Things that make the season JOYFUL- #6
For numerals one through five click HERE
Live sap-regurgitating pine trees that contain something like eleventy gazillion pine needles that will inevitably end up in your underwear… and other dark recesses.
Especially when said sap bleeding monstrosities are acquired during a blizzard… when it’s 10 degrees and blowing out.
Jack Frost definitely blows.
Hell NO, I didn’t cut one down like a pioneer woman. No way, Jose.
Going OUT to the farm stand in frigid conditions was already extra credit in my call-of-duty book.
It went something like this- “That one looks good.” And, a new Christmas-tree-picking-out-record of under 5 minutes was made.
My eeny meeny miney mo blind selection wasn’t half bad either. This year I won at Christmas tree roulette.
Here’s the sappy bitch in all her evil glory.
Technically, she’s not fully decorated but that’s all I’m going to do. If my elf staff would like the remaining dozen or so bulbs and tinsel hung they can do it themselves.
No kidding… we still use tinsel. What a shiny disaster that is. The only real perk is glittery dog and cat poop.
Yes, live trees are lovely and they smell amazing, but after 20 something years of pine needle enemas I’ve finally had enough. Who needs the extra work and aggravation during this joyful season of stress, exhaustion and pulling the last hair out of your head?
Count me out.
A couple of years ago, against my families wishes I bought an artificial tree, figuring it would grow on them.
Technically, I lost by a vote of 5 to 1, in favor of a REALmutherfuckingmessofatree.
I don’t concede easily, so I presented my fake tree as now-we’re-one-of-those-hip-families-w-two-trees kinda thing, hoping sooner or later they’d accept it and I’d be free from tree fuckery forever.
Notta yet anyway. I’m still waiting.
For the record, it’s not just the sap and needles that makes my hair stand straight up like Marge Simpson, it’s a combo of that and the ceremonial wrapping and unwrapping of the FuckYou lights, which are inevitably tangled, dead or both every. single. time. (see previous post)
I absolutely despise dancing the tango with lights. The end of that chapter almost always involves scissors, alcohol and singing the annual holiday overture called FuckThis and FuckThat.
So, for the next few months, I will be dissecting pine needles out of my unmentionables and chanting the FuckYou overture.
Having sex with a hostile sticky porcupine (which is actually a tree) is número 6 on the… Things that make the season JOYFUL list.
Things that make the Holidays Joyful #7
FRIGID temperatures and an over abundance of the nasty white stuff.
Winter sucks Frosty’s snowballs.
Also screw Jack Frost, the Abominable Snowman, the Winter Warlock, Snow Meiser, Yukon Cornelius and his pet Bumble, Mr. Softy, Queen Frostine from Candyland and the entire cast of Ice Age.
Don’t try this at home… or anywhere near MY home. Thanks!
In the news-
Fargo man arrested for using flamethrower to clear snow
Fargo, ND – Local resident Todd Fox has been detained for “reckless endangerment” and “illegal use of high-powered fire-breathing weaponry” for attacking snow with his flamethrower. Fox reportedly became so fed up with the week-long blowing snow epidemic in his area that he decided to KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The neighborhood was treated with quite a show last night as Fox unleashed an inferno upon the mountainous snow palace that was his front yard. Neighbors to his immediate right and left noticed a bright orange cloud and could hear what they thought was “puff the magic dragon spewing mayhem all over hell”, which prompted one of them to notify police.
Fox stated that he was simply “fed up with battling the elements” and that he did not possess the willpower necessary to move “four billion tons of white bull shit”.
Police say that Fox surrendered his efforts immediately upon their arrival and that his front yard “looked like a hydrogen bomb had gone off”. They think he was just happy to be done with snow removal, even if it did mean a trip to jail.
This is cool and I totally want one for REAL!!!
Snow melting dragon kicks ass