ABOUT Extreme Mom Facebook Pages and Groups

As you may already know, the most ACTIVE and current Extreme Mom hub can be found on Facebook.

It’s updated more frequently than this WP blog simply because posting is convenient and it’s much easier to navigate.

If you’re interested you can check it out here- https://www.facebook.com/ExtremeMom

Anyway…

Last week I added two social networking GROUPS to the Extreme Mom Facebook family called Extreme Mom Lounge and Extreme Mom Laundry Room- Rants & Advice.

The purpose of this post is to introduce, explain and archive the same groups missions.

Not at all my usual blog post. Apologies to my WordPress subscribers for that.

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These groups are distinctly different from the primary Extreme Mom Facebook page as they’re intended to be a more interactive and supportive forum. They’re also PRIVATE meaning you must request membership and the content of these pages- posts and comments can only be viewed by members. Your boss, husband and family members can NOT view it.

How refreshing and therapeutic.

You’re cordially invited to stop by and hang out.

ABOUT the LOUNGE…

Extreme Mom Lounge is a subgroup of the Extreme Mom Facebook page and blog. It’s the VIP lounge where you can sip Martini’s, guzzle beer, eat popcorn and speak fucking candidly.

You’re encouraged to post, interact and make friends.

Social networking and support at it’s finest.

Although it bears the like name of my blog Extreme Mom, it is not exclusively for moms. It’s more of a grown-up hang-out for men and women alike .

The lounge is also the main communication hub for all that is Extreme Mom- the WordPress blog, Facebook page, Google plus community, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest boards. Members are guaranteed to get all notifications and posts, unlike fb PAGES which are randomly selected by the fb Gods themselves.

Again, as a private group, ONLY members can view posts and comments, meaning your Facebook friends, family, boss or kids in your class do NOT have access.

Pretty sweet.

Facebook PRIVACY… at last.

A FUN place to hang out.

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DISCLAIMER- I reserve the right to DELETE anything I deem horrific or hateful.

Also, no raunchy or graphic sex stuff. If it borders on porn… DON’T. There are plenty of special kinky sites on the Internet for THAT.

You can ADD or INVITE whomever you like… as long as they’re not involved in the signing of MY paycheck.

The views and opinions posted on this page are not necessarily those of Extreme Mom. Individuals are solely responsible for their own content. Post and comment at your own risk… I will not necessarily mediate or get involved in disputes.

Questions and/or concerns can be messaged to me through the Extreme Mom PAGE.

I don’t know about you, but my regular fb newsfeed makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out. Let’s take the DREADFULLY BORING repetition out of Facebook.

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ABOUT the Extreme Mom Laundry Room- Rants & Advice (Group #2)

I also created a spin-off group of Extreme Mom Lounge called Laundry Room- Rants & Advice.

Incidentally, this was done after a bar fight broke out and plenty of panties got knotted up.

It’s the Extreme Mom Lounges brassy uncensored cousin.

The table where the bad cool kids sit.

It’s an ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK zone.

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Clearly some people have the need to LET LOOSE without reservations. We’re going to attempt to keep those things confined to the LAUNDRY ROOM page and OUT OF THE LOUNGE.

Unfiltered rants go here.  Judgement free.

Have at it.

Need advice or an opinion? Ask here.

*Extreme Mom is in no way accountable for the advice offered by others, because let’s face it, their well-intended counsel could be complete and utter BULLSHIT.

One thing is certain. Many people NEED this outlet. It’s therapeutic, therefore POSITIVE.

People with uninhibited personas and brassy dispositions may feel more comfortable here.

The advantage is- you can chose NOT to join the spin-off group (EM Laundry Room) or you also have the option to JOIN and keep your notifications turned OFF.

Your choice.

If you’re easily offended do not join this group.

The DIFFERENCE?? – I will continue to maintain the original Extreme Mom LOUNGE group as a break room- a place to RELAX, unwind, share snarky humor and meet new people. The lounge is intended to be the more upbeat  positive atmosphere.

No bashing, bickering or blatant fuck-you posts on the Extreme Mom Lounge group page.

Please feel to join BOTH groups. Just be mindful of WHAT is posted WHERE.

This is a private group. If you’d like an invite- type Extreme Mom Laundry Room-Rants & Advice or Extreme Mom Lounge into your facebook browser to get to the groups home page and click REQUEST MEMBERSHIP.

Once you’re a member, you can add friends to the group if you desire.

All trolls, rule-breakers and bullies will be ejected through the Extreme Mom trap door (that empties into the sewage tank) immediately.

Keep Extreme Mom on the list of Top 25 Humor Blogs by clicking on this suspiciously happy looking lady down there. Even better- CLICK to leave a COMMENT  on the Top Mommy Blog Site.

