Not a Creature was Stirring: Holiday Chronicles of ThatGoddamnedCat

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Twas an early Sunday morning, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The holiday decorations had been tossed aside-in-a-tizzy
In hopes that caffeine would kick-in and make-me-get-busy

The teenagers were unconscious, asleep in their beds
While visions of Xbox polluted their heads

With the pooch at my feet, I guzzled my Java
A feeble attempt, to deal with-the-days drama

When out in the hallway, arose an overexcited pup
So, I sprang from my chair, to see what was up

When what to my wondering eyes, did appear
But a motionless rodent – in asystole – I fear

My infamous cat, was so lively and quick
I knew in a moment, it was that-serial-killing prick

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Out leaped ThatGoddamnedCat, in a quick graceful bound

He was pure feline badass, from whisker to toe
With a rap sheet so long, it could be tied in a bow

His ears they were pointed, like the tips of a star
His vision acute, so he could stalk from afar

His instincts were primal, his senses were keen
His pounce when airborne, was… stealthy and clean

He mewed not a word, as he glared at his prize
Pride and contentment, gleamed in his eyes

Then he sprang to his feet, and bounded away
Like a satiated feline, who’d gifted us prey

But I knew he was thinking, as he leapt out of sight
Happy Christmas lowly humans…

I’m done for the night!

Read more stories from The Chronicles of ThatGoddamnedCat!

Meet Max aka ThatGoddamnedCat

Bobbing for Bunnies in the River Styx

Meet LuckyBastard my Chipmunk Friend

Here Birdie Birdie

Twas the First Day of School

← Back

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Alternate kick-ass uses for the creeper Elf on a Shelf

 

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*Replace his limbs with juicy hotdogs and gift him to your hungry dog or pet cheetah

 

*Wind him around a cardboard roll to use as emergency toilet paper

 

*Roll him in Cheese Whiz and strategically place in rat trap to guarantee… “not a creature is stirring.”

 

*Install creepy light-up eyeballs that activate when your naughty kid gets out of bed at night – *submit this to America’s Funniest Videos for a chance to win $10,000 to cover your childs future therapy bill

 

*Wrap him around a plunger and unclog the toilet of festive holiday leavings

 

*Fill with sand and carefully position at the end of your driveway as a speed bump for cocky teenagers and unwelcome solicitors. *spikes optional*

 

*Fill his head with bacon grease and explode it in the microwave for a science fair project, totally winning the science fair

 

*Replace his hands with tongs to help remove the extra-partsthat-don’t-belong-there-in-the-first-place out of the holiday turkeys caboose

 

*Fill his legs with catnip and film the best YouTube video EVER- starring your cat

 

*Lube him up and use as a holiday-themed tampon for heavy flow days

 

*Fill him with fire ants and gift to your favorite coworker, relative, ex-boyfriend or boss

 

*Use as canine pleasure companion for when your dog gets humpy

 

*Give him a stylish steel wool afro and use his sorry noggin to scrub the green stuff out of the fridge

 

*Put your hand up his butt like a puppet – to keep it from freezing when brushing the snow off your car

 

*Soak him in lighter fluid to use as festive fireplace kindling and/or roast his vodka-soaked nuts on an open fire

 

*Make him into an ugly sweater for your litter box scooper

 

*Replace his insides with elastic and use to sling-shot frozen monkey poop at people who hold up the line at the DMV

 

*Use him to put out small fires, like the next time your kids blow up the toaster oven

 

*Use his extra long legs as ties to hold your kids barf bag around his neck during flu season

 

*Replace his stuffing with pennies and use them to pay for your next Taco Bell order

 

*Use as an absorbent mop head to soak up toxic spills… like the explosive aftermath almost always created when well-meaning relatives sneak your dog table scraps

 

*Replace his head with a clove of garlic and fasten him to the front of your straight jacket to keep vampires and crazy relatives away. Eat his head in an emergency

 

*Use to clean up the bloody mess when your 15 year old with ADD gets her period

 

*Place a bulb syringe in his hat and use him to suck the sticky boogers out of your uncooperative toddlers nose

 

*Fasten to your car bumper to cushion the blow for poorly located deer and pedestrians, thereby sparring Rudolph’s life and potentially saving Christmas

 

*Use as an incontinence liner for grandma, so when she gets run over in the annual reindeer stampede… she won’t lose her sh*t

 

Read more Extreme Mom holiday stories here.

