooperative toddlers nose
*Fasten to your car bumper to cushion the blow for poorly located deer and pedestrians, thereby sparring Rudolph’s life and potentially saving Christmas
*Use as an incontinence liner for grandma, so when she gets run over in the annual reindeer stampede… she won’t lose her sh*t
Newsflash- The Internet is a pretty ginormous social platform that’s not by-invitation-only.
It is not YOUR personal living room where you can screen and confine visitors to your very own social clones -bearing similar beliefs, ideas and values.
Like it or not, there are infinite perspectives on just about everything. It’s called diversity and it runs rampant in our world.
I find it extremely pompous when people make an extended effort to comment on content they stumbled upon while browsing a public platform, because they deemed it to be personally offensive and I’m not talking about news sites and current events. The latter two are known mine fields of volatile opinion.
Sure, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but if the writing in question happens to appear on, for example, a humor-based, variety or entertainment page, it should be perceived as exactly that. It’s highly doubtful the author intentionally penned something funny in an effort to incite a religious or political debate.
It’s like stopping at the butcher shop to debate vegetarianism.
You’re unwelcome. Keep scrolling.
I cannot imagine mustering up and expending any amount of negative energy debating something that was not personally addressed to me.
Sure, many people are passionate about a certain causes and I am not referring to them. I am referring to the busy-body web commenters who creep the Internet looking for something to get defensive about.
Trouble seeking trolls with an agenda… highjacking public posts.
Perhaps it creates an avenue by which despondant Internet dwellers are able to project deep seeded personal unhappiness or insecurities onto random strangers-that-weren’t-addressing-them-in-the-first-place. A means of letting the negative energy out of their mood balloon before it spontaneously combusts. In that particular sense it can be an effective coping mechanism, although dragging the public into your own personal misery bubble is just plain wrong.
In the big scheme of things one person’s opposition rarely has any changing effect on the author or target readers. The end product is simply the unnecessary polluting of public air space with negative energy.
The Internet’s a ginormous place and while it’s true that any sites readership is likely composed of a diverse group of people, in the end it’s the publisher who has the final decision whether or not to run an article – usually based on its anticipated appeal to the majority of it’s audience. Publishers aim to retain readers. Oftentimes web pages also touch on controversial topics in an effort to engage readers in healthy objective debate. I assure you, sponsored sites are not deliberately trying to offend you.
Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity for you to practice an exercise in personal open-mindedness.
Not everything on the Internet is intended to appeal to everyone.
When skimming an article I deem ridiculous or over-the-top, I usually let out an amused chuckle or belly laugh, do an exaggerated eye roll, and immediately close it. Adio’s dumbasses!
I choose to remain sarcastically entertained, which is immensely healthier than morphing into a vicious Internet troll bearing-fangs-and-claws and looking for a bar fight.
The biggest most explosive mine field on the web can be found in the comments of any mainstream discussion on politics, religion and race, as these subjectstend to attract the most narrow-minded loud-mouth extremists on the planet.
Fact.This group of people almost always has a personal agenda.
However… life is all about compromise.
Most things are not inherently black or white, but fall somewhere within the spectrum of fifty-kazillion shades of grey. Anyone solidly planted at either pole is at risk for becoming a close-minded extremist.
Although, every case has exceptions. Remember, we’re practicing open-mindedness.
Much wisdom can be gained in simply pondering other people’s opinions.
Think about it… even if you disagree. An open mind is an ever-expansive mind.
Only close-minded jackasses are quick to comment, because they’ve inadvertently snapped their minds shut, much like a heavy steel trap. They choose to remain self-justified and righteous even when there’s the slightest possibility that they may be wrong.
The wise grasshopper ponders EVERYTHING… which is exactly how he got to be the wise grasshopper in the first place.
Take a moment to think before you comment.
PS – This is not my first Troll Rodeo. I’ve had a lot to say about Trolls in the past.
In my humble mom-opinion, the Birdzilla holiday is definitely the King pin of all holiday clusterflucks.