Thanks. Xoxo

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Things that make the season JOYFUL- The Lost Numbers 8 – 9

So, I’m tapping away on my keyboard finally wrapping up the painful conclusion to a three-part sarcastic holiday series I wrote called- Things that make the season JOYFUL and whooooops… apparently, I can’t count.

Somehow, numbers 8 and 9 were lost in the clusterfuck of chaos.

Appropriately, flushed down the toilet like a holiday turd.

No surprise there, as this time of year, chaos tends to completely dominate my existence, much like an elephant sitting on a flea.

Therefore, this post is a proverbial bandaid intended to mend this clusterfuck, so I can put it all to rest once and for all.

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This holiday and this post are quickly becoming a nightmare episode of Groundhogs Day where rabid zombie gophers suck the sanity out of our brains using a tiny bar straw.

Numero 9 (I’m putting it ahead of #8 because I fucking said so– K?) is…

Batshit Crazy Relatives in the house EARLY.

Holiday Tip- If your son ever breaks his collarbone snowboarding, hold on to his extra pain meds with two hands. Use the white knuckle death grip if necessary, because those babies will come in handy the Saturday morning after Christmas when you wake up with the headache from hell, and your crazy family is on their way to crash into your living room like Japanese kamikaze pilots on hallucinogens.

Rewind- I thought I had agreed to having a dinner-thing sometime like after 4:00 PM. It’s not even noon, I have sleeping teenage bodies draped across every horizontal piece of nonjagged furniture in my house, dishes and half eaten food everywhere, and the crazies on route.

Hell no I’m not cleaning my toilets, emptying the trash or even removing the newest hairball from the stairs.

Pearl Harbor was not a pretty sight.

Things that make the season JOYFUL #9- batshit crazy relatives…. in the house. Early.

The Things that make the season JOYFUL is far from over. The big moment is not when the fat lady sings, but when I slide into home base, otherwise known as New Years Day… face first.

Then you may applaud LOUDLY.

If I’m not dead, I may join you.

Oh shit, did we forget # 8?

Nope.

Chaos wouldn’t be authentic if things were smooth and orderly.

Appropriately, out of order #8 is fried brain cells.

My extended family has finally retreated and the homestead is now marginally quiet. At least until my daughter’s annual New Years Eve/Birthday bash on Tuesday.

I’m finding it quite difficult to put words and especially thoughts together right now, as my brain cells seem to be experiencing a sort of coma.

So, for now, I shall kick back on the couch in hopes of magically regenerating a portion of my sizzled grey matter.

This fried brain coma state was most likely the result of random family members poking it with invisible dull pins and/or from the consumption of a katrillion calories. Probably both.

You may not have even known the katrillion concept existed. Consider yourself enlightened. Do not attempt to eat this much at home though, because you will undoubtedly become an amoeba sloth like me.

I’m seriously afraid to look in the mirror right now, because if Honey Boo Boo’s mom is looking back at me I will freak the fuck out.

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Anyway, an amoeba sloth is what the hungry caterpillar REALLY turns into when she gorges on holiday comfort food that’s something like a katrillion (delicious) calories.

It went something like this…

She ate through two pans of lasagna, one holiday ham, three extra cheesy sausage rolls, four trays of Christmas cookies, one fudge roll and one bottle of Godiva chocolate vodka.

Burp.

Nope. There’s no beautiful butterfly here. No way in hell is this body lifting off the ground. Blame deep fried gravity dipped in a spicy delicious chocolate sauce.

What you do see is an amoeba sloth, which is a slow, jiggly, and rather quiet creature that doesn’t do much of anything except eat, sleep and breathe.

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This has been an Extreme Mom Bedtime Story exclusive.

Let the brain cell regenerating begin… NOW.

The End.

Happy 2014!!!!

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The Conclusion- Things that make the season JOYFUL…. Numero’s 10 -14

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Baking Obligatory COOKIES

I just renamed Italian drop cookies… YouStickyBastardMutherfuckers.

It seems fitting.

No wonder my Italian ancestors drank so much wine.

Also, since this description happens to fit so many varieties of the cookies I attempted to bake, I believe I’ll assign them each a number at the end of their like name.

Example- YouStickyBastardMutherfuckers #1 are snickerdoodles, YouStickyBastardMutherfuckers #2 are Italian drop cookies, and so on and so forth.

Things that makes the Season Joyful #11 is Baking Cookies- those StickyBastardMutherfuckers. I love/hate you.

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Christmas cards.

Just say no. Let’s save the rain forrest together. I for one, am super conscientious of the effects that deforestation has on my monkey friends. Monkey’s live, play, eat and fling poop at other monkey’s and men wearing yellow hats from TREES.

