Not a Creature was Stirring: Holiday Chronicles of ThatGoddamnedCat

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Twas an early Sunday morning, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The holiday decorations had been tossed aside-in-a-tizzy
In hopes that caffeine would step-up, and make me get busy

The teenagers were unconscious, asleep in their beds
While visions of Xbox polluted their heads

With the pooch at my feet, I guzzled my Java
A feeble attempt, to deal with-the-days drama

When out in the hallway, arose an overexcited pup
So, I sprang from my chair, to see what was up

When what to my wondering eyes, did appear
But a motionless rodent – in asystole – I fear

My infamous cat, was so lively and quick
I knew in a moment, it was that-serial-killing prick

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Out leaped ThatGoddamnedCat, in a quick graceful bound

He was pure feline badass, from whisker to toe
With a rap sheet so long, it could be tied in a bow

His ears they were pointed, like the tips of a star
His vision acute, so he could stalk from afar

His instincts were primal, his senses were keen
His pounce when airborne, was… stealthy and clean

He mewed not a word, as he glared at his prize
Pride and contentment, gleamed in his eyes

Then he sprang to his feet, and bounded away
Like a satiated feline, who’d gifted us prey

But I knew he was thinking, as he leapt out of sight
Happy Christmas lowly humans…

 

I’m done for the night!

 

Read more stories from The Chronicles of ThatGoddamnedCat!

Meet Max aka ThatGoddamnedCat

Bobbing for Bunnies in the River Styx

Meet LuckyBastard my Chipmunk Friend

Here Birdie Birdie

Twas the First Day of School

 

Alternate kick-ass uses for the creeper Elf on a Shelf

 

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*Replace his limbs with juicy hotdogs and gift him to your hungry dog or pet cheetah

 

*Wind him around a cardboard roll to use as emergency toilet paper

 

*Roll him in Cheese Whiz and strategically place in rat trap to guarantee… “not a creature is stirring.”

 

*Install creepy light-up eyeballs that activate when your naughty kid gets out of bed at night – *submit this to America’s Funniest Videos for a chance to win $10,000 to cover your childs future therapy bill

 

*Wrap him around a plunger and unclog the toilet of festive holiday leavings

 

*Fill with sand and carefully position at the end of your driveway as a speed bump for cocky teenagers and unwelcome solicitors. *spikes optional*

 

*Fill his head with bacon grease and explode it in the microwave for a science fair project, totally winning the science fair

 

*Replace his hands with tongs to help remove the extra-parts-that-don’t-belong-there-in-the-first-place out of the holiday turkeys caboose

 

*Fill his legs with catnip and film the best YouTube video EVER- starring your cat

 

*Lube him up and use as a holiday-themed tampon for heavy flow days

 

*Fill him with fire ants and gift to your favorite coworker, relative, ex-boyfriend or boss

 

*Use as canine pleasure companion for when your dog gets humpy

 

*Give him a stylish steel wool afro and use his sorry noggin to scrub the green stuff out of the fridge

 

*Put your hand up his butt like a puppet – to keep it from freezing when brushing the snow off your car

 

*Soak him in lighter fluid to use as festive fireplace kindling and/or roast his vodka-soaked nuts on an open fire

 

*Make him into an ugly sweater for your litter box scooper

 

*Replace his insides with elastic and use to sling-shot frozen monkey poop at people who hold up the line at the DMV

 

*Use him to put out small fires, like the next time your kids blow up the toaster oven

 

*Use his extra long legs as ties to hold your kids barf bag around his neck during flu season

 

*Replace his stuffing with pennies and use them to pay for your next Taco Bell order

 

*Use as an absorbent mop head to soak up toxic spills… like the explosive aftermath almost always created when well-meaning relatives sneak your dog table scraps

 

*Replace his head with a clove of garlic and fasten him to the front of your straight jacket to keep vampires and crazy relatives away. Eat his head in an emergency

 

*Use to clean up the bloody mess when your 15 year old with ADD gets her period

 

*Place a bulb syringe in his hat and use him to suck the sticky boogers out of your uncooperative toddlers nose

 

*Fasten to your car bumper to cushion the blow for poorly located deer and pedestrians, thereby sparring Rudolph’s life and potentially saving Christmas

 

*Use as an incontinence liner for grandma, so when she gets run over in the annual reindeer stampede… she won’t lose her sh*t

 

Read more Extreme Mom holiday stories here.

