Alternate kick-ass uses for the creeper Elf on a Shelf

 

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*Replace his limbs with juicy hotdogs and gift him to your hungry dog or pet cheetah

 

*Wind him around a cardboard roll to use as emergency toilet paper

 

*Roll him in Cheese Whiz and strategically place in rat trap to guarantee… “not a creature is stirring.”

 

*Install creepy light-up eyeballs that activate when your naughty kid gets out of bed at night – *submit this to America’s Funniest Videos for a chance to win $10,000 to cover your childs future therapy bill

 

*Wrap him around a plunger and unclog the toilet of festive holiday leavings

 

*Fill with sand and carefully position at the end of your driveway as a speed bump for cocky teenagers and unwelcome solicitors. *spikes optional*

 

*Fill his head with bacon grease and explode it in the microwave for a science fair project, totally winning the science fair

 

*Replace his hands with tongs to help remove the extra-partsthat-don’t-belong-there-in-the-first-place out of the holiday turkeys caboose

 

*Fill his legs with catnip and film the best YouTube video EVER- starring your cat

 

*Lube him up and use as a holiday-themed tampon for heavy flow days

 

*Fill him with fire ants and gift to your favorite coworker, relative, ex-boyfriend or boss

 

*Use as canine pleasure companion for when your dog gets humpy

 

*Give him a stylish steel wool afro and use his sorry noggin to scrub the green stuff out of the fridge

 

*Put your hand up his butt like a puppet – to keep it from freezing when brushing the snow off your car

 

*Soak him in lighter fluid to use as festive fireplace kindling and/or roast his vodka-soaked nuts on an open fire

 

*Make him into an ugly sweater for your litter box scooper

 

*Replace his insides with elastic and use to sling-shot frozen monkey poop at people who hold up the line at the DMV

 

*Use him to put out small fires, like the next time your kids blow up the toaster oven

 

*Use his extra long legs as ties to hold your kids barf bag around his neck during flu season

 

*Replace his stuffing with pennies and use them to pay for your next Taco Bell order

 

*Use as an absorbent mop head to soak up toxic spills… like the explosive aftermath almost always created when well-meaning relatives sneak your dog table scraps

 

*Replace his head with a clove of garlic and fasten him to the front of your straight jacket to keep vampires and crazy relatives away. Eat his head in an emergency

 

*Use to clean up the bloody mess when your 15 year old with ADD gets her period

 

*Place a bulb syringe in his hat and use him to suck the sticky boogers out of your uncooperative toddlers nose

 

*Fasten to your car bumper to cushion the blow for poorly located deer and pedestrians, thereby sparring Rudolph’s life and potentially saving Christmas

 

*Use as an incontinence liner for grandma, so when she gets run over in the annual reindeer stampede… she won’t lose her sh*t

 

Read more Extreme Mom holiday stories here.

 

WAnt-NEed-LOve

Have you heard of WaNeLo?

It’s an Internet site where you share links to material goods that you WantNeed or Love.

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Get it?

The want –  need –  love thing??

WAnt NEed LOve ~ Wanelo.

There. I spelled it out because some people’s have sluggish brains.

My thoughts??

Awesome.

Not.

(Insert extremely sarcastic voice here)

Because, that’s exactly what this generation of spoiled rotten entitled children needs.

More fuel for the WANT furnace.

A means to easily bookmark every. single. one. of their worldly desires in a mere key stroke.

To ponder and wallow over… what they DON’T have.

Who’s dumb ass idea was this anyway?

My daughters list is up to like eleventy-katrillion or some ridiculous numeral that’s more than $10.

No.

Just no.

Screw you, Wanelo.

My motivation for this post was the obvious fact that my daughter is a Wanelo junkie.

I’ve had it up to HERE, so what do I do?

I hop on over to Wanelo to do a little research and open up my own profile, of course!

The plan was to playfully bookmark a few mom extravagances, so I can show her my wish list every time she tortures me with hers.

Misery loves company.

Only, something happened.

I didn’t entirely hate Wanelo like I was supposed to.

Shit. shit. shit.

In fact, it’s rather addicting… in a fabulous kind of way.

Here’s some kick ass stuff from my Wanelo folder I named, Essential Survival Stuff-

Of course it’s all for fun, because  fun is what life is all about… right?

 

Hamster ball for kids or me.

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Fortune cookie lounging chair—LOVE!

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Mermaid tail to splash around playfully and/or do laps in the pool or bathtub

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Empire State Building Scratching Post for TGC!!!

Cat-zilla!!!

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Sippy Cup for Serious Wine Drinkers

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The Worlds Most Accurate Clock.

Gina time!!

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Instagram TP Dispenser

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Human Sling-shot

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Toilet decals bearing very important messages.

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Clapper for Diva #14’s Drama Auditions

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In conclusion, my experiment totally back-fired and now I’m left with yet another playground on the interwebs in which to burn my precious time…

 

And, of course, pretend I’m a 12 year old trapped in an adults body.

 

Which in reality tends to be fabulously therapeutic and relaxing.

 

The end.

 

In the event that you also become addicted, my user name is @extrememomgina. Feel free to follow my outrageous wish list… for the fun of it.