It all starts with the grocery store clusterfluck. I’m referring to the mass of non-regular customers leisurely strolling the aisles with the entire maternal side of their family in tow. Shopping is for active participants only. Spectators are not welcome in the arena… they have no purpose other than to create a clusterfluck in aisle three.
On the other end of the spectrum is the daddy-deer-in-headlights; the lost looking male sent to the front lines to retrieve forgotten items. These guys are like a stubborn hair clog in the bathroom sink… they won’t budge. We’ll call them solitary clusterflucks.
*Note – During non-holiday shopping trips I have compassion for these pitiful creatures, but unfortunately, it’s the holiday season and the only rule of shopping during the holidays is get in and get out… like your life depends on it.
You encounter the extra person clusterfluck as soon as you enter the check–out area which is not so surprisingly bustling with extra bodies much like pesky ants at a picnic. How many people does it take to swipe a debit card? The answer is ONE, meaning all inactive shopping companions should do like a banana tree and LEAVE!
Finally having completed your shopping mission, you push the heavy overflowing shopping cart with-the-bad-wheel to the outermost border of the parking lot where you were forced to retreat. This is appropriately termed the parking-in-BFE clusterfuck. This sucks because you’re a regular customer who’s earned their VIP parking spot.
Also, the more traffic flowing through the parking lot, the more likely some inattentive holiday jackass-in-a-box will pop out in front of your car and end up as a hood ornament. Live hood ornaments are right up there with Rudolph’s antlers tacked to your mirror and/or Santa’s testicles dangling from your muffler.
This is called the tacky car accessories clusterfluck.
Finally, you slide into home base, but when you attempt to unload your gargantuan grocery order, there’s nowhere to put anything because of the kitchen-counter clusterfluck and the refrigeratorclusterfluck.
You saw that one coming, didn’t you?
When food prep commences, the overflowing dirty-dishes clusterfluck is immediately created and will regenerate for another 48-72 hours, making it the biggest clusterfluck of all. I despise washing dishes. I’m a huge fan of serving left-overs on paper plates, which incidentally causes a trash can clusterfluck, but what are you gonna do?
We’re picking our battles here.
Other painful holiday clusterflucks include the obvious dinner table fiasco, where you attempt to squeeze 15 people around an 8 seater table. “No fair… I want to sit near Suzy Lou Hoo!” This is called the intimate-encounter clusterfluck and also the reason I bought the big bottle of vodka.
Then there’s the dreaded people-who-don’t-belong-in-the-kitchen clusterfluck, which is why I leave a bag of unpeeled potatoes on the table. Everyone knows as soon as guests arrive, they immediately invade your sanctuary and try to be helpful.
“Grab a potato peeler. We’ve got a clusterfluck and a half of potatoes to peel,” says me.
To clear up any confusion, the tryptophan found in turkey not only makes you sleepy, it can give you a strong urge to dive off the roof of Macy’s during the Thanksgiving Day parade – right into Underdog’s inflatable ass, which would be affectionately termed the contipated balloon character clusterfluck.
And no, you will not catch me out and about on Black Friday. That’s an entirely separate clusterfluck in itself, worthy of it’s very own holiday book-of-rants.
Stick a spork in me.
This pilgrim is done… at least until the Christmas-time clusterfluck begins.
Click on the link below to receive updates on a fabulously fun mom-authored holiday book due out in 2015 – written by myself and my mommy comrades!
Good Eeeeevening and welcome to the Extreme House of Horrors… otherwise known as Moms Tunnel of Everyday Terror.
If you suffer from anxiety, OCD, panic attacks or PTSD, this exhibit is not for you.
You’ve been warned.
This Halloween themed attraction is FRIGHTENING in caps simply because it’s the realdeal.
None of the featured subjects have been staged.
This is my actual home.
I shit you not.
Fortunately, it took a few years to compile this unique chilling collection. The following is not a complete depiction of scary activity found in the Extreme House of Horrors, these are simply the highlights.
Ready?
Extreme Cousin It will be your tour guide!
Enter my offsprings bedroom where we discover a once healthy and refreshing glass of apple juice that was taken over by sinister fuzzy green goblins while the family slept. Nobody knows where they came from.
Fortunately, Ghostbuster mom was able to defeat the fuzzy green goblins with bleach. Ghostbuster Mamacita kicks ass.