 

Dummies Guide to Web Commenting

Newsflash- The Internet is a pretty ginormous social platform that’s not by-invitation-only.

It is not YOUR personal living room where you can screen and confine visitors to your very own social clones -bearing similar beliefs, ideas and values.

Like it or not, there are infinite perspectives on just about everything. It’s called diversity and it runs rampant in our world.

I find it extremely pompous when people make an extended effort to comment on content they stumbled upon while browsing a public platform, because they deemed it to be personally offensive and I’m not talking about news sites and current events. The latter two are known mine fields of volatile opinion.

Sure, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but if the writing in question happens to appear on, for example, a humor-based, variety or entertainment page, it should be perceived as exactly that. It’s highly doubtful the author intentionally penned something funny in an effort to incite a religious or political debate.

It’s like stopping at the butcher shop to debate vegetarianism.

You’re unwelcome. Keep scrolling.

I cannot imagine mustering up and expending any amount of negative energy debating something that was not personally addressed to me.

Sure, many people are passionate about a certain causes and I am not referring to them. I am referring to the busy-body web commenters who creep the Internet looking for something to get defensive about.

Trouble seeking trolls with an agenda… highjacking public posts.

Perhaps it creates an avenue by which despondant Internet dwellers are able to project deep seeded personal unhappiness or insecurities onto random strangers-that-weren’t-addressing-them-in-the-first-place. A means of letting the negative energy out of their mood balloon before it spontaneously combusts. In that particular sense it can be an effective coping mechanism, although dragging the public into your own personal misery bubble is just plain wrong. 

In the big scheme of things one person’s opposition rarely has any changing effect on the author or target readers. The end product is simply the unnecessary polluting of public air space with negative energy.

The Internet’s a ginormous place and while it’s true that any sites readership is likely composed of a diverse group of people, in the end it’s the publisher who has the final decision whether or not to run an article – usually based on its anticipated appeal to the majority of it’s audience. Publishers aim to retain readers. Oftentimes web pages also touch on controversial topics in an effort to engage readers in healthy objective debate. I assure you, sponsored sites are not deliberately trying to offend you.

Perhaps this is the perfect opportunity for you to practice an exercise in personal open-mindedness.

Not everything on the Internet is intended to appeal to everyone.

When skimming an article I deem ridiculous or over-the-top, I usually let out an amused chuckle or belly laugh, do an exaggerated eye roll, and immediately close it. Adio’s dumbasses!

I choose to remain sarcastically entertained, which is immensely healthier than morphing into a vicious Internet troll bearing-fangs-and-claws and looking for a bar fight.

The biggest most explosive mine field on the web can be found in the comments of any mainstream discussion on politics, religion and race, as these subjects tend to attract the most narrow-minded loud-mouth extremists on the planet.

Fact. This group of people almost always has a personal agenda.

However… life is all about compromise.

Most things are not inherently black or white, but fall somewhere within the spectrum of fifty-kazillion shades of grey. Anyone solidly planted at either pole is at risk for becoming a close-minded extremist.

Although, every case has exceptions. Remember, we’re practicing open-mindedness.

Much wisdom can be gained in simply pondering other people’s opinions.

Think about it… even if you disagree. An open mind is an ever-expansive mind.

Only close-minded jackasses are quick to comment, because they’ve inadvertently snapped their minds shut, much like a heavy steel trap. They choose to remain self-justified and righteous even when there’s the slightest possibility that they may be wrong.

The wise grasshopper ponders EVERYTHING… which is exactly how he got to be the wise grasshopper in the first place.

Take a moment to think before you comment.