Christmas cards are made from bulldozed monkey-family condos and Chuck E. Cheese tree establishments where baby monkey’s eat pizza and play Whack-a-mole.

Insensitivity toward monkey’s comes to mind when I think of sending Christmas cards, and my love for monkey antics far outweighs my tolerance of humans.

Join the 21st century people and send an e-card.

Also, if you send one card, you have to send all 75 cards, and quite frankly I no longer have it in me.

My goodwill meter run loweth.

I’m a monkey preferring person and I’m okay with it,

Things that make the season JOYFUL #12 is NOT sending cards.

Note- I happen to love getting YOUR cards. Keep sending them, especially the ones with photos. I love those. I however, have chosen to become an exclusive e-communicator. If you ever get a hand written note from me, know that I’ve definitely been abducted by aliens.

Next…

Mutherfucking turkey, which is distinctly different than REGULAR turkey that you see in glossy magazine photos or are invited to eat in other peoples homes, because it’s dirty greasy carcass is found in YOUR very own kitchen, that’s why.

I’m sorry if I shocked you by blurting out MUTHERFUCKING TURKEY, but it came shooting out of my brain like a kamikaze pilot. It also came directly from the heart, meaning I really meant it.

I’m a ham and lasagna kinda girl from way back, because A. Saucy Italian food trumps meat and potatoes ANY day and B. Ham is a no nonsense meal. Meaning, you stick it in the oven with unpeeled potatoes and POOF… Dinner is served!

No sticking your entire arm up the turkey’s ass to remove a neck that shouldn’t be in there in the first place, only to turn around and stuff it with stale bread.
Furthermore, the fancy bird-beast requires MASHED potatoes, meaning you get to peel (step one), dice (step two), cook (step three), mash (step four), and cleanup (step five) peeler, spoon, beaters, pot, strainer, bowl, not to mention bandage your bloody knuckles and clean up potato peels that are everyfuckingwhere, except in the garbage can.
Fun fact- potato peels stick infinitely BETTER than those window clings you decorate with on holidays.

Screeeeeeeeeeech!!!

I almost forgot to bitch about the gravy. The hubinator makes his own gravy, adding an open canister of flour of which most is airborne, a colander, sifter, grease separator, small sauce pan and gravy boat to the on-deck prep station adjacent from the sink from Hell. Yes, he makes his own gravy and it’s delicious. A delicious explosion in your mouth and all over your kitchen.

There are so many steps involved in the preparation of turkey, potatoes and gravy that the FuckYou factor is amplified by like a kazillionish.

You could travel to a foreign country and back in the time it takes to prepare and clean up the dreaded aftermath from a festive birdzilla dinner.

Young ladies, take my advice and have the absolutely-NO-turkey-on-holidays verbiage added to your prenup agreement immediately. You will thank me.

Things that make the season JOYFUL #13 Mutherfucking turkey.

The Groundhogs Day Concept-according to the MOVIE and not the furry rodents big debut in February that he almost always fucks up.

What I mean is, you wake up and it’s Christmas over and over and over again.

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My sister and her family live out of town, so in addition to having a full blown Italian meal on Christmas Eve and a Mutherfucking turkey on Christmas Day, we celebrate with her family AFTER Christmas, accounting for Groundhogs Day #2, 3, 4 or however many days they stay.

The prep, the food, the extra bodies, the clean-up… over and over. Note- not only do these tiring celebrations extend through Christmas, they continue into the final week of December encompassing my oldest daughters birthday and New Year’s Eve. We’ll call these Groundhogs Day #5 and #6 respectively.

Don’t get me wrong- I love my family.

However, I do not love an entire week of holiday overstimulation.

It hurts my brain and makes me grumpy.

Just ask anyone.

There seems to be no flicker of light at the end of this seemingly endless dark holiday tunnel called perpetual Groundhogs Day.

On a side note, the one thing that has always perplexed me about the movie Groundhogs Day is, whyinthehell doesn’t Bill Murray’s character wise up after repeating the same horrific day, a dozen or so times, and just hide a flask under his pillow so he can immediately start drinking when the alarm-from-hell goes off? This would’ve made his life suck immensely less, in the movie at least.

Not to get off subject or anything, but Bill Murray’s agent has absolutely no foresight on what roles he should NOT play, or maybe he’s just a sadistic son-of-a-bitch who likes watching him get his ass kicked by rodents.

Crazy Carl did not exactly come out victorious in Caddyshack.

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Things that make the season JOYFUL #14- a The Groundhogs Day Concept.

The Joyful series was supposed to wrap up after #12, making it- The 12 Painful Days of Christmas, but thanks to the Groundhog’s Day Concept, it keeps going and going and going…

Point proven.

Stick a fork in this furry rodent, people… we’re DONE!

Over and out.