Here we have the Blob Monster. He started out as a nutritious glass of vitamin D fortified milk. Nobody knows how he managed to penetrate security and slither into this unsuspecting glass.
Next up is this lovely plaster of Paris sculpture Wednesday is currently constructing for her 3D art class. We’re not sure whose heart she’s attempting to recreate, but we’ve all decided to be extra nice to her…. just in case.
If you didn’t notice, Wednesday is sculpting on my unprotected cherry finish dining room table with razor sharp tools, because… that’s how she rolls. It seems rather obvious that she accidentally consumed the apple juice from the above photo and fuzzy green goblins immediately ate her brain. It’s the only logical explanation. And, it’s also why I can’t have nice things.
Below is Wednesday dressed as herself for Halloween. She still has the headless doll, Marie Antoinette which used to be a lovely decorative Amish doll that-I-did-not-need-anyway.
In addition to sculpting, Wednesday enjoys wood carving on the living room coffee table.
These harmless fuzzy green visitors are frequent guests in our kitchen.
All I have to say is… What your family doesn’t know can’t hurt them.
Spaghetti… it’s what’s for dinner. It’s also evidence that I do sometimes use the stove.
I also hate doing dishes. I left these for Wednesday. Her other name is on the traffic cone because it’s her chore.
The kitchen isn’t always scary.
Sometimes we play games.
This is Tim, the winner from the Jenga game featured above.
This is also him.
Let’s get some fresh air and venture out to the back deck.
Nope, this is not a giant rat. This look-alike is actually a decaying banana. I can only assume that Pugsley aka Tim left it for the flying monkey’s who are due to fly overhead any minute now on their annual migratory trip to the Devil’s Triangle.
My children are dedicated ambassadors of wildlife preservation as well as fierce protectors of exotic creatures. They’re givers from way back.
Whooooopsy!!
Look out below.
ThatGodamnedCat apparently bagged another flying monkey. Mum is the word. We don’t want that testy green-faced bitch whose strung-out-on-MaxwellHouse to find out about it. She has an ug-ly temper.
It’s always seems to be something with ThatGoddamnedCat. He’s a murdering machine who obviously needs a new bell collar.
Meet our Extreme Pets
This scary guy has glowy eyes, but he’s actually pretty harmless. I heart him.
The brainless one… we’ll call him Spot.
Dumb with a capital D.
This asshole feline is the star of many of my posts. Most people know him as ThatGoddamnedCat.
Has anyone seen spot? It’s Eddies turn to brush him.
Sometimes, we play with pet fur for fun.
The following scary bedroom attraction is admittedly lame.
I’ll admit, waking to find a 3.5 pound femur in your bed covers is nothing compared to finding the entire bloody horse head. We’ll give this unwelcome body part an honorable mention.
Credit to Spot, the brainless family canine who can’t resist a delicious midnight snack.
Wednesday cuddling with her horse head.
Speaking of bed covers, It’s time to wash the horsy-femur-sheets.
The following is random stuff I found under my bed.
When Gomez speaks French I tend to get frisky…
or maybe I’m just a fun mom hoarder of unusual stuff .
Also tucked away in my extreme jewelry box…
I actually own this and yes I’ve worn it to work.
Bathrooms can be scary for many reasons.
This one is definitely possessed by twin demons called PMS, which incidentally stands for Pretty Mutherf*cking Scary.
I try to stay out of this room.
I recently painted the powder room a lovely shade of Exorcist Pea-Soup Green, because I crack myself up… or possibly I’m cracking up.
Same difference.
This genius color serves to camouflage any unholy venomous regurgitation spewed by the girls as they are primping for school.
You might be a witch if… you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle.
*Note to self – order firewood.
My Extreme family also enjoys painting with toothpaste and making arts and crafts in the bathroom. The toothpaste thing really happened. Quite frankly, I was too baffled to investigate and the perp got away scott free..
You have to choose your battles carefully.
*For the easy version of this tampon ghost, just draw the eyes with a Sharpie marker, because not everyone can be an admitted hoarder of useless craft supplies like myself.
