Why I happen to think Valentine’s Day is chocolate covered bullshit-
Just to be crystal clear, we’re talking about the crappy cheap-O imitation chocolate that tastes like wax and doesn’t remotely resemble anything similar to the devine authentic cocoa product from Heaven above.
So, why exactly is Valentines Day the equivalent of fake chocolate that tastes more like a diarrhea brown colored crayon?
Let’s start with… you’re only invited to participate in this celebration if the planets line up in a anatomically correct heart shape where the left ventricle is positioned directly under the North Star or another human (who you don’t hate) happens to be romantically involved and/or interested in you.
Otherwise, you’re gonna have to sit this one out.
Valentines Day is a couples ONLY celebration.
Unfortunately, years of sappy Valentines Day propaganda has conditioned many people who are predominantly naive young girls to feel shitty and unloved every 365 days or planet rotation around the sun.
“Oh you don’t have a boyfriend? I’m sorry that you suck you grotesque unlovable troll. Go jump in the putrid singles swamp.”
Society is all like… Ladies, February 14th is Judgement Day. You will be evaluated on your worthiness as a female homosapien based on how much affection you draw in this event.
By affection I actually mean material goods.
Good ole romantic overpriced and senseless merchandise.
It’s much like the a game of craps where it’s just a random flip of the coin and you have absolutely no control how it’ll pan out for you.
Heads… you suck rotten eggs directly outta the maggot infested compost bin, tails… you rule the Earth. You sexy love Goddess you!!
Worthiness is awarded on the following-
If you’re fortunate to be gifted with the following items you’re a WINNER!!
*A dozen long stemmed red roses
*Chocolates in a HEART SHAPED box that’s bigger than your head
*A surprise romantic get-away involving a bed you don’t have to make, a relaxing soak in the hot tub, free food and spirits.
The following presents will get you… FIRST RUNNER UP. Which is pretty much a fail.
You’ll always be a bridesmaid or the second rate best friend.
*A half dozen long stemmed roses or roses that aren’t red. Apparently he doesn’t love you in tones blood red scarlet. The same exact shade that pumps through the cardiac muscle… that supposedly rules emotions.
More bullshit right there ladies and gentlemen. The heart nonsense, I mean.
News flash- The cardiac muscle keeps your sorry ass alive and all it cares about is getting enough oxygen.
Honey Badger Heart don’t care about bullshit love.
*Also, in the runner up category are HEART SHAPED boxes smaller than your head but larger than your hand.
Lastly, LOSING gifts include…
*HEART SHAPED boxes smaller than your hand that are imprinted with cartoon graphics or candy bars straight from the vending machine.
*Flowers that aren’t roses.
Incidentally, should you get cheesy carnations, you’re about as desirable as a female Bigfoot with a bad case of the mange. Carnations are the epitome of the flower world and their only place is at funerals.
I’m sorry but I don’t make the rules. See page 13 in the Valentine’s Day for Dummies handbook.
The rules were established by greedy retailers who made the societal sheep drink cherry Kool aid out of heart shaped crazy straws until their brains imploded and they succumbed to all that is heart shaped, completely nonsensical and overpriced.
*Lastly, stuffed animals bearing cheesy love quotes are also gift fails if you happen to be older than 16.
Jewelry is always a sore subject because there’s no winning here.
Plainly stated, if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re not giving her an engagement ring, you’re fucked. Whether you realize it or not, she’s secretly wishing for the Holy Grail ring. Anything that’s not this coveted treasure is an automatic fail. You might as well just wrap a box of donkey poop, because it’s all you’re gonna get credit for. Plus, this will save you a butt load of money.
In fact, when you’re in a SERIOUS relationship ALL Valentine’s Days will be considered fails until the very moment she has King Tuts ring of love and worthiness. Know this gentlemen. I speak the truth.
I’m also very sorry about this. Society can be a real pain in ass when it comes to blowing shit out of proportion and creating bullshit expectations.
It’s just a big insignificant game of Valentine’s Roulette.
Let’s forget we’re discussing Valentines Day and think logically just for a moment.
Pass the talking stick to the brain.
What if… we designate a day when couples celebrate their sappy love for one another like perhaps their anniversary? You know, the day they intentionally made a commitment.
Sounds logical to me.
This would eliminate the need to drag everyone else who’s not necessary tethered with a ball and chain to a monkey and/or a significant other through Valentines cow manure.
Thus putting an end to the annual bloody massacre of lonely young girls by drunk cupids playing GI Joe with pink and red polka dotted AK 47′s.
Valentine’s Day bites.
I for one think it does more harm than good. Men and boys everywhere are getting screwed both literally (these guys will pay later, mark my words. In fact they’d be better off slipping into a cactus condom and getting the pain over with immediately) and figuratively. Conditions are perfect. The stage is set for the boys and men to fuck up.
In a nutshell, the best they can hope for is to maintain their current standing and not clinch a lifelong spot in the Valentines Hall of Shame.
Seriously ladies, if you need a man or his meaningless overpriced gifts like flowers and candy to complete you or make you feel happy and loved… you’re screwed.
Not-so-common sense strongly advises that we never rely on others for our own happiness and/or fulfillment.
Happiness comes from within. It’s not something another person presents to you in a vase or a giant heart shaped box.
The whole Valentine tradition has created unrealistic expectations and has in turn made masses miserable.
In all fairness, I acknowledge that YES, plenty of women absolutely love being showered with surprise gifts (that they are totally expecting) and extra affection from their sweety pie. For them, February 14th is a gooey sweet indulgence that they feel is well deserved.
Fair enough princesses. Enjoy the spotlight.
I happen to think the feelings of isolation and desperation it casts on so many lonely hearts is hardly worth celebrating.
A day dedicated to couples only is absolutely an event based on exclusion.
For this reason I think Valentines Day sucks rotten eggs.
Not the Cadbury kind.
It would be different if the overall theme of Valentine’s Day was to simply celebrate LOVE.
Not couples love, but love of family, love of friends, love for humanity, love for all creatures large and small.
I could really get into a day dedicated to plain ole LOVE.
Showing LOVE through random acts of kindness has the extra added benefit of making the giver feel warm and fuzzy. Because it feels right.
I encourage you to go for it. Do something nice for someone. Anyone.
If you don’t already have a pet and have the means to care for one, I recommend bringing a dog or cat into your life.
Dogs happen to be the only creature on Earth who display the ability to unconditionally love someone else more than they love themselves.
You can’t beat the love of a dog.
Dogs are absolutely mans best friend… and a girls too.
Happy Hearts Day to ALL of the wonderful people in my life.