There’s red splatter all over the family room carpet and it doesn’t remotely resemble anything I’ve served in the kitchen over the past week.

All clues point to ThatGoddamnedCat.

If you’re new here, I affectionately refer to my cat as ThatGoddamnedCat, because he’s earned that title at least 100 times over.

Plus, I thought That-mutherfuckin-cat was a bit too abrasive.

I rescued ThatGoddamnedCat from the woods of no-mans-land Pennsylvania something like seven years ago.

His blood is feral and he’s a killing machine, which would be all well and good if he didn’t bring his trophy’s in the house.

Especially when they’re undead and able to run around and reap havoc.

Sometimes ThatGoddamnedCat actually has the audacity to leave his live conquests under the sofa while he catches some zzz’s.

Cats are rude.

I surmise he’s saving it for later, which by the way is absolutely forbidden by household law.

Household law clearly states- No playing with your food and absolutely no saving shit for later that still has a heartbeat.

Just no.

If you want to run around like a saber tooth tiger from the prehistoric era, you will do it outside, mister.

I’m not entirely sure how to calculate cat years, but I do know they tend to outlive dogs by (sometimes) up to 10 years.

That’s an entire lifespan for a dog and totally unfair in my dog-loving opinion.

I’ve never actually had a 20 year old cat, but apparently it’s possible (and it would be just my luck <– I said that part under my breath, which is why it’s in parenthesis)

Of course I love my psycho feline beast. I really do.

He’s different just like everyone else in this family, so he’s the perfect misfit.

Believe it or not, ThatGoddamnedCat has some positive attributes.

Like, he doesn’t require a litter box. That right there is a BIGGIE.

He takes care of business almost exclusively outside.

I said almost because last winter was a bitch, so we were forced to bring the litter box inside.

*By bitch, I mean the snow was so deep he couldn’t navigate further than the front porch.

Although, he did try.

Bonus points to ThatGoddamnedCat for trying.

No litter box is a big selling point for a cat. It almost gives them almost human-like self sufficiency.

The other perk is that he’s not a picky eater. In addition to bird, rodent and squirrel he eats mostly dry non-stinky food.

No nasty cat food cans is a another BIG plus.

I have one of those ginormous feeders that are meant to be used when you go on vacation and leave your cat to sulk and act out.

I call it the lazy feeder because you only have to tend to the cat like every 10 days or so.

Best. invention. ever.

So, ThatGoddamnedCat isn’t all that bad.

If only, he had more useful skills like folding laundry or cleaning up his own bloody messes…