No scary mansion is complete without spiders, snakes, bats and toads.
Here are a few photos of me and my favorite creatures.
No, I’m not afraid of exotic house guests.
Awesome hair clip I scored at the Dollar Store.
Despite her cozy accommodations in my aloe vera plant, Anastasia only stayed with us for a week.
Other disturbing and intriguing finds…
Pugsley’s glasses…
And another pair…
I bought this nifty violet-light-powered beauty mask because nobody over 40 should have both acne and wrinkles, but mostly because it’s a fantastic way to embarrass my kids.
Thank you for visiting the Extreme House of Horrors!
From the moment I brought my first two children home from the hospital, barely 12 months shy of one another… nobody slept. My Irish twins were jacked-up baby Energizer Bunnies in stereo.
*Irish twins- when the same woman produces multiple offspring in a 12 month period through separate pregnancies. This probably causes many women to take up recreational drinking later in life, so I’m pretty sure that’s where the Irish part comes from.
I gave birth to up-all-night babies who quickly grew into up-all-night toddlers who were about as difficult to settle in bed as a pair of adolescent spider monkey’s on crack. I kid you not, my bald tail-less monkey’s would not. stay. in. bed. And yes, I tried everything from warm soothing baths, calming music, and dreadfully mundane bedtime stories to… Benadryl.
Yes, I did.
Don’t go all judgy June Cleaver on me. I was exhaustipated with a capital E. Also, in my defense, as an RN I’d been advised by physicians on numerous occasions to administer this same medication to adult patients FOR SLEEP. I was working in pediatrics at the time, so it was easy to figure out the safe dosage. Unfortunately, medications can have the opposite effect on some people. Particularly, small noisy restless humans between 2 – 3 foot tall whose sole mission is to siphon adult energy. As Murphy’s Law would predict, Benadryl effected my toddler like a double shot of expresso laced with pixie stick powder.
As a result, I quickly came to terms with the reality that there was no magic bullet – NOTHING could guarantee to convert my hyperactive children into sleepy mode at sundown. Colassal bummer. In addition to holding the ever-taxing mom title, I had a full time job. I was so tired it hurt. More often than not, I’d simply give in to exhaustion and assume the vertical-cozy-position next to my bouncing balls of energy, which meant I was out for the entire night… in a bed intended for baby bear.
This moms episode of Sleepless in New York actually took place 18 years ago, before the explosion of social networking and subsequent 24/7 online moral support for Mommy’s-at-the-end-of-their-ropes. Quite frankly, I don’t know how I survived without the almighty Internet life line.
I just do not know.
I recently finished reading the new mom anthology, Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness, which is a funny and heartwarming collection of tales written by kindred sleep deprived mom goddesses. Rest assured, fellow mombies, the sleep-deprived state you’re experiencing is indeed a widespread and universal phenomenon that’s also temporary.
You’ve just got to love nocturnal children.
For me, it quickly became a nightly contest to see who would fall asleep first. Predictably, I was hardly ever victorious. To this day, the same image pops into my consciousness whenever bedtime shenanigans are mentioned. The infamous night I frantically woke to discover my two year old son was MIA, which meant he had escaped from his room and was most likely on a mischievous adventure. At the sight of his empty bed, I instinctually rushed into my daughters room, where thankfully, I discovered them both. She was nuzzled under the bed covers fast asleep and my Energizer Bunny Boy was perched on top of her sleeping figure with the entire contents of the toy box spilled onto her bed. Bizarre, but funny as Hell. He had the Fisher Price farm set up next to her head and was gleefully manipulating the animal figures up and down her arms, making barnyard noises. Moooooooo!!! Cock-a-doodle-doo!!! Apparently, he needed someone to play with and it didn’t matter to him if his playmate was interactive
For the official record, it’s not easy to portray a convincing bad-ass disciplinarian when you’re gasping and turning colors trying to stifle an impending laugh-out-loud-and-slap-your-thigh. Some things are just plain entertaining, especially when you’re exhausted.
