Animal Carnage Rating System… for the Weak and ME

I’ve always been a National Geographic and Animal Planet junkie.
Technically, it started with Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom back in the 70’s, around the same time I was lovingly nurturing my warm fuzzy pet rock.
What were we even thinking?
I love animals and I’m admittedly addicted to animal documentaries although there’s one HUGE thing that gets under my skin, and it’s called… violent carnage scenes.
Vanna, I’d like to buy a word.
I’ll take a… NO.
Make that a… Hell NO.
Of course I have a solution.
A carnage rating system should be implemented so that people could make a more informed decision as to whether to watch a particular episode or not.
The carnage ratings would go something like this-
OK+ … No beast is harmed or killed.
EHH+ … Mild to moderate casualties, but dinner gets away safely.
OHSHIT! … Dinner’s served… Close your eyes.
FUCKINRUTHLESSCARNIVORES … Baby animals… It’s WHAT’S for dinner. Run outta the room and grab a sedative and a bottle of Jack.
This seems like a logical solution, as animal lovers who happened to be middle-aged women-who-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat, may be tuned in.
I’m speaking for my people, here.
I’d personally appreciate it a great deal, as would the person who’s paying my therapy and pharmacy bills.
It could potentially save so much cashola, that insurance companies would be wise to lobby in behalf of this very logical rating system.
Another alternative would be to fast forward through the entire chase-kill scene to the victorious animal belching loudly with a bib around it’s neck.
That would work for me.
Moving right along…
I have a message for the camera person, who stands by idly and watches babies being eaten.
Pack your summer wardrobe and SPF 3 zillion, because you’re going straight to Hell for being a spineless observer.
Put the stinkin camera down and chase the bully cheetah with a broom.
That’s what I would do.
Most definitely.
The cheetah would be like… “Oh shit, she’s got a broom… Run!!”
I would probably be called Broom Hilda- Protector of Baby Animals or something like Dat-Crazy-White-Bitch.
There’s also that prickly sore spot with me, when the narrator says in his drone voice, “The  BABY lion cub has wandered away from the pride. He’ll surely starve within days or become an easy target to predators.”
I know BABY and CUB are the same thing. I like to accentuate to support my point.
I said accentuate not exaggerate.
Why not scoop up the innocent little guy for Gods sake and ship him to the zoo where it’s SAFE??
Better yet, Justin Beiber might like to adopt him and take on full responsibility for his oral hygiene.
Of course, I understand natural selection, survival of the fittest and all that UNhappy horse shit, but I don’t have to LIKE it.
If the sadistic camera person had a compassionate bone in his body, he’d bring a Santa-sized sack of Big Cat Chow and spread it around the African plains in cute little dishes, so animals wouldn’t be forced to eat one another.
Seems like a win win situation to me.
One more beef.
Excuse the pun.
It makes no sense whatsoever that commercial sponsors on the very SAME TV network  are lobbying to end animal cruelty.
I’m perplexed by THIS.
It’s like a vegan hunting channel.
I’m so confuzzled.
Put that shit on a different network.
People who make animal documentaries totally suck and their motives are very shady. Perhaps they’re politicians in training.
Note- The above does not include Steve Irwin. I loved that guy.
He will always be the supreme ruler of the animal kingdom.
He taught me how to catch snakes with a bushy stick. A skill that’s come in handy time and time again. No, I’m not afraid of snakes.
RIP Steve Irwin.
You’ll always be… da man.

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