Va- what??

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Just when you think you’re running out of things to blog about… your friend posts an informative link to the wonderful world of vajazzling.

Va-what?

You got it…. the art of bedazzling the vaginal area, which for the official record isn’t entirely anatomically accurate, as the glitz is actually stuck to the mons pubis and in some instances the labia.

I mention this because upon reading the title, this obstetrical nurse was expecting the bling to be down under, when in fact it’s completely localized to the anterior pubes.

This matters why?

I immediately had fun fleeting visions of newborns shooting out of the tunnel-of-bling covered in vernix and gemstones.

How cool would that be?

To Do –

Convince nurse manager to order infant ID bracelets and security tags in coordinating rhinestones to match Mommy’s bedazzled box-of-bling.

They would replace the plain-Jane numbered security bracelets maternity units have been using for like… ever.

Coordinating baby’s bracelet with Mommy’s box-of-bling is likely to be welcomed by both new mommy’s and maternity nurses because nobody enjoys reading those pesky five digit numbers a zillion times to claim their babies.

Nobody.

Another glittery perk could be the addition of edible glitter to baby formula!

This would absolutely improve the whole diaper changing experience.

Similac with Iron in radiant flamingo-pink!

What about the baby-daddy’s identity bracelet, you ask?

Sometimes, the baby-daddy is issued his own identity bracelet.

To bling or not to bling?

Nope.

No bling for him.

Just no way, Jose.

I think it’s safe to speak for my colleagues when I say, we’re not ready to go there.

His identifier shall remain a bracelet in bright festive orange, much like those prison jumpsuits worn by the badass guys in the chain gang.

Why?

Because most boys men love gonadal attention and it’s high time they started practicing the role of responsible paternal figure, meaning the fun and games are over, dude.

Keep the barn door zipped, daddy-o.

You are about to enter the portal to Hell with the one to which you most generously deposited your sparkly seed of life.

Game over.

And guys, if and when you decide to get a vasectomy, I’d be more than happy to personally bedazzle your empty testicle sacks.

I’m thinking sports logos.

The Arizona Diamondbacks immediately comes to mind.

As a matter of fact, I’ll handcraft you a sparkly ice pack to match your desolate pouches of blanks.

Lastly, I’d like to share some (somewhat) practical vajazzling ideas for women-

A blingy Birthday cake… for the man who has everything

A clover for… that lucky son-of-a-bitch.

Mistletoe… but only for boys who’ve been good.

Life is full of surprises.

Shit happens.

It may as well be dazzling.

816

How to-

http://hairremoval.about.com/od/bikiniwaxing/ht/Vajazzle.htm

Where to purchase a vajazzle kit-

http://www.bindis.biz/bejazzelling-vajazzle-kits-21-c.asp

http://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/i.html?_sacat=0&_nkw=vajazzle&rt=nc

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I looked all over the interwebs for a Superman vajazzle design and came up with nothing!

How can this be?

I’m pretty sure Supergirl would be my first choice.

Weird.

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???????????????

Note- you guys probably knew about this vajazzling thing all along, but I totally did not.

I’m that married-forever middle aged lady with four kids who lives under a regular rock-that’s-not-a-gemstone, who’s almost always a day late and a crystal short on the latest and the greatest fads.

Now you know.

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7 thoughts on “Va- what??

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  4. Did I just leave my comment in the wrong place??? What a douche.

    Anyway, if I did…here it is again. Just delete me if you wanna. At this point, I would.

    *****
    I did not know, I did not know, I did not know!!

    Oh, my Lordy. I’m not sure what to think. I mean, I always say the world needs more bling…but that ain’t reeeeally what I had in mind

    I’m not sure I have the balls to do it. (Well, THAT sounded stupid, but you know what I mean.)

    I’m kinda sitting here in awe. I mean, what if? I do have to say though, “A clover for that lucky son-of-a-bitch?” That right there makes you a new hero of mine. That shit is perfection! =

    Like

    • Thank you for commenting that you did not know, so I don’t look like the only dork who lives under a rock!!

      Ignorance loves fun company.

      The clover does have it’s merits. In fact, I’m thinking it would be PERFECT for make-up sex.

      Like

  5. Come on, sister, I’m as middle aged as you and I’ve heard of the vajazzle extravaganza! Lol. I have undergone my vasectomy, so what, do I make an appointment for my Cardinals gonadal bling here or via email or what?

    Like

    • Cardinals would look great on you, daddy-o. In fact, if the wife gets say… BlueJays you could have a very fun game of angry birds!

      This is seriously my first exposure to this glitzy fad! I know, right?? I suspect by the age of your children I have a few years on you- hence, I’m closer to dead.

      Magic numeral 47… go!

      Like

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