My Ghost Life…

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If I die young, do not mourn me, for I have very important work to do in the afterlife.

By work, I mean Hauntings.

You betcha, I’m going to be like Casper’s evil brothers except with residual estrogen… so waaaay scarier.

I’m not a firm believer in Karma, so I’m compiling a list of people I’m going to visit regularly as an apparition.

Mostly, they’re the same people I have voodoo dolls of at the present time. The list is mostly made up of coaches, teachers, bosses- people who used their authority for evil rather than good and unfortunately for them… I was involved in the crossfire. More specifically speaking- people who wronged my kids, even if it was unknowingly.

Worse offense ever.

I’m an avid watcher of A Haunting and I’ve seen every episode at least once, so I know which techniques will produce the best results.

I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty excited about this. And, it’s not gonna be only three nights like Ebenezer Scrooge and <<poof!>> they’re exonerated. Nope. I plan on moving in with a couple of them.

I also planning on enlisting all of my deceased dogs and cats as my accomplices. We can cover more territory.

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Everyone knows pets are the most devout creatures on earth, so it could get ugly for a chosen few. Also, cats are assholes when they’re alive, so dead they ought to be like a scene out of the Exorcist except with teeth and claws.

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I’m hoping anyway.

If you and I happened to be friends during my time on Earth, know that It’s me performing random ghostly acts to cheer you up or make you giggle.

Like if your boss falls down the stairs carrying an extra large coffee… It was me who pushed her.

You’re very welcome.

The point of this story?

I happen to believe the “other side” has a lot of potential.

Who knows, it may even be better over there.

When my time comes to cross over, please celebrate my new adventure. Even though I’m physically gone from Earth, I have absolutely no intentions of going away.

Ps- I’m dead serious about this whole thing.

I totally believe in spirits.

Pss- you probably stay on my good side.

 

 

Romance, Reality and Expectations

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I began writing this reply in response to a post written by a disgruntled wife in one of my Facebook groups who’s husband was once again disappointing her on Valentine’s Day.

Anyway, I believe her issue is pretty universal, so I decided to share my reply…

Married, coupled or single, we get into trouble when we give someone else the sacred key to our happiness. Today you are among masses of people relying on someone ELSE to make their day special. Biggest mistake ever. Not only today, but the other 364 days of the year as well. Hold on to your happiness key with two hands. It belongs to you and you alone.

It’s not too late to turn this day around and make it about love… for your children, family, pets, students if you teach, customers if you’re in retail, patients if you’re in the medical profession. Get involved in a charity or cause online. The authentic warm fuzzy GOOD feeling you get from serving others far surpasses the random scraps of affection you feel are owed to you by others. Spouse and/or significant other included. You just can’t rely on other people. Ever.

Valentine’s Day is probably the biggest kill joy of all preconceived expectations. Everyone has that ideal picture in their mind of how “it’s supposed to be.” Problem is… it’s in YOUR mind and other people don’t necessarily have the script and even if they did, it doesn’t mean they’d meet YOUR expectations. Switch this day (or your life) up, grab that key and never look back.

You need to put YOURSELF in the drivers seat if you’re going to find happy. If others want to tag along… great, the more the merrier. But, remember that they are merely passengers and this is your journey. The minute you hand someone else the key to your happiness, you lose control of your vehicle and at some point, even if it’s a fender bender… you will crash.

If you’ve allowed someone else to set your GPS for this February 14th… or perhaps your entire life, NOW would be a great time to revoke those privileges and grab the wheel back.

You’ve had the happy key all along.

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Happy Friday, Happy Valentine’s Day and Happy Lifetime to you.

Xoxo

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Valentines Day is Chocolate Covered Bullshit

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Why I happen to think Valentine’s Day is chocolate covered bullshit-

Just to be crystal clear, we’re talking about the crappy cheap-O imitation chocolate that tastes like wax and doesn’t remotely resemble anything similar to the devine authentic cocoa product from Heaven above.

