Baking Obligatory COOKIES
I just renamed Italian drop cookies… YouStickyBastardMutherfuckers.
It seems fitting.
No wonder my Italian ancestors drank so much wine.
Also, since this description happens to fit so many varieties of the cookies I attempted to bake, I believe I’ll assign them each a number at the end of their like name.
Example- YouStickyBastardMutherfuckers #1 are snickerdoodles, YouStickyBastardMutherfuckers #2 are Italian drop cookies, and so on and so forth.
Things that makes the Season Joyful #11 is Baking Cookies- those StickyBastardMutherfuckers. I love/hate you.
Just say no. Let’s save the rain forrest together. I for one, am super conscientious of the effects that deforestation has on my monkey friends. Monkey’s live, play, eat and fling poop at other monkey’s and men wearing yellow hats from TREES.
Christmas cards are made from bulldozed monkey-family condos and Chuck E. Cheese tree establishments where baby monkey’s eat pizza and play Whack-a-mole.
Insensitivity toward monkey’s comes to mind when I think of sending Christmas cards, and my love for monkey antics far outweighs my tolerance of humans.
Join the 21st century people and send an e-card.
Also, if you send one card, you have to send all 75 cards, and quite frankly I no longer have it in me.
My goodwill meter run loweth.
I’m a monkey preferring person and I’m okay with it,
Things that make the season JOYFUL #12 is NOT sending cards.
Note- I happen to love getting YOUR cards. Keep sending them, especially the ones with photos. I love those. I however, have chosen to become an exclusive e-communicator. If you ever get a hand written note from me, know that I’ve definitely been abducted by aliens.
Mutherfucking turkey, which is distinctly different than REGULAR turkey that you see in glossy magazine photos or are invited to eat in other peoples homes, because it’s dirty greasy carcass is found in YOUR very own kitchen, that’s why.
I’m sorry if I shocked you by blurting out MUTHERFUCKING TURKEY, but it came shooting out of my brain like a kamikaze pilot. It also came directly from the heart, meaning I really meant it.
I’m a ham and lasagna kinda girl from way back, because A. Saucy Italian food trumps meat and potatoes ANY day and B. Ham is a no nonsense meal. Meaning, you stick it in the oven with unpeeled potatoes and POOF… Dinner is served!
No sticking your entire arm up the turkey’s ass to remove a neck that shouldn’t be in there in the first place, only to turn around and stuff it with stale bread.
Furthermore, the fancy bird-beast requires MASHED potatoes, meaning you get to peel (step one), dice (step two), cook (step three), mash (step four), and cleanup (step five) peeler, spoon, beaters, pot, strainer, bowl, not to mention bandage your bloody knuckles and clean up potato peels that are everyfuckingwhere, except in the garbage can.
Fun fact- potato peels stick infinitely BETTER than those window clings you decorate with on holidays.
I almost forgot to bitch about the gravy. The hubinator makes his own gravy, adding an open canister of flour of which most is airborne, a colander, sifter, grease separator, small sauce pan and gravy boat to the on-deck prep station adjacent from the sink from Hell. Yes, he makes his own gravy and it’s delicious. A delicious explosion in your mouth and all over your kitchen.
There are so many steps involved in the preparation of turkey, potatoes and gravy that the FuckYou factor is amplified by like a kazillionish.
You could travel to a foreign country and back in the time it takes to prepare and clean up the dreaded aftermath from a festive birdzilla dinner.
Young ladies, take my advice and have the absolutely-NO-turkey-on-holidays verbiage added to your prenup agreement immediately. You will thank me.
Things that make the season JOYFUL #13 Mutherfucking turkey.
The Groundhogs Day Concept-according to the MOVIE and not the furry rodents big debut in February that he almost always fucks up.
What I mean is, you wake up and it’s Christmas over and over and over again.
My sister and her family live out of town, so in addition to having a full blown Italian meal on Christmas Eve and a Mutherfucking turkey on Christmas Day, we celebrate with her family AFTER Christmas, accounting for Groundhogs Day #2, 3, 4 or however many days they stay.
The prep, the food, the extra bodies, the clean-up… over and over. Note- not only do these tiring celebrations extend through Christmas, they continue into the final week of December encompassing my oldest daughters birthday and New Year’s Eve. We’ll call these Groundhogs Day #5 and #6 respectively.
Don’t get me wrong- I love my family.
However, I do not love an entire week of holiday overstimulation.
It hurts my brain and makes me grumpy.
Just ask anyone.
There seems to be no flicker of light at the end of this seemingly endless dark holiday tunnel called perpetual Groundhogs Day.
On a side note, the one thing that has always perplexed me about the movie Groundhogs Day is, whyinthehell doesn’t Bill Murray’s character wise up after repeating the same horrific day, a dozen or so times, and just hide a flask under his pillow so he can immediately start drinking when the alarm-from-hell goes off? This would’ve made his life suck immensely less, in the movie at least.
Not to get off subject or anything, but Bill Murray’s agent has absolutely no foresight on what roles he should NOT play, or maybe he’s just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch who likes watching him get his ass kicked by rodents.
Crazy Carl did not exactly come out victorious in Caddyshack.
Things that make the season JOYFUL #14- a The Groundhogs Day Concept.
The Joyful series was supposed to wrap up after #12, making it- The 12 Painful Days of Christmas, but thanks to the Groundhog’s Day Concept, it keeps going and going and going…
Stick a fork in this furry rodent, people… we’re DONE!
Over and out.
Click here to read — Things that make the season JOYFUL 1- 5
And here — Things that make the season JOYFUL Part 2
And, OH SHIT!! I forgot numbers 8 and 9… I really did!!
Here they are-