PS – This is not my first Troll Rodeo. I’ve had a lot to say about Trolls in the past.

The Ultimate Turkey Day Clusterf*ck

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In my humble mom-opinion, the Birdzilla holiday is definitely the King pin of all holiday clusterflucks.

It all starts with the grocery store clusterfluck. I’m referring to the mass of non-regular customers leisurely strolling the aisles with the entire maternal side of their family in tow. Shopping is for active participants only. Spectators are not welcome in the arena… they have no purpose other than to create a clusterfluck in aisle three.

On the other end of the spectrum is the daddy-deer-in-headlights; the lost looking male sent to the front lines to retrieve forgotten items. These guys are like a stubborn hair clog in the bathroom sink… they won’t budge. We’ll call them solitary clusterflucks.

*Note – During non-holiday shopping trips I have compassion for these pitiful creatures, but unfortunately, it’s the holiday season and the only rule of shopping during the holidays is get in and get out… like your life depends on it.

You encounter the extra person clusterfluck as soon as you enter the check-out area which is not so surprisingly bustling with extra bodies much like pesky ants at a picnic. How many people does it take to swipe a debit card? The answer is ONE, meaning all inactive shopping companions should kindly buzz off.

Finally having completed your shopping mission, you push the heavy overflowing shopping cart with-the-bad-wheel to the outermost border of the parking lot where you were forced to retreat. This is appropriately termed the parking-in-BFE clusterfluck.

Also, the more traffic flowing through the parking lot, the more likely some inattentive holiday jackass-in-a-box will pop out in front of your car and end up as a hood decoration. Live hood decorations are right up there with Rudolph’s antlers tacked to your mirror and/or Santa’s testicles dangling from your muffler.

This is called the tacky car accessories clusterfluck.

Finally, you slide into home base, but when you attempt to unload your gargantuan grocery order, there’s nowhere to put anything because of the kitchen-counter clusterfluck and the refrigerator clusterfluck.

You saw that one coming, didn’t you?

When food prep commences, the overflowing dirty-dishes clusterfluck is immediately created and will regenerate for another 48-72 hours, making it the biggest clusterfluck of all. I despise washing dishes. I’m a huge fan of serving left-overs on paper plates, which incidentally causes a trash can clusterfluck, but what are you gonna do?

We’re picking our battles here.

Other painful holiday clusterflucks include the obvious dinner table fiasco, where you attempt to squeeze 15 people around an 8 seater table. “No fair… I want to sit near Suzy Lou Hoo!” This is called the intimate-encounter clusterfluck and also the reason I bought the big bottle of vodka.

Then there’s the dreaded people-who-don’t-belong-in-the-kitchen clusterfluck, which is why I leave a bag of unpeeled potatoes on the table. Everyone knows as soon as guests arrive, they immediately invade your sanctuary and try to be helpful.

“Grab a potato peeler. We’ve got a clusterfluck and a half of potatoes to peel,” says me.

To clear up any confusion, the tryptophan found in turkey not only makes you sleepy, it can give you a strong urge to dive off the roof of Macy’s during the Thanksgiving Day parade – right into Underdog’s inflatable ass, which would be affectionately termed the contipated balloon character clusterfluck.

And no, you will not catch me out and about on Black Friday. That’s an entirely separate clusterfluck in itself, worthy of it’s very own holiday book-of-rants.

Stick a hot fork in me.

This pilgrim is doneat least until the Christmas-time clusterfluck begins.

 

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Click on the link below to receive updates on a fabulously fun mom-authored holiday book due out in 2015 – written by myself and my mommy comrades!

http://momfortheholidays.com

 

 

Welcome to the Extreme Mom House of Horrors

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Good Eeeeevening and welcome to the Extreme House of Horrors… otherwise known as Moms Tunnel of Everyday Terror. 

