You suck, Dyson and I Love You


Cover your ears, eyes and/or brain… if you don’t like the F word because this post is called…


We’ve had socks, army men, crayons, forks, butter knives, pencils, hair balls, Barbie clothes, combs, scrunchies, pacifiers, poptarts, dog bones, sandwiches, cat poop… you name it.

*I’m only mentioning the larger objects because piddly stuff like thumb tacks, gummy snacks, marbles, loose change, Goldfish (the yummy crackers not to be confused with live animals that live in water), and paper clips don’t even count.

For the record- I can efficiently dismantle and reassemble a vacuum cleaner in under 10 minutes. Kind of like they do in the military with guns, except my weapon is a muther sucking plugged up vacuum cleaner.

I’d say it’s my super power.

In an honest attempt to keep my absolute love for exaggeration in check, I’m going to openly admit that I cannot fix motors. I totally lack any and all motor fixing capability. Motors may as well be from a different planet that’s not Earth.

Motors suck, because… cha-ching baby. They almost always cost more to fix than replace.

On the plus side, I can proficiently disassemble, manipulate, (rig) unclog and replace stuff like belts, rubber seals and other basic vacuume-cleaning what-nots.

Also, my machine is a kick-ass Dyson, which means it needs less maintenance but also has the ability to suck up small animals, like say a hamster if you’re not careful.

*Always know where the hamster is BEFORE you start vacuuming.

That was just a friendly tip, because luckily I did NOT make that particular mistake.


Shit-that-can-go-wrong with children’s pets is an entirely different post.

Hopping back on track, WHAT was clogging my vacuum that looked and felt like a petrified redwood trunk?

Give up?

It was the entire crevice attachment that someone managed to jam RIGHT UP into the hose.

It couldn’t have been an easy feat to accomplish, yet there it was.

It kinda looked like it ate itself.

Improbable shit always happens in our home. We’re constantly setting new records for what-can-go-wrong with products that are supposedly indestructible.

Quite frankly, I think my family would make excellent product testers for stuff that is meant to be unbreakable.

We welcome that challenge with open arms.

In fact…

” I’ll take unbreakable children’s eyewear for $200 bucks a pop, Alex.”

One of many FAILS.

By the way- I managed to pry the crevice attachment out of the vacuum hose without puncturing it and it’s back to 100%.

Thumbs up, Dyson… You totally SUCK.


When men do housework.



So true.



If men were in charge of cleaning.



No problemo-o… Polly is outta the cage.



Again… men.



This beats the hell out of a bowling ball.



If only it could suck snow out of the sky.




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