I exercised my God-given parental right to BAN the following horrendously loud and obnoxious cartoons from my home forever.
These shows are kind of (mostly) outdated because my children are already teens, which means yes, I just celebrated my halfway-to-dead birthday.
1. Número UNO is Space Jam.
The incessant dull roar of basketball court noise and squeeeaky athletic shoes has always been like a hot molten jellyfish massage directly to my grey matter.
I’m sure it’s due to some sort of auditory hypersensitivity.
I’m a sensory weirdo like that. I’m SPECIAL.
I cannot tune in without my hair standing straight up and my entire body freezing like a stone statue of a Greek goddess.
I threw the Greek goddess part in there to make myself seem cool and less weirdo-like.
Add screechy Looney Tune characters to the above mix, and I have one foot over the edge of the highest steepest cliff.
2. Ditto for Animaniacs.
What’s more serene than obnoxious Tasmanian devils with ADHD strung out on Starbucks?
“Would you like red-hot pokers jabbed in your eyeballs with that?”
3. Phineas and Ferb- I don’t know if it’s primarily the painfully excruciating theme song that sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks swallowed a tank of helium or the intensely grating voices of the main characters.
By grating, I mean the sharp ouchie metal apparatus that’s used for slicing cheese. The one responsible for you shredding your knuckle every single time you attempt to slice mozzarella.
Naturally, you throw it on the pizza anyway, because what your family doesn’t know can’t hurt them.
Grate: not to be confused with anything great or even remotely awesome.
4. Sponge Bob– I used to like tolerate it when it was the new show on the block, but the voices soon became the equivalent of an angry beehive trapped in my brain with accompanying fiery darts in my eyeballs.
The biggest offenders are the square high pitched yellow contraceptive device himself and Squidward aka rotten calamari. Mr Doom and Gloom. Patrick is pretty much a harmless dork. He’s Lenny from Of Mice and Men, except pink and star shaped. You can’t hate Patrick. He’s too pitiful. Patrick needs a hug. I’d totally adopt that dorkster guy.
Conclusion- Some cartoons can cause seizures and/or brain damage.
The key is to make wise selections.
We’re talking soft, low pitched voices, minimal screaming, and background music that could be played in the library or perhaps a funeral home.
Lullaby cartoons. “You are getting very sleeeeeeepy…”
The winners are- (again.. outdated stuff from the 90’s)
1. Little Bear
2. Max and Ruby
3. Little Bill
The duller the better.
Even if Max and Ruby ARE orphaned bunnies who’s parents we’re probably buried deep beneath the carrot patch and we all know Ruby totally DID IT, so she could fill in as the bossy mom to fulfill her overwhelming need to be loved and respected.
Ruby may be a serial killer, but the fact of the matter is… her show is pleasant and tranquilly quiet. It meets the requirements.
Even if it is the crazy lady kinda quiet- like before she finally loses it and turns into Lizzie Bordon killing her parents and burying them in the carrot patch.
Scratch that. Whatthehell am I even thinking??
We all know Ruby wouldn’t bury the bodies HERSELF and get her prissy bunny paws dirty. She’d get Max to dig her parents garden graves.
Ruby’s one sick puppy.
Although, that’s not the point here. We’re trying to get a kid to sleep. Serial killing big bunny sisters can be overlooked when you’re trying to get your OWN child to nap or just play dead for 20 blissful minutes.
Hell to the yeah.
So, there’s my official review on 90’s cartoons.
The good, the bad and the ugly.