If you suffer from anxiety, OCD, panic attacks or PTSD, this exhibit is not for you.
You’ve been warned.
This Halloween themed attraction is FRIGHTENING in caps simply because it’s the real deal.
None of the featured subjects have been staged.
This is my actual home.
I shit you not.
Fortunately, it took a few years to compile this unique chilling collection.  The following is not a complete depiction of scary activity found in the Extreme House of Horrors, these are simply the highlights.
Ready?
Extreme Cousin It will be your tour guide!
 
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Enter my offsprings bedroom where we discover a once healthy and refreshing glass of apple juice that was taken over by sinister fuzzy green goblins while the family slept. Nobody knows where they came from.

Fortunately, Ghostbuster mom was able to defeat the fuzzy green goblins with bleach. Ghostbuster Mamacita kicks ass.
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Here we have the Blob Monster. He started out as a nutritious glass of vitamin D fortified milk. Nobody knows how he managed to penetrate security and slither into this unsuspecting glass.

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Next up is this lovely plaster of Paris sculpture Wednesday is currently constructing for her 3D art class. We’re not sure whose heart she’s attempting to recreate, but we’ve all decided to be extra nice to her…. just in case.
If you didn’t notice, Wednesday is sculpting on my unprotected cherry finish dining room table with razor sharp tools, because… that’s how she rolls. It seems rather obvious that she accidentally consumed the apple juice from the above photo and fuzzy green goblins immediately ate her brain. It’s the only logical explanation. And, it’s also why I can’t have nice things.

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Below is Wednesday dressed as herself for Halloween. She still has the headless doll, Marie Antoinette which used to be a lovely decorative Amish doll that-I-did-not-need-anyway.
 
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 In addition to sculpting, Wednesday enjoys wood carving on the living room coffee table.

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These harmless fuzzy green visitors are frequent guests in our kitchen.
All I have to say is… What your family doesn’t know can’t hurt them.

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Spaghetti… it’s what’s for dinner. It’s also evidence that I do sometimes use the stove.

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I also hate doing dishes. I left these for Wednesday. Her other name is on the traffic cone because it’s her chore.
 
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The kitchen isn’t always scary.
Sometimes we play games.
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This is Tim, the winner from the Jenga game featured above.

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This is also him.
 
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Let’s get some fresh air and venture out to the back deck.
Nope, this is not a giant rat. This look-alike is actually a decaying banana. I can only assume that Pugsley aka Tim left it for the flying monkey’s who are due to fly overhead any minute now on their annual migratory trip to the Devil’s Triangle.
My children are dedicated ambassadors of wildlife preservation as well as fierce protectors of exotic creatures. They’re givers from way back.

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 Whooooopsy!!
Look out below.
ThatGodamnedCat apparently bagged another flying monkey.  Mum is the word. We don’t want that testy green-faced bitch whose strung-out-on-MaxwellHouse to find out about it. She has an ug-ly temper.
It’s always seems to be something with ThatGoddamnedCat. He’s a murdering machine who obviously needs a new bell collar.
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  Meet our Extreme Pets.

 This scary guy has glowy eyes, but he’s actually pretty harmless. I heart him.

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The brainless one… we’ll call him Spot.

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Dumb with a capital D.

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This asshole feline is the star of many of my posts. Most people know him as ThatGoddamnedCat.

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Has anyone seen spot? It’s Eddies turn to brush him.

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Sometimes, we play with pet fur for fun.

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The following scary bedroom attraction is admittedly lame.
I’ll admit, waking to find a 3.5 pound femur in your bed covers is nothing compared to finding the entire bloody horse head. We’ll give this unwelcome body part an honorable mention.
Credit to Spot, the brainless family canine who can’t resist a delicious midnight snack.
 
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 Wednesday cuddling with her horse head.

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 Speaking of bed covers, It’s time to wash the horsy-femur-sheets.

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The following is random stuff I found under my bed.
When Gomez speaks French I tend to get frisky…
or maybe I’m just a fun mom hoarder of unusual stuff .

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Also tucked away in my extreme jewelry box…
I actually own this and yes I’ve worn it to work.

