Let’s face it, Santa’s one creepy mo-fo.
He’s been scaring the bejeezus out of children and small domestic animals for centuries and it’s certainly not difficult to understand the basis of their raw primal TERROR.
He’s a bizarre looking vagrant who pops up once a year, resembling nothing even remotely familiar in society. It’s true that he could probably pass for a fuzzy mutant garden gnome, but that may not exactly be an asset for him, so we’ll just scratch that and move on.
The BIG guy’s larger than life, he’s squishy in a gooey icky jelly-filled kinda way and his choice of clothing resembles nothing from the current era or even past century.
He’s kinda like a cheesy-looking gargantuan stuffed toy that snuck out of the crane game and magically came to life, ready to pass judgement on the innocent children of the world.
No wonder kids are terrified. Through their eyes they see Chucky from Child’s Play, except the creepy geriatric version; unruly head of hippy hair… in white, Duck Dynasty beard and a huge sack of booze.
I’ve also heard he smells like beef and cheese… or worse.
You have to admit, his image is disturbing and creepy in an Adams Family kinda way.
Yet, parents everywhere continue to feed their children’s greatest FEARS by unknowingly repeating ritualistic holiday threats.
“Santa’s watching” “He’s can see EVERYTHING you do.”
“He knows when you’ve been good or bad so be good for goodness sake. Oooohhhh…you better watch out!”
That said, I’m pretty certain Santa could (and should) be profiled as creepy stalker.
The mixed messages sent by trustworthy adults are absolutely riddled with holes.
“Don’t talk to strangers, unless of course they’re dressed like an oversized garden gnome that escaped from the Home Depot and you want a new Xbox for Christmas… THEN it’s okay, but only during the last two weeks of December.”
How utterly confusing.
He’s like God- the North Pole version, except he morphs into Satan if you’ve been bad, which is precisely why he puts COAL in your Christmas stocking.
It’s fuel direct from the furnaces of Hell. Makes perfect sense, as Hell is obviously heated with coal.
I also heard somewhere that if you play the vinyl 45 record of Santa Clause is Coming to Town backwards, it actually sounds like Highway to Hell, which by the way would be an immense improvement.
Not only is the whole Santa thing unsettling, it’s downright unfair to children.
It’s virtually impossible for kids to behave all of the time. Even the most well behaved kids are gonna slip up now and then. Messing up is what kids do best.
It may not even be big slip ups, but to the normally well behaved kid, something like feeding your vegetables to the dog, peeing with the seat down or calling your baby sister a poopy head may be just enough guilt to send you spiraling over the morality cliff straight into a life of Santa induced therapy.
After careful consideration, I came up with a list of Santa substitutes that would be significantly LESS threatening and therefore possibly more likely to deliver a reaction from children that ISN’T terror.
Move over Santa, you’re about to be replaced.
And the possibilities are…
A cutsie spider monkey with a candy cane striped tail. I can imagine this guy swinging from the branches of the Christmas tree. I’d definitely enjoy Christmas trees more if they had monkey’s frolicking in them. Monkey’s are fast, efficient and fun. Perfect.
The Grinch AFTER he smokes a doobie. (or ten) If he’s feeling too grinchy or he’s already booked up, Cheech or Chong will do in a pinch. Those guys are Fun with a capital F.
A child Disney star trying to break free of her wholesome image… dressed up like a life-size teddy bear?
Scratch that last one.
It burst into my brain like a wrecking ball. Hate it when that happens.
Jake from State Farm. He’s already up all night. Plus, khaki’s are definitely the more comfortable, and therefore superior wardrobe option when traveling the entire globe in a single night.
The trees from Wizard of Oz festively decorated in tinsel and garland. We’d treat them with Miracle Grow spiked with Prozac first to acertain they maintain a jolly unterrifying disposition throughout the holiday season. Self sufficient Christmas trees. What could go wrong?
Minya the cute little guy from Godzilla who blew OOOOOO’s out of his mouth. He was adorable. Also, kids love to see their breath in the wintertime. This could double as an anti-smoking campaign for children. “Look, I’m Minya…. OOOOOOOOOO!”
Marilyn Manson in a red tutu. Remember, his predecessor was plus-sized redneck senior citizen dressed like a fuzzy fruit cake.
Clifford the Big Red Christmas Dog who poops marshmallows, Twizzlers and DS games.
George Burns. He’s dead you say? My point exactly.
So, there it is.
Potential replacements for reign of terror we call Santa Clause.