The strategy I most often resorted to when attempting to wind down my hyperactive monkey-boy was to force him to lay on the couch and watch National Geographic, while I took care of whatever needed to be urgently attended to – like washing the families underwear, tossing the after-dinner wreckage into the dumpster or mopping up the lake left on the bathroom floor after evening baths. The drone hum of the NG narrators voice was enough to put a herd of elephants to sleep, although predictably, it hardly had any effect on my high strung monkey child who, incidentally, had been diagnosed with off-the-charts ADHD by the tender age of five. I can’t confirm that off-the-charts ADHD is an official diagnosis in the DSM, but I do hereby swear it came out of the psychiatrists mouth.
This particular memory came bouncing back into my consciousness like a baby grenade the moment I sunk my teeth into Motherhood May cause Drowsiness and began to read. I suspect it’s also very likely that I have a touch (or full blown) case of PTSD.
And on the glass-half-full-of-vodka kind of note – the ultimate pay-off for the struggle is that my eldest offspring are now 20 and 21 years old, meaning it’s almost their turn to join the up-all-night watch crew also known as team zombie… and I can hardly wait until they have kids.
Be sure to check out this heartfelt, painstaking and funny new mom anthology! It’s recommended reading for the Hot Mess Mom Club. Welcome!
I’m going to shimmy out on a flimsy unfashionable limb and state that I don’t believe suicide is necessarily a selfish act.
Think objectively for a moment.
Sure, some people have overcome depression, but we are not them. Even if we think we’ve been in the exact same situation, there is no accurate method of measuring this.
Fact- Depression is a spectrum disorder meaning people suffer in varying degrees. Some mildly and occasionally and others to the point of hospitalization where they’re completely dysfunctional.
I call it a bazillion shades of grey.
To speculate that your particular shade of grey is exactly the same hue as someone who unfortunately ended their life- is to make a huge assumption.
Depression does not look or feel the same to any two people.
It’s likely that the person who willfully choses to end their life has in fact reached an entirely differenthigher level of despair and/or was simply not equipped with adequate coping mechanisms.
There is no precise measure for inner turmoil.
There are however, many documented accounts from people who have come close to this point and went on record to universally declare that they saw no other way to end their intense suffering.
Their pain was that unbearable.
There are probably very few people who can actually identify with that particular level of complete disparity.
It’s safe to speculate that it’s entirely possible that any given suicide victim may have already ‘reached out’, trialed a variety of medications, and/or undergone consistent intense treatment, all while being supported by a loving family.
Every single incident is different. The variables can never be exactly the same.
What made a difference for the young woman suffering in silvery-slate grey may not necessarily put a dent in the symptoms of the older gentlemen afflicted by dark-charcoal grey.
Not every ailment is curable.
Absorb that.
Respect that.
Learn to recognize that many situations in life undoubtedly occur on a very wide spectrum in which there are variables present in a bazillion shades of grey.
***To claim to possess precise knowledge that can be effected and therefore changed by infinite variables… is to be recklessly ignorant.***
Based on the hodgepodge of public reactions to the recent passing of manic comedic-genius Robin Williams, it’s apparent at least to me that somewhere around the ball park of most of the population does not entirely understand the nature of depression.
This makes perfect sense, as it’s unlikely for a person to possess this bundle of wisdom if they’re not an expert in the field of psychology or haven’t been personally effected by it to some degree.
I make the above statement confidently, as I’ve wrestled the dark depressive demon my entire life — early childhood included. And no, there were no precipitating factors or events that contributed to it’s onset. Sometimes people are just born hard-wired a certain way. Genetics are funny like that. So, yes it’s relatively easy for me to weed through the hoards of comments and cite misconceptions.
Which, by the way is not at all intended to sound boastful – that particular tidbit of innate knowledge comes at a very high price.
This post is predominantly for clarification.
The generous gift that Robin Williams death bestows upon us is an attentive audience with a desperate thirst for answers.
Gracious, sir.
Not only are we talking about depression, we’re opening up to new information and for many of us, it’s become personal… it now has a face.
One thing is evident – Not everyone can or will be sparred, as depression knows no barriers and cannot necessarily be controlled.
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not always the presence of external factors such as access to medication, therapy and/or a strong support system that inadvertently makes or breaks a person.