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Bathrooms can be scary for many reasons.
This one is definitely possessed by twin demons called PMS, which incidentally stands for Pretty Mutherf*cking Scary.
I try to stay out of this room.
 
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I recently  painted the powder room a lovely shade of Exorcist Pea-Soup Green, because I crack myself up… or possibly I’m cracking up.
Same difference.
This genius color serves to camouflage any unholy venomous regurgitation spewed by the girls as they are primping for school.

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You might be a witch if… you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle.
*Note to self – order more firewood.

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My Extreme family also enjoys painting with toothpaste and making arts and crafts in the bathroom. The toothpaste thing really happened. Quite frankly, I was too baffled to investigate and the perp got away scott free..
You have to choose your battles carefully.

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*For the easy version of this tampon ghost, just draw the eyes with a Sharpie marker, because not everyone can be an admitted hoarder of useless craft supplies like myself.

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No scary mansion is complete without spiders, snakes, bats  and toads.
Here are a few photos of me and my favorite creatures.
No, I’m not afraid of exotic house guests.
 
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Awesome hair clip I scored at the Dollar Store.

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 Other disturbing and intriguing finds…

 

Pugsley’s glasses…

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And another pair…

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I bought this uber cool violet-light-powered beauty mask because nobody over 40 should have both acne and wrinkles, but mostly because it’s a fantastic way to embarrass my kids.

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Thank you for visiting the Extreme House of Horrors!
 

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 Y’all come back now, ya hear?

 

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While I was asleep…

 

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From the moment I brought my first two children home from the hospital, barely 12 months shy of one another… nobody slept. My Irish twins were jacked-up baby Energizer Bunnies in stereo.

*Irish twins- when the same woman produces multiple offspring in a 12 month period through separate pregnancies. This probably causes many women to take up recreational drinking later in life, so I’m pretty sure that’s where the Irish part comes from.

I gave birth to up-all-night babies who quickly grew into up-all-night toddlers who were about as difficult to settle in bed as a pair of adolescent spider monkey’s on crack. I kid you not, my bald tail-less monkey’s would not. stay. in. bed. And yes, I tried everything from warm soothing baths, calming music, and dreadfully mundane bedtime stories to… Benadryl.

Yes, I did.

Don’t go all judgy June Cleaver on me. I was exhaustipated with a capital E. Also, in my defense, as a veteran RN I’d carried out many physicians orders administering this very same medication to adult patients FOR SLEEP. I happened to be working in pediatrics at the time, so it was easy to figure out the safe dosage. Unfortunately, medications can have the opposite effect on some people. Particularly, small noisy humans between 2 – 3 foot tall, who are manipulative sticky little parasites whose sole mission in life is to siphon adult energy. As Murphy’s Law would predict, Benadryl turned out to be the equivalent of a double shot of expresso laced with pixie stick powder.

As a result, I quickly came to terms with the reality that there was no magic bullet – NOTHING could guarantee to convert my hyperactive children into sleepy mode at sundown. Colassal bummer. In addition to holding the ever-taxing mom title, I had a full time job. I was so tired it hurt. More often than not, I’d simply give in to exhaustion and assume the vertical-cozy-position next to my bouncing balls of energy, which meant I was out for the entire night… in a bed intended for baby bear.

This moms episode of Sleepless in New York actually took place 18 years ago, before the explosion of social networking and subsequent 24/7 online moral support for Mommy’s-at-the-end-of-their-ropes. Quite frankly, I don’t know how I survived without the almighty Internet life line.

I  just do not know.

I recently finished reading the new mom anthology, Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness, which is a funny and heartwarming collection of tales written by kindred sleep deprived mom goddesses. Rest assured, fellow mombies, the sleep-deprived state you’re experiencing is indeed a widespread and universal phenomenon that’s also temporary.

You’ve just got to love nocturnal children.

