Turkey Day ClusterfLuck

Posted in Holiday Bullsh*t by Extreme Mom

The Birdzilla holiday is the King pin of all holiday clusterflucks.

It all starts with the grocery store clusterfluck. I’m referring to the mass of non-regular customers leisurely strolling the aisles with the entire maternal side of their family in tow.

On the other end of the spectrum is the daddy-deer-in-headlights; the lost looking male sent to the front lines to retrieve forgotten items. These guys are like a stubborn hair clog in the bathroom sink. We’ll call them solitary clusterflucks. During non-holiday shopping trips I’d have compassion for them, but unfortunately, it’s the holiday season and the only rule of shopping during the holidays is get in and get out, like your life depends on it.

The clusterfluck commences in the check-out line which is bustling with extra bodies. How many people does it take to pay? The answer is ONE, meaning all inactive shopping companions should skedaddle.

With all your might, you finally push the katrillion calorie shopping cart with-the-bad-wheel to the outermost border of the parking lot where you were forced to retreat, which is called the parking-in-BFE clusterfluck.

Also, the more traffic in a parking lot, the more likely an inattentive holiday clown will step out in front of your car and end up as a hood ornament. Live hood ornaments are right up there with Rudolph’s antlers tacked to your mirror and/or Santa’s testicles dangling from your muffler.

This is also called the tacky hood ornament clusterfluck.

When you finally slide into home base and attempt to unload your groceries, there’s nowhere to put anything because of the kitchen-counter clusterfluck and the refrigerator clusterfluck.

As soon as you begin food prep, the overflowing dirty-dishes clusterfluck is immediately created and will regenerate for another 48-72 hours, making it the biggest clusterfluck of all. I despise washing dishes. I’m a huge fan of serving left-overs on paper plates, which incidentally causes a trash can clusterfluck, but what are you gonna do?

We’re picking our battles here.

Other painful holiday clusterflucks include the obvious dinner table fiasco, where you attempt to squeeze 15 people around an 8 seater table. “No fair… I want to sit near Suzy Lou Hoo!” This is called the intimate-encounter clusterfluck and also the reason I bought the big bottle of vodka.

Then there’s the dreaded people-who-don’t-belong-in-the-kitchen clusterfluck, which is why I leave a bag of unpeeled potatoes on the table. Everyone knows as soon as guests arrive, they immediately invade your sanctuary and try to be helpful.

“Grab a potato peeler. We’ve got a clusterfluck and a half of potatoes to peel,” says me.

To clear up any confusion, the tryptophan found in turkey not only makes you sleepy, it can give you the urge to dive off the roof of Macy’s during the Thanksgiving Day parade right into inflatable Underdog’s ass, which would be affectionately termed the contipated balloon character clusterfluck.

And no, you will not catch me out and about on Black Friday. That’s an entirely separate clusterfluck in itself.

Stick a spork in me.

This pilgrim is done.

27Nov2013

Maria Kang- Part 2… Oh NO, She Didn’t!!!

Posted in Special Needs and Sensitivity by Extreme Mom

I am angry. She did it again. Maria Kang that is, the fitness guru mom who posed hovering over her three young sons clad in short shorts and a sports bra, and captioned the photo WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

While the photo was most likely intended for her fitness conscious audience, it was posted publicly on her Facebook page and went over with the grace of an elephant in lead pointe shoes.

All hell broke lose in the media.

I personally thought it was a brassy move on her part and wrote kind of a spoof post about it here.

I got a lot of hate mail and responded here.

Now that you’re caught up, she’s back in the news, this time she was temporarily banned from Facebook for hate content.

Apparently, Mrs. Kang wasn’t supportive, open minded or caring in the statements she made in response to an article in the Daily Mail featuring proud plus-sized women in lingerie.

Maria Kang wrote “The popular and unrelenting support received to those who are borderline obese (not just 30-40lbs overweight) frustrates me as a fitness advocate who intimately understands how poor health negatively effects a family, a community and a nation,” Kang said.

“While I think it’s important to love and accept your body, I was a little peeved because I think that we’re normalizing obesity in our society,” Kang said.

Dear Maria Kang,

You are an insensitive cold-hearted bitch. I’m shocked that you have the audacity to make such a profoundly negative statement. It leads me to believe that you are in fact so narrow minded that you actually BELIEVE women choose to be obese, because they’re simply too lazy to exercise and eat right.

Do you seriously think that?

Perhaps your tunnel vision goes no further than the small demographic of healthy fit women you interact with at the gym.

Since I’ve been an RN for over 20 years, let me enlighten YOU as to what I’ve seen in this vast world of ours that’s a bazillion shades of grey.

Some women happen to have perfectly good EXCUSES, which by the way is a bullshit term, as it implies laziness and blame. I prefer the word circumstances.

You obviously chose the word EXCUSES for it’s shock effect.

The thing is- you perfectly proportioned exercise Barbie doll that happened to win the genetic lottery, the world isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. There are a lot of VARIABLES in other women’s lives preventing them from looking like you and that’s OKAY.