So, why exactly is Valentines Day the equivalent of fake chocolate that tastes more like a diarrhea brown colored crayon?

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Let’s start with… you’re only invited to participate in this celebration if the planets line up in a anatomically correct heart shape where the left ventricle is positioned directly under the North Star or another human (who you don’t hate) happens to be romantically involved and/or interested in you.

Otherwise, you’re gonna have to sit this one out.

Valentines Day is a couples ONLY celebration.

Unfortunately, years of sappy Valentines Day propaganda has conditioned many people who are predominantly naive young girls to feel shitty and unloved every 365 days or planet rotation around the sun.

Like clockwork.

“Oh you don’t have a boyfriend? I’m sorry that you suck you grotesque unlovable troll. Go jump in the putrid singles swamp.”

Society is all like… Ladies, February 14th is Judgement Day. You will be evaluated on your worthiness as a female homosapien based on how much affection you draw in this event.

By affection I actually mean material goods.

Stuff.

Good ole romantic overpriced and senseless merchandise.

Cha ching$

It’s much like the a game of craps where it’s just a random flip of the coin and you have absolutely no control how it’ll pan out for you.

Heads… you suck rotten eggs directly outta the maggot infested compost bin, tails… you rule the Earth. You sexy love Goddess you!!

Worthiness is awarded on the following-

If you’re fortunate to be gifted with the following items you’re a WINNER!!

*A dozen long stemmed red roses

*Chocolates in a HEART SHAPED box that’s bigger than your head

*A surprise romantic get-away involving a bed you don’t have to make, a relaxing soak in the hot tub, free food and spirits.

The following presents will get you… FIRST RUNNER UP. Which is pretty much a fail.

You’ll always be a bridesmaid or the second rate best friend.

*A half dozen long stemmed roses or roses that aren’t red. Apparently he doesn’t love you in tones blood red scarlet. The same exact shade that pumps through the cardiac muscle… that supposedly rules emotions.

More bullshit right there ladies and gentlemen. The heart nonsense, I mean.

News flash- The cardiac muscle keeps your sorry ass alive and all it cares about is getting enough oxygen.

Honey Badger Heart don’t care about bullshit love.

*Also, in the runner up category are HEART SHAPED boxes smaller than your head but larger than your hand.

Lastly, LOSING gifts include…

*HEART SHAPED boxes smaller than your hand that are imprinted with cartoon graphics or candy bars straight from the vending machine.

*Flowers that aren’t roses.

Incidentally, should you get cheesy carnations, you’re about as desirable as a female Bigfoot with a bad case of the mange.  Carnations are the epitome of the flower world and their only place is at funerals.

I’m sorry but I don’t make the rules. See page 13 in the Valentine’s Day for Dummies handbook.

The rules were established by greedy retailers who made the societal sheep drink cherry Kool aid out of heart shaped crazy straws until their brains imploded and they succumbed to all that is heart shaped, completely nonsensical and overpriced.

*Lastly, stuffed animals bearing cheesy love quotes are also gift fails if you happen to be older than 16.

Jewelry is always a sore subject because there’s no winning here.

Plainly stated, if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re not giving her an engagement ring, you’re fucked. Whether you realize it or not, she’s secretly wishing for the Holy Grail ring. Anything that’s not this coveted treasure is an automatic fail. You might as well just wrap a box of donkey poop, because it’s all you’re gonna get credit for. Plus, this will save you a butt load of money.

In fact, when you’re in a SERIOUS relationship ALL Valentine’s Days will be considered fails until the very moment she has King Tuts ring of love and worthiness. Know this gentlemen. I speak the truth.

I’m also very sorry about this. Society can be a real pain in ass when it comes to blowing shit out of proportion and creating bullshit expectations.

Just… fuck.

It’s just a big insignificant game of Valentine’s Roulette.

Let’s forget we’re discussing Valentines Day and think logically just for a moment.

Pass the talking stick to the brain.

What if… we designate a day when couples celebrate their sappy love for one another like perhaps their anniversary? You know, the day they intentionally made a commitment.

Sounds logical to me.