For me, it quickly became a nightly contest to see who would fall asleep first. Predictably, I was hardly ever victorious. To this day, the same image pops into my consciousness whenever bedtime shenanigans are mentioned. The infamous night I frantically woke to discover my two year old son was MIA, which meant he had escaped from his room and was most likely on a mischievous adventure. At the sight of his empty bed, I instinctually rushed into my daughters room, where thankfully, I discovered them both. She was nuzzled under the bed covers fast asleep and my Energizer Bunny Boy was perched on top of her sleeping figure with the entire contents of the toy box spilled onto her bed. Bizarre, but funny as Hell. He had the Fisher Price farm set up next to her head and was gleefully manipulating the animal figures up and down her arms, making barnyard noises. Moooooooo!!! Cock-a-doodle-doo!!! Apparently, he needed someone to play with and it didn’t matter to him if his playmate was interactive

For the official record, it’s not easy to portray a convincing bad-ass disciplinarian when you’re gasping and turning colors trying to stifle an  impending laugh-out-loud-and-slap-your-thigh. Some things are just plain entertaining, especially when you’re exhausted.

The strategy I most often resorted to when attempting to wind down my hyperactive monkey-boy was to force him to lay on the couch and watch National Geographic, while I took care of whatever needed to be urgently attended to – like washing the families underwear, tossing the after-dinner wreckage into the dumpster or mopping up the lake left on the bathroom floor after evening baths. The drone hum of the NG narrators voice was enough to put a herd of elephants to sleep, although predictably, it hardly had any effect on my high strung monkey child who, incidentally, had been diagnosed with off-the-charts ADHD by the tender age of five. I can’t confirm that off-the-charts ADHD is an official diagnosis in the DSM, but I do hereby swear it came out of the psychiatrists mouth.

This particular memory came bouncing back into my consciousness like a baby grenade the moment I sunk my teeth into Motherhood May cause Drowsiness and began to read. I suspect it’s also very likely that I have a touch (or full blown) case of PTSD.

And on the glass-half-full-of-vodka kind of note – the ultimate pay-off for the struggle is that my eldest offspring are now 20 and 21 years old, meaning it’s almost their turn to join the up-all-night watch crew also known as team zombie… and I can hardly wait until they have kids.

Be sure to check out this heartfelt, painstaking and funny new mom anthology! It’s recommended reading for the Hot Mess Mom Club. Welcome!

 

People are like Snowflakes- No Two are Exactly The Same: Don’t be Judgy

 

I’m going to shimmy out on a flimsy unfashionable limb and state that I don’t believe suicide is necessarily a selfish act.

Think objectively for a moment.

Sure, some people have overcome depression, but we are not them. Even if we think we’ve been in the exact same situation, there is no accurate method of measuring this.

Fact- Depression is a spectrum disorder meaning people suffer in varying degrees. Some mildly and occasionally and others to the point of hospitalization where they’re completely dysfunctional.

I call it a bazillion shades of grey.

To speculate that your particular shade of grey is exactly the same hue as someone who unfortunately ended their life- is to make a huge assumption.

Depression does not look or feel the same to any two people.

It’s likely that the person who willfully choses to end their life has in fact reached an entirely different higher level of despair and/or was simply not equipped with adequate coping mechanisms.

There is no precise measure for inner turmoil.

There are however, many documented accounts from people who have come close to this point and went on record to universally declare that they saw no other way to end their intense suffering.

Their pain was that unbearable.

There are probably very few people who can actually identify with that particular level of complete disparity.

It’s safe to speculate that it’s entirely possible that any given suicide victim may have already ‘reached out’, trialed a variety of medications, and/or undergone consistent intense treatment, all while being supported by a loving family.

Every single incident is different. The variables can never be exactly the same.

What made a difference for the young woman suffering in silvery-slate grey may not necessarily put a dent in the symptoms of the older gentlemen afflicted by dark-charcoal grey.

Not every ailment is curable.

Absorb that.

Respect that.

Learn to recognize that many situations in life undoubtedly occur on a very wide spectrum in which there are variables present in a bazillion shades of grey.

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***To claim to possess precise knowledge that can be effected and therefore changed by infinite variables… is to be recklessly ignorant.***

 

 

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