How dare you say that that’s NOT okay?

For a host of different reasons many women will never be thin or physically fit.

How dare you shame them?

The following is an excerpt from a post – The World is a Bazillion Shades of Grey Don’t be Judgy where I cite a seemingly endless list of variables realized by many women who happen to have perfectly legitimate excuses.

I speak for the masses of women whose dreams are unachievable due to circumstances beyond their control.

I speak for single moms working two jobs to make ends meet, who barely have time to cook, clean, do laundry and read their kids a bedtime story.

I speak for those trapped in abusive or controlling relationships who don’t have choices.

I speak for those with mental health issues like depression, post traumatic stress disorder and disabling anxiety who expend every last bit of energy simply trying to muster through the day.

I speak for those with medical conditions for which they must take daily medication that causes adverse effects like nausea or extreme fatigue.

I speak for those who’ve been involved in motor vehicle accidents who have difficulty climbing stairs or getting out a chair.

I speak for those with arthritis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and other invisible medical conditions that absolutely dictate their level of activity.

I speak for those taking care of children with special needs or elderly parents 24 hours a day, 7 days a week who are physically exhausted.

I speak for those with heart, lung and skeletal problems who are forced to limit their activities.

I speak for those with metabolic and endocrine conditions that cause chronic weight gain and low energy levels.

I speak for those whose addictions have stolen their lives and who continue to wrestle invisible demons.

I speak for the masses of women afflicted by a never ending list of challenging circumstances which causes them to chose meeting their basic needs over any sort of leisure activity including fitness related activities and working out.

I’d also like to toss the don’t-judge-a-book-by-it’s-cover analogy in here, to point out that things aren’t always as they may seem.

Meaning, it is entirely possible for an athlete missing a limb to be in a better overall physical condition to engage in an exercise regime than let’s say a 30-something seemingly healthy woman suffering from depression and fibromyalgia.

Different people, different bodies, different states of health.

We must RESPECT all of these circumstances.

Like Maria Kang, the handicapped athlete has no right to point a judgmental finger at anyone else.

NOBODY has the right to point a judgmental finger in the faces of a society made up of people whose unique situations are a bazillion shades of grey.

Their story is not your story.

You haven’t lived their lives.

You have no right to point or challenge masses of people you know nothing about.

That is all.

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Thank you for your response. ✨

23Nov2013

How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

How NOT to be an Internet Troll for Dummies… and Trolls

1. Brush your hair and use a deep conditioner.

2. Put on clothes.

Ok, seriously.

Here goes…

3. Don’t be trigger happy. Before you comment, READ the entire post.

4. Comprehend the post. That means let it really sink in until you understand what is being said. (I had to say that, as this post is intended for DUMMIES)

Does it ask a question? If the answer is YES, feel free to comment.

If the answer is NO, then nobody asked your opinion. Simon says, “Do not comment unless you have something positive or constructive to say.”

WHEN it’s acceptable to give your opinion on the Internet-

1. When someone specifically asks for it. A written passage might read something like this- “What do you think?” “What would you do?” “Please tell us your opinion on this matter.”

Should you happen to stumble upon a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, know that it’s merely a recipe for readers to try if you choose to, and not an invitation to start a discussion on the potential ill effects of polyunsaturated fats found in semi-sweet chocolate morsels. This would RUIN a perfectly good cookie recipe post. (Keep your sour grapes to yourself)

Do you see where this is going?

On a related note, Extreme Mom shares ~~batshit crazy~~ nontraditional child rearing tales as a means of creating parental comradery through HUMOR. It is absolutely NOT a serious open forum on parenting.

I REPEAT, this is NOT an open forum on parenting.

Did I mention this is NOT an open forum on parenting?

June Cleaver and Carol Brady do not moderate this blog.

There will be no discussion on the best potty training method, debate on how much TV you allow your child to watch or what the appropriate age is for a kid to have a cell phone. Quite frankly, I could care less if you duct tape a smart phone to your kids ear as he passes through the birth canal.

*******************************************************************************************************

For shits and giggles, let’s play a fun game of Simon Says as an exercise in reading comprehension and responding appropriately.

Ready?

1. Simon says, “What’s your name?”

Correct answer- “My name is… ”

Incorrect answer- “Everyone named Simon is an asshole.”

2. What’s your favorite color?

Correct answer- < nothing > Simon did NOT ask.

Incorrect answer- “My favorite color is RED but you typed this in black ink, so you suck. Black ink makes me unhappy and irritable. You have no regard for people who are color RED enthusiasts. You’re obviously a prejudice bigot.

3. Simon says, “Look up into the blue sky.”

Correct response- < tilt head back and LOOK UP >

Incorrect response- “I’m wearing yellow sunglasses, so my sky is green. Green is BETTER and you’re an ignorant slut.”

As a page moderator, I’m getting incredibly tired of troll invasions.

