Alternate kick-ass uses for the creeper Elf on a Shelf

 

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*Replace his limbs with juicy hotdogs and gift him to your hungry dog or pet cheetah

 

*Wind him around a cardboard roll to use as emergency toilet paper

 

*Roll him in Cheese Whiz and strategically place in rat trap to guarantee… “not a creature is stirring.”

 

*Install creepy light-up eyeballs that activate when your naughty kid gets out of bed at night – *submit this to America’s Funniest Videos for a chance to win $10,000 to cover your childs future therapy bill

 

*Wrap him around a plunger and unclog the toilet of festive holiday leavings

 

*Fill with sand and carefully position at the end of your driveway as a speed bump for cocky teenagers and unwelcome solicitors. *spikes optional*

 

*Fill his head with bacon grease and explode it in the microwave for a science fair project, totally winning the science fair

 

*Replace his hands with tongs to help remove the extra-partsthat-don’t-belong-there-in-the-first-place out of the holiday turkeys caboose

 

*Fill his legs with catnip and film the best YouTube video EVER- starring your cat

 

*Lube him up and use as a holiday-themed tampon for heavy flow days

 

*Fill him with fire ants and gift to your favorite coworker, relative, ex-boyfriend or boss

 

*Use as canine pleasure companion for when your dog gets humpy

 

*Give him a stylish steel wool afro and use his sorry noggin to scrub the green stuff out of the fridge

 

*Put your hand up his butt like a puppet – to keep it from freezing when brushing the snow off your car

 

*Soak him in lighter fluid to use as festive fireplace kindling and/or roast his vodka-soaked nuts on an open fire

 

*Make him into an ugly sweater for your litter box scooper

 

*Replace his insides with elastic and use to sling-shot frozen monkey poop at people who hold up the line at the DMV

 

*Use him to put out small fires, like the next time your kids blow up the toaster oven

 

*Use his extra long legs as ties to hold your kids barf bag around his neck during flu season

 

*Replace his stuffing with pennies and use them to pay for your next Taco Bell order

 

*Use as an absorbent mop head to soak up toxic spills… like the explosive aftermath almost always created when well-meaning relatives sneak your dog table scraps

 

*Replace his head with a clove of garlic and fasten him to the front of your straight jacket to keep vampires and crazy relatives away. Eat his head in an emergency

 

*Use to clean up the bloody mess when your 15 year old with ADD gets her period

 

*Place a bulb syringe in his hat and use him to suck the sticky boogers out of your uncooperative toddlers nose

 

*Fasten to your car bumper to cushion the blow for poorly located deer and pedestrians, thereby sparring Rudolph’s life and potentially saving Christmas

 

*Use as an incontinence liner for grandma, so when she gets run over in the annual reindeer stampede… she won’t lose her sh*t

 

Read more Extreme Mom holiday stories here.

 

La Chancla!!

This is a cultural sort of post.

Last night I found THIS hilarious photo on Pinterest that introduced me to the beautiful righteous term CHANCLA.

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I know, I live under a rock.

So, I cracked open the trusty Urban Dictionary.

According to Urban Dictionary- it’s a flip flop used by a Mexican female to beat their child or husband for doing something that angered her. *smirk-snort-giggle*

Probably something stupid.

Big surprise there.

WHOOP ASS, MAMACITA.

I also chuckled, because I absolutely despise selfies. Especially, the pitiful repeat offenders who post multiple pics of themselves every. single. day.

What in the hell is THAT about?

They look exactly the same as they did yesterday.

Quite frankly, I think these ladies need a great BIG bear hug… several times a day or more if possible.

Someone should start a bear hug service to quench their insatiable need for attention.

After all, the act of repeatedly promoting one’s physical image on a social network simply screams

“LOOK at me… Tell me I’m beautiful… Sext me…. I need ATTENTION…. Please LOVE me… Press LIKE if you think I’m perty… Validate my existence… These babies are a DD… Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t find my self worth… Blah blah blah… ”

I find it to be quite sad and embarrassing for those poor pitiful girls.

** ** ** **

Dear Selfie Addicts,

Please replace YOUR face with a kitten, puppy or baby.

I love those kinds of photos.

Also, message me your address, so I’ll know where to send your bear-hug-a-gram.

Love, EM

PS- feel better soon. (((HUGS)))

 

 

If I posted a daily selfie, it would look like one of those dehydrated sponge creatures that you buy at the Dollar Store, immerse in water and watch GROW.

*If you have not had the extreme pleasure of playing with these, you should definitely check them out for an awesomely fun squishy experience. Tip- put your creature in a 2 liter soda bottle for easier handling and viewing. You are most welcome!

It has not been a good year for me for weight maintenance.

Mostly, because food is awesome and I don’t care what my ass looks like. After all, it’s in back of me where I can’t see it. I also ignore the back of my hair for the very same reason.

I do, however, care about comfort and right now wearing clothes is downright painful.

I’ve kind of been parading around looking like a pissed off Incredible Hulk.

It ain’t pretty.

Just yesterday, I was forced to squeeze into spanx just to zip my stupid pants for a job interview.

I haven’t decided what my level of commitment on this particular issue is as of right now.

New job = $$ = new comfy clothes VERSUS get-off-my-fat-ass-and-put-down-the-pastries.

Decisions.

Getting back to the topic at hand- CHANCLA, I hope you enjoy this YouTube video that made me spit my coffee EVERYWHERE.

Enjoy.

Also, hats off to Latino women.

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Dumb Shit my Son Says… When I’m Teaching Him to Drive

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Dumb Shit my Son Says… When I’m teaching him to drive.

 

“Stop being a backseat driver.”
Umm.. wait.

 

It’s clearly spelled out in the responsible LICENSED adult manual.

 

Nag, nag and nag some more- from the FRONT seat where you’re within striking distance of the minion student.

 

And, don’t forget your jumbo fly swatter. (Dollar Tree $1)

 

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“I did too look.” (did not)

 

“Speed bumps are dumb.”

 

Yeah, maybe if you’re trying to thread a needle or balance a cauldron of meatballs on your head while driving??!!

 

“I knew I could make it.”

 

Knew= making ASSumptions and making ASSumptions= dead.

 

If you die I will kick your ass.

 

Yes, I will.

 

I’ll jump right through the portal to the spirit world and kick your ghostly ass.

 

Be very afraid.

 

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Mom’s are allowed EVERYWHERE including but not limited to the men’s room, locker room, school bus and afterlife.

 

“I’m only going the speed limit.”

 

There are times you should NOT go the speed limit, like say there’s three-legged kitten parade or senior citizen wheelchair race, a baby highway crawl-a-thon or just maybe THAT chicken is trying to cross the road.

 

WHY? Nobody actually cares why.

 

Get over that shit. Chickens are dumb. (and tasty)

 

That reference has outstayed it’s welcome, so please if you see that chicken crossing the road… run it down for Gods sake and end this charade once and for all.

 

Unless, of course, you’re an arrogant 16 year old with a learners permit.

 

Then your copilot mom gets to do it, as this will release some of her pent up tension and potentially save your life.

 

Win. Win.

 

We’re having chicken for dinner… again??

 

Let’s make something perfectly clear.

 

If you have a LEARNING permit to drive, assume you do NOT have the right of way.

 

Ever.

 

You’re a highway minion.

 

Strike that.

 

You’re a flea on a highway minions butt.

 

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Behave yourself.

 

You’re a danger to yourself and others.

 

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Plus, you frighten the rest of us.

 

Class dismissed.

 

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