Click here to read — Things that make the season JOYFUL 1- 5

http://extrememom.net/2013/12/11/things-that-make-the-season-joyful/

And here — Things that make the season JOYFUL Part 2

http://extrememom.net/2013/12/19/things-that-make-the-season-joyful-part-2/

And, OH SHIT!! I forgot numbers 8 and 9… I really did!!

Here they are-

http://extrememom.net/2014/01/01/things-that-make-the-season-joyful-the-lost-numbers-8-9/

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Things that make the Season JOYFUL- #6 – 7

Things that make the season JOYFUL- #6

For numerals one through five click HERE

http://extrememom.net/2013/12/11/things-that-make-the-season-joyful/

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Live sap-regurgitating pine trees that contain something like eleventy gazillion pine needles that will inevitably end up in your underwear… and other dark recesses.

Especially when said sap bleeding monstrosities are acquired during a blizzard… when it’s 10 degrees and blowing out.

Jack Frost definitely blows.

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Hell NO, I didn’t cut one down like a pioneer woman. No way, Jose.

Going OUT to the farm stand in frigid conditions was already extra credit in my call-of-duty book.

It went something like this- “That one looks good.” And, a new Christmas-tree-picking-out-record of under 5 minutes was made.

My eeny meeny miney mo blind selection wasn’t half bad either. This year I won at Christmas tree roulette.

Here’s the sappy bitch in all her evil glory.

Technically, she’s not fully decorated but that’s all I’m going to do. If my elf staff would like the remaining dozen or so bulbs and tinsel hung they can do it themselves.

No kidding… we still use tinsel. What a shiny disaster that is. The only real perk is glittery dog and cat poop.

Really.

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Yes, live trees are lovely and they smell amazing, but after 20 something years of pine needle enemas I’ve finally had enough. Who needs the extra work and aggravation during this joyful season of stress, exhaustion and pulling the last hair out of your head?

Count me out.

A couple of years ago, against my families wishes I bought an artificial tree, figuring it would grow on them.

Technically, I lost by a vote of 5 to 1, in favor of a REALmutherfuckingmessofatree.

I don’t concede easily, so I presented my fake tree as now-we’re-one-of-those-hip-families-w-two-trees kinda thing, hoping sooner or later they’d accept it and I’d be free from tree fuckery forever.

Notta.

Notta yet anyway. I’m still waiting.

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For the record, it’s not just the sap and needles that makes my hair stand straight up like Marge Simpson, it’s a combo of that and the ceremonial wrapping and unwrapping of the FuckYou lights, which are inevitably tangled, dead or both every. single. time. (see previous post)

http://extrememom.net/2013/12/11/things-that-make-the-season-joyful/

I absolutely despise dancing the tango with lights. The end of that chapter almost always involves scissors, alcohol and singing the annual holiday overture called FuckThis and FuckThat.

So, for the next few months, I will be dissecting pine needles out of my unmentionables and chanting the FuckYou overture.

Having sex with a hostile sticky porcupine (which is actually a tree) is número 6 on the… Things that make the season JOYFUL list.

Next…

Things that make the Holidays Joyful #7

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FRIGID temperatures and an over abundance of the nasty white stuff.

Winter sucks Frosty’s snowballs.

Word.

Screw snow.

Also screw Jack Frost, the Abominable Snowman, the Winter Warlock, Snow Meiser, Yukon Cornelius and his pet Bumble, Mr. Softy, Queen Frostine from Candyland and the entire cast of Ice Age.

Don’t try this at home… or anywhere near MY home. Thanks!

In the news-

Fargo man arrested for using flamethrower to clear snow

Fargo, ND – Local resident Todd Fox has been detained for “reckless endangerment” and “illegal use of high-powered fire-breathing weaponry” for attacking snow with his flamethrower. Fox reportedly became so fed up with the week-long blowing snow epidemic in his area that he decided to KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The neighborhood was treated with quite a show last night as Fox unleashed an inferno upon the mountainous snow palace that was his front yard. Neighbors to his immediate right and left noticed a bright orange cloud and could hear what they thought was “puff the magic dragon spewing mayhem all over hell”, which prompted one of them to notify police.
Fox stated that he was simply “fed up with battling the elements” and that he did not possess the willpower necessary to move “four billion tons of white bull shit”.
Police say that Fox surrendered his efforts immediately upon their arrival and that his front yard “looked like a hydrogen bomb had gone off”. They think he was just happy to be done with snow removal, even if it did mean a trip to jail.

This is cool and I totally want one for REAL!!!

Snow melting dragon kicks ass

Snow sucks.

The End.
(For NOW)

The THINGS THAT MAKE THE SEASON JOYFUL series will continue and conclude with the number 12, as in The 12 Days of Pain.

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For other holiday related fuckery click HERE-
And HERE-

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