I can’t tell you not to be an Internet troll, but I can tell you that your rude off-subject troll comments are NOT welcome here.

I have a troll taser in my hip holster and I’m not afraid to use it.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

*Note to other Facebook pages and blogs- you’re more than welcome to share this. Together we can defeat the trolls.

Don’t get me wrong, bloggers LOVE comments… as long as they are in sync with the theme of the post. We also love to hear your opinion. Although, starting a heated debate or attempting to put the author on trial is seriously frowned upon and you will be tasered.

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Thank you for your response. ✨

8Nov2013

Marching to the Beat of a Different Drummer

Posted in Everything Extreme, Health and Wellness, Special Needs and Sensitivity by Extreme Mom

As a parent of four young adults- two faced with special life challenges, I’m often presented with rude comments on how I should handle certain situations.

Let me explain and hopefully open your eyes to a corner of the world that you’ve probably never visited.

An exercise in enlightenment, understanding and vast open-mindedness.

Chronological age is not the only indicator of where and what a person should be doing in regards to life’s milestones. This seems obvious, but trust me, it is not.

Many young adults are affected by invisible conditions which prevent them from reaching their full potential and may also make them appear lazy to the rest of the world, putting even more pressure on their already fragile self esteem.

Invisible condition (my definition)- a condition/disorder that is not necessarily obvious to the general public and may not even be detectable in a first hand social interaction with said individual. The person may appear completely normal. However, underlying condition(s) may be absolutely crippling thus preventing this person from being anything from marginally functional to ultimately meeting their full potential.

Examples- ADHD, autistic spectrum disorders, depression, anxiety, bipolar, post traumatic stress disorder, dot. dot. dot.

I live with two excellent examples of said invisible conditions, which in their cases are (at the present time) pretty debilitating. We get through life ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I love my SPECIAL children with all my heart.

My children, whom I happen to know are misunderstood by society, certain close friends and family members, whom I will stand up for until my last dying breath and probably continue to protect in the afterlife.

Hell yeah.

It goes something like this-

My 19 year old son has pretty profound ADHD. *Note- There’s the ADHD where you take a pill and <<poof>> life is good, functional and manageable and there’s the ADHD where every waking moment is a challenge. I mention this to make you aware that ADHD is not the same on any two people. It’s a spectrum disorder. Your nephews ADHD may be a completely different animal than my sons ADHD. On a similar note, the higher your chronological age, the higher societies expectations become of you, making coping often more challenging as time passes.

KNOW that, APPRECIATE that and most importantly, RESPECT that.

As it rolled out for my guy, he did not grow out of his ADHD, nor did he learn to completely compensate. Every day is a challenge. He has chosen not to take meds, which at age 19 is his prerogative. My feeling is that he needs to manage his life in a way that feels right for HIM.

It’s a slow steady process in which there is no deadline.

I stand supportive pretty much… forever.

In addition, this same adult-child falls on the autistic spectrum. Aspergers presents an infinite number of social hurdles every single day. Add sensory integration dysfunction- another spectrum type condition and you amplify the same challenges by like ten fold.

Despite starting sensory integration therapy at the young age of five, being in sync with the outside world continues to be an every day struggle. Everybody’s brain is different. One of his major sensory challenges include a struggle with proprioception and spatial relationships- knowing how hard to press the gas/brake pedal in a car or how far to turn the steering wheel.

An example of how ordinary tasks that may almost seem second nature for most, may not in fact be simple for everyone.

This is REAL life stuff.

*For anything and everything related to sensory integration, check out the book “The Out of Sync Child” by Carol Kranowicz. Excellent read. My sister and I actually attended one of her conferences awhile back and she was lucky enough to be chosen to be part of the human sandwich exercise. I think she was the lettuce.. which figures because she’s teeny. I would’ve definitely been like the quarter pound burger.

Anyway, if you’ve absorbed the significance of the above challenges, you will most likely be able to better appreciate that things like driving a car, attending college and working are equivalent to an obstacle course within an obstacle course for some young adults.

On a completely different, but equally significant note, the oldest love of my life is afflicted by severe anxiety and panic attacks. No, we didn’t break her, nor did she ask for this or bring it on herself. She’s smart, beautiful and exceptionally talented, but doesn’t accept or acknowledge any of these things.

The current plan is to chip away at the anxiety, so that we may eventually step up the ladder rung to higher level challenges like college course work, getting a drivers license, maintaining a job and nurturing close relationships.

One step at a time.

This is not the portrait of a lazy person. This is a person who is struggling.

So, when you add your two cents that sounds something like- “You drive them to college??? They need to get jobs!! If you don’t force them to take responsibility they’ll never learn… use TOUGH LOVE or I would never tolerate THAT from adult children blah, blah, blah… ” you most likely have no idea what you’re dealing with and/or how unfitting your unsolicited advice actually is.

Let me say to you, in addition to treating those you love with much needed understanding, compassion and respect, first and foremost and even if it means simply just being there, a parental figure or caregiver must most importantly do no harm.

Let that sink in.