Paranormal Activity for Pansies and Parents without Girls

 

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A movie review… sort of and an open letter to the makers of Paranormal Activity-Five.

 
Seriously??
 
 
Perhaps you Paranormal movie making people could benefit from a field trip to my home.
 
 
No charge.
 
 
My two girls share the same menstrual cycle… and quite frankly, the catching-the-bus-scene in my home on any given Monday morning rivals the hell outta the infamous puke scene from the Exorcist.
 
 
Furthermore…
 
 
Never ever fuck with the dog. That just pisses me off.
 
 
*Not a spoiler. I’m pretty sure the dog didn’t die.
 
 
Who could tell. I was bored and only like half paying attention.
 
 
I mean…
 
 
Did you guys even try??
 
 
 
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My favorite part was definitely the previews of Channing Tatum in the new Jump Street movie. That can’t suck because he’s in it, so at the very least you get 90 minutes of feel good chemicals flowing warmly through your grey matter and other places.
 
 
Plus popcorn.
 
 
Two thumbs down Paranormal people. I have GIRLS, you can’t scare me.
 
 
Ps- If you need ideas, please feel free to message me.
 
 
popcorn and movie
 

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Miss Freakazoid USA

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There was a time when I was able to digest beauty pageants without having to chug an antacid straight from the bottle, but that time has long passed.

 Buuuurrrrrp!!

 I caught a glimpse of the Miss USA contestant mannequins on the news yesterday.

 What began as an all-around competition in beauty, talent and intelligence has evolved into something completely unnatural and more notably, unachievable for the majority of the female population.

 It feels all wrong to support this tomfoolery.

 The contestants are mutant women for Gods sake.

 It would better be depicted… Miss Potato Head USA.

 It goes something like this.

 Your starter kit contains a perfect medium sized potato (the genetic lottery probably drops one in every couple of hundred-ish. I don’t know what the actual statistics are, but let’s face it, you’re either born with it or you’re not) boobs, lips, eyelashes, brows, perky noses and cheekbones.

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 From there, the contestant is to acquire as many upgrades as possible and subsequently diet and exercise until they wither down to the size of a small French fry.

 Not just a regular straight-cut fast food fry either. We’re talking crinkle cut with the curves and indentations in all the RIGHT places.

 When did beauty queens begin to resemble low end body builders?

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 It’s been a long time since I’ve paid attention to this hoopla, so it’s all new to me and quite frankly, it gives me innnn-dig-estion…

 What used to be a perfectly natural 10 has evolved into a perfectly enhanced 20.

 Who looks like this?

 Well, yeah THEY do and so does Barbie.

 The point is… this package doesn’t occur spontaneously in nature.

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 It’s painfully altered.

 I’m not discrediting women for being in pristine athletic condition, but add various facial reconstruction, fake boobs so on and so forth and you have something that’s entirely enhanced and unreal.

 My biggest beef (the kind that’s dripping fat and melted cheese) is that we as society are promoting unrealistic role models.

 It’s just TOO MUCH.

 Girls have enough pressure these days without society constantly manipulating and rising the bar for perfect.

 Yes, I aspire for my daughters to be beautiful, intelligent, educated, poised, physically fit women… but not all of the above… at the same time.

 No.

 Just Hell no.

 Intelligence is good enough.

 Educated is good enough.

 Physically fit for your body type is good enough.

 Graceful confidence is good enough.

 Compassionate and caring are good enough.

 You are good enough.

 Girls should be encouraged to celebrate who the ARE and what they’ve accomplished without having their self esteem BEAUTY-CROWN-BLOCKED by continually revised over-the-top standards.

 That’s the equivalent being cock blocked except we’re referring to ones self esteem.

 I threw that in there so you’d pay attention.

 Cock blocked. <-There it is again.

 I guess you can safely say that I’m not a fan of beauty pageants.

 I also happen to think the whole Toddlers and Tiara’s charade borders on child abuse… in the mental sense, but that’s an entirely different post.

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Makeup Brush Madness

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Who needs 50 different brushes to apply makeup?
Michelangelo probably used fewer brushes to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, for Gods sake.
Target has a makeup brush display larger than both of my bathrooms… combined.
… And that’s JUST brushes mind you.
Something like a gazillion and three different tools to apply your face.
One brush at Sephora- $27
No. way. in. hell.
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 Who’s face is THAT bad?
Ok. There are some ladies…
Can I suggest putting the extra cash toward actual heavy duty industrial strength foundation then?
This seems to make more sense.
Back in my day we used the skimpy FREE brush that came in the makeup and if we happened to lose it we used our fingers.
No biggie.
I still do.
Modern day Diva’s have absolutely no imagination or sense if ingenuity.
Clearly this isn’t a generation that would fare well on Survivor.
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Furthermore, OUR generation (the generation of Awesomeness) had to walk 100 miles uphill in knee deep snow without Ugg’s (we had the $10 Kmart special snowmobile boots that were so heavy you felt like you had barbells strapped to your feet) to get to school… so our makeup was melted off by the time we got there anyway.
I call this makeup brush profiteering.
Shame on you, corporate America and the rest of the world.
It’s also exploitation of a generation that buys anything and everything and whose unlikely to have two wooden nickels to rub together by the time they reach the tender age of 20.
Broke, beautiful and brain dead.

Social Media… The Modern-day Big Bad Wolf

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Reason #2 Zillion- Why it totally sucks to be a teenager in TODAY’S society-

Social networking.

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

Everybody has one.

Your friends friends business is in YOUR face as soon as you log on.

Blame the six degrees of separation theory– the theory that everyone and everything is six or fewer steps away, by way of introduction, from any other person in the world, so that a chain of “a friend of a friend” statements can be made to connect any two people in a maximum of six steps. (As defined by the all-knowing Wikipedia)

Possibly the age of too much information.

A detailed photo replay of the entire event that you weren’t invited to is delivered directly to YOUR iPhone through your friends friends.

Unintentional thoughtfulness or something like that.

Of course a person has the right to invite whomever they chose to their social functions.

Exclusion just stings a tad more when it’s publicized.

It’s the new frosty era of IN. YOUR. FACE.

It’s ironic that teenage girls, the world’s most overly-sensitive creatures can also be the coldest and most insensitive.

I’d rather shovel cow manure with my bare hands than have to endure the social injustices of being a teenager in today’s society.

As parents, we’re helpless spectators obligated to relive and endure every excruciating moment.

It sucks.

If I had one wish, it would be to change bodies with my teen like Anna in Freaky Friday.

Mean girls beware.

I would set things straight.

Payback would certainly be a bitch for a select few.

A mom can dream…

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