Meaning, for some people the sheer magnitude of this disabling disease is enoughin itself to send it’s victims spiraling into the desolate dark caverns of despair to the point of no return.
If you’ve lost someone to depression it is absolutely not your fault.
Depression can be like a tornado that takes absolutely everything in it’s path, despite our most vigilant efforts to contain it, and can abruptly bubble to the surface without a moments warning.
I’m well aware that I’m thinking outside-the-box in relation to the mainstream train of thought when I speculate that traditional interventions like meds, family support and therapy are not always enough.
Unfortunately, for many people, even the most modern and innovative treatment available today is still not enough to dissolve or even lessen their suffering.
And no, I’m absolutely not discouraging people from reaching out or encouraging others to do the same, I’m simply stating the fact that it’s not always enough.
At this particular moment in time, the severe depressive disease state is far from curable.
Houston, we have a ginormous problem.
The intrinsic problem with depression is that it can pack a punch so crippling that it renders it’s victims completely dysfunctional and unable to perform necessary tasks in their daily lives.
It can shut you down.
Much like a deer caught in headlights.
Meaning, one can become so completely disabled that they are unable to initiate that vital conversation or merely pick up the phone and ask for help.
It’s a vicious unrelenting cycle of absolute dread.
An extremely heavy burden for any person to carry for an extended length of time.
People who suffer from depression are survivors. Every single day can feel like the equivalent of scaling Mt. Everest, because to them… it is.
Life can be an ongoing battle.
It’s also no surprise then to comprehend that many depressed and/or mentally ill people are noncompliant. They habitually skip medical appointments, therapy sessions and allow their medications run out, because they’ve reached their saturation point; the point of complete debilitation.
Oftentimes, they’re in turn released by their mental health providers – their onlylifeline – for the same infractions.
It’s the ironic nature of the beast.
Again, a vicious unrelenting cycle repeats itself
My opinion-
We as a society need to do so much more in terms of funding, research and rallying public support to get this ball-of-discovery rolling.
In the big scheme of things, our society has yet to make mental health a priority.
We’ve only begun to examine the tip this colossal iceberg.
Together, people can make a difference.
Increased media attention and public awareness can be potential game changers.
Rewind a decade or two when we knew very little about conditions like AIDS, Breast Cancer, Autism and ADHD in relation to what we know today.
It is high time the public put depression in the spotlight.
Robin Williams was an extremely intelligent man. He knew the nature of the beast and undoubtedly carefully weighed his every option. To speculate that he could have been saved by simply reaching out is an absolute insult to his genius.
Depression is just not that simple.
FAST FACTS and common MISCONCEPTIONS-
Depression is not a transient mood, reaction or a simple state of mind.
Sadness is the reaction to an event, depression is an entirely different animal.
**Depression has a chemical-neurological basis and is therefore a true medical illness or disease. **
A positive attitude will not necessarily cure depression. It’s an integral component to therapy, but certainly not a sure-fire fix for everyone.
**A person with diabetes does not have the mental resources to control or change their blood sugar levels any more than a depressed person can alter their gut-wrenching mindset through positive thinking. That particular mentality is ignorant.
Depression is a spectrum disorder, meaning it effects people to varying degrees. It is not necessarily the same or even similar for any two people. Some may only be slightly effected thus helped by simple treatment modalities, (therapy or meds alone) while others may require diligent daily medication management and inpatient therapy… and may still not be capable of lifting their head above water.
Depression is not mental weakness or a flaw in character.
Historically speaking, many or most of the worlds most well known creative geniuses – artists, authors, musicians etc suffered from depression or mental illness. These outstanding people did not march to the beat of societies common drummer simply because they were different.
The extra creative spark of genius may come at a very high price.
Depression is fifty-bazillion shade of grey… maybe more.
Please respect that.
***Disclaimer- the above was written in an honest attempt to promote inquisitive thinking and raise awareness — to foster understanding and bring light to a serious illness. To lift the weight of blame for those who’ve lost a loved one to this horrid disease. It’s my personal open, honest account… dotted with a few indisputable facts in my personal hue of cloudy grey. ***
Thank you for reading.
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