This would eliminate the need to drag everyone else who’s not necessary tethered with a ball and chain to a monkey and/or a significant other through Valentines cow manure.

Thus putting an end to the annual bloody massacre of lonely young girls by drunk cupids playing GI Joe with pink and red polka dotted AK 47′s.

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Valentine’s Day bites.

I for one think it does more harm than good. Men and boys everywhere are getting screwed both literally (these guys will pay later, mark my words. In fact they’d be better off slipping into a cactus condom and getting the pain over with immediately) and figuratively. Conditions are perfect. The stage is set for the boys and men to fuck up.

In a nutshell, the best they can hope for is to maintain their current standing and not clinch a lifelong spot in the Valentines Hall of Shame.

Seriously ladies, if you need a man or his meaningless overpriced gifts like flowers and candy to complete you or make you feel happy and loved… you’re screwed.

Not-so-common sense strongly advises that we never rely on others for our own happiness and/or fulfillment.

Happiness comes from within. It’s not something another person presents to you in a vase or a giant heart shaped box.

The whole Valentine tradition has created unrealistic expectations and has in turn made masses miserable.

In all fairness, I acknowledge that YES, plenty of women absolutely love being showered with surprise gifts (that they are totally expecting) and extra affection from their sweety pie. For them, February 14th is a gooey sweet indulgence that they feel is well deserved.

Fair enough princesses. Enjoy the spotlight.

I happen to think the feelings of isolation and desperation it casts on so many lonely hearts is hardly worth celebrating.

A day dedicated to couples only is absolutely an event based on exclusion.

For this reason I think Valentines Day sucks rotten eggs.

Not the Cadbury kind.

It would be different if the overall theme of Valentine’s Day was to simply celebrate LOVE.

Not couples love, but love of family, love of friends, love for humanity, love for all creatures large and small.

I could really get into a day dedicated to plain ole LOVE.

Showing LOVE through random acts of kindness has the extra added benefit of making the giver feel warm and fuzzy. Because it feels right.

I encourage you to go for it. Do something nice for someone. Anyone.

If you don’t already have a pet and have the means to care for one, I recommend bringing a dog or cat into your life.

Dogs happen to be the only creature on Earth who display the ability to unconditionally love someone else more than they love themselves.

You can’t beat the love of a dog.

Dogs are absolutely mans best friend… and a girls too.

Happy Hearts Day to ALL of the wonderful people in my life.

xoxo

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YOUR Easy Guide to YOUR and YOU’RE

Easy grammar – How to use YOU’RE and YOUR.

I’m absolutely not poking or pointing a fun finger at anyone, because I happen to know a lot of people could benefit from this very fun catchy lesson.

Plus, let’s face it, there are a lot of suckish teachers out there. When I was in elementary school I think the median age for a teacher was something like 102, so here’s your second chance to learn this shit for good.

If you happen to be fluent in Your-You’re already, this would be an opportune time to share this educational gem with your Facebook friends.

Ready?

YOU’RE means YOU ARE. The apostrophe replaces the A.

Example- YOU’RE (you are) a dumbass.

*I’m totally not talking to you because that would be rude,

YOU’RE (you are) never going to pass that test.

* Ditto. Rude. It’s merely an example.

YOUR – means possession. As in it belongs to you.

*Again. Rude. Not referring to your dumbassery.

Example- YOUR grades will be reflected on YOUR awesome report card.

Is that YOUR degree in English on YOUR wall?

Now get out there and use your newfound knowledge.

YOU’RE (you are) gonna knock ‘em dead.

YOU’RE (you are) oh so very welcome.

PS- this is totally going on my LinkedIn profile under publications.

Hells yeah.

This is your diploma.

YOUR very own certificate of achievement because YOU’RE (you are) amazing!

Note- This post was a learning adventure intended in good fun.

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Thank you for continuing to follow this blog.  Life’s been 50 shades of bat shit crazy these days, so my posts have been kind of erratic.  I plan to be re-boarding the regular crazy train again very soon.

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