Measuring snow in FFF’s and UUU’s

Posted in Everything Extreme by Extreme Mom

If there were zero inches of snow yesterday and 11 inches when you woke up today, how much TOTAL snow accumulation does that make?

A. Enough to freeze the puppy’s testicles off if he still had them.

B. A frosty fuckload.

C. Enough that that cat won’t GO outside and you have to scoop the mutherfucking litter box.

D. Approximately four middle fingers if you stack them upright.

E. Snow isn’t measured in inches, it’s measured in FUCK YOU’s.

F. All and any of the above is correct. You WIN. Go directly to the equator and roll around naked.

30Jan2013

Facebook Spies

Posted in Everything Extreme, Facebook Parodies by Extreme Mom

Everyone knows someone who deliberately keeps a safe distance from Facebook, because they don’t want their family spied on.

You know, that reverse camera that transmits your every move, including random entries from your diary to Facebook TV ? That.

This is a legitimate concern, if you’re running a meth lab in your basement or secretly starring in adult films, in which case you should definitely keep a low profile.

(*as should people with custody issues and certain security clearances. No brainer*)

We’re not talking about THEM.

I’m poking a stick at those law abiding citizens with 2.5 children and a dog, who have an overinflated sense of ego and delusions that as soon as they create a Fb profile, they’re a movie star and the worlds the paparazzi.

Give me a break.

I could personally care less if my ex-boyfriends sister from 8th grade sees a picture of my cat.

It’s Facebook.

Get over thyself.

30Jan2013

Badass Kitty

Posted in Everything Extreme by Extreme Mom

This is Badass Halloween Kitty.

He got caught in the middle of an unfortunate situation involving the puppy’s leash.

My very smart friend Kathy McCarthy Mendez suggested I use tie wraps to keep his bones (the metal frame) from falling apart.

Brilliant idea, Kathy!

And so, I did it.

I tie wrapped his head, abdomen and movable tail. *Good thing I’m an experienced Endoscopy nurse because the tail was tricky. I had to make a few incisions and get right *IN THERE.*

Also, he was missing a screw, (not unlike any other member of my family) so I improvised using Mighty Putty.

Badass Kitty is now 200% badass.

While I was piecing him back together a funny-evil plot popped into my head.

POP.

Let’s say you have a neighbor who you don’t exactly LIKE.

You could hide a SNAUSAGE or ribeye or something INSIDE their holiday decorations… and wait for them to let their dog out.

With your video recorder, of course.