 

Dummies Guide to Web Commenting

Newsflash- The Internet is a pretty ginormous social platform that’s not by-invitation-only.

It is not YOUR personal living room where you can screen and confine visitors to your very own social clones -bearing similar beliefs, ideas and values.

Like it or not, there are infinite perspectives on just about everything. It’s called diversity and it runs rampant in our world.

I find it extremely pompous when people make an extended effort to comment on content they stumbled upon while browsing a public platform, because they deemed it to be personally offensive and I’m not talking about news sites and current events. The latter two are known mine fields of volatile opinion.

Sure, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but if the writing in question happens to appear on, for example, a humor-based, variety or entertainment page, it should be perceived as exactly that. It’s highly doubtful the author intentionally penned something funny in an effort to incite a religious or political debate.

It’s like stopping at the butcher shop to debate vegetarianism.

You’re unwelcome. Keep scrolling.

I cannot imagine mustering up and expending any amount of negative energy debating something that was not personally addressed to me.

Sure, many people are passionate about a certain causes and I am not referring to them. I am referring to the busy-body web commenters who creep the Internet looking for something to get defensive about.

Trouble seeking trolls with an agenda… highjacking public posts.

Perhaps it creates an avenue by which despondant Internet dwellers are able to project deep seeded personal unhappiness or insecurities onto random strangers-that-weren’t-addressing-them-in-the-first-place. A means of letting the negative energy out of their mood balloon before it spontaneously combusts. In that particular sense it can be an effective coping mechanism, although dragging the public into your own personal misery bubble is just plain wrong. 

In the big scheme of things one person’s opposition rarely has any changing effect on the author or target readers. The end product is simply the unnecessary polluting of public air space with negative energy.

The Internet’s a ginormous place and while it’s true that any sites readership is likely composed of a diverse group of people, in the end it’s the publisher who has the final decision whether or not to run an article – usually based on its anticipated appeal to the majority of it’s audience. Publishers aim to retain readers. Oftentimes web pages also touch on controversial topics in an effort to engage readers in healthy objective debate. I assure you, sponsored sites are not deliberately trying to offend you.

Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity for you to practice an exercise in personal open-mindedness.

Not everything on the Internet is intended to appeal to everyone.

When skimming an article I deem ridiculous or over-the-top, I usually let out an amused chuckle or belly laugh, do an exaggerated eye roll, and immediately close it. Adio’s dumbasses!

I choose to remain sarcastically entertained, which is immensely healthier than morphing into a vicious Internet troll bearing-fangs-and-claws and looking for a bar fight.

The biggest most explosive mine field on the web can be found in the comments of any mainstream discussion on politics, religion and race, as these subjects tend to attract the most narrow-minded loud-mouth extremists on the planet.

Fact. This group of people almost always has a personal agenda.

However… life is all about compromise.

Most things are not inherently black or white, but fall somewhere within the spectrum of fifty-kazillion shades of grey. Anyone solidly planted at either pole is at risk for becoming a close-minded extremist.

Although, every case has exceptions. Remember, we’re practicing open-mindedness.

Much wisdom can be gained in simply pondering other people’s opinions.

Think about it… even if you disagree. An open mind is an ever-expansive mind.

Only close-minded jackasses are quick to comment, because they’ve inadvertently snapped their minds shut, much like a heavy steel trap. They choose to remain self-justified and righteous even when there’s the slightest possibility that they may be wrong.

The wise grasshopper ponders EVERYTHING… which is exactly how he got to be the wise grasshopper in the first place.

Take a moment to think before you comment.

PS – This is not my first Troll Rodeo. I’ve had a lot to say about Trolls in the past.