Tag Archives: parenting

Measuring snow in FFF’s and UUU’s

Posted in Everything Extreme by

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If there were zero inches of snow yesterday and 11 inches when you woke up today, how much TOTAL snow accumulation does that make?

A. Enough to freeze the puppy’s testicles off if he still had them.

B. A frosty fuckload.

C. Enough that that cat won’t GO outside and you have to scoop the mutherfucking litter box.

D. Approximately four middle fingers if you stack them upright.

E. Snow isn’t measured in inches, it’s measured in FUCK YOU’s.

F. All and any of the above is correct. You WIN. Go directly to the equator and roll around naked.

Everyfluckingthing

Posted in Everything Extreme by

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Addendum to “I hate it when my grocery list says… Everyfluckingthing.”

Don’t ever grocery shop after you’ve had a few drinks and your family is home starving (apparently their peanutbutter & jelly hands are broken or sprained or something like that) and you don’t have an actual list, but your brain knows damned well the list reads something like… Everyfluckingthing.

Quite frankly, the sobriety test should be changed from walking a straight line to something more challenging, like ordering lunch meat at the deli.

I bought $140 worth of whoithehellknowswhat that seemed like a good idea at the time.

At least I remembered snack food. Two bags of Halloween candy that I immediately hid in back of the toaster oven.

I’m disclosing my hiding spot because I will likely forget that I did this, but now I have *<lightbulb>* an answer key!

I’m not sure where this post is going.

Don’t drink and grocery shop.

You’re cart will end up looking like Cheech & Chong’s midnight snack and you’ll blow your big chance at snagging Mother